


More than Making Music

by Nightyelfy



Category: Given (Anime), Given (Manga)
Genre: Affection, Angst, Angst with a Happy Ending, Boys In Love, Boys Kissing, Canon Compliant, Confessions, Confrontations, Conversations, Emotional Hurt/Comfort, Emotions, Family Feels, Feelings, Friendship, Future, Getting Back Together, Heart-to-Heart, Hurt/Comfort, Internal Conflict, Kissing, Love Confessions, M/M, Musicians, Post-Break Up, Psychological Drama, Romance, Secrets, Slow Burn, True Love, Understanding
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2020-03-02
Updated: 2020-04-09
Packaged: 2021-02-22 09:15:03
Rating: General Audiences
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 8
Words: 44,187
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/22980436
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/Nightyelfy/pseuds/Nightyelfy
Summary: It’s been three years since Given was asked to debut. It's been two years since Uenoyama Ritsuka began his solo career. Once the prospects of launching an album appear on the horizon, Uenoyama finds himself at a crossroads, as his separation from his band and his break-up with Mafuyu begin to overwhelm his judgment and affect his life.
Relationships: Itaya Shougo & Ueki Ryuu & Uenoyama Ritsuka, Kaji Akihiko/Nakayama Haruki, Satou Mafuyu/Uenoyama Ritsuka, Uenoyama Yayoi/Yatake Kouji
Comments: 31
Kudos: 199





	1. Chapter 1

The crowd is lively and loud, so lively and loud in fact that the stage is shaking under his feet. The floodlights are beaming onto him, blurring his vision, and heating up his body. Sweat beads are streaming down his forehead and at the back of his neck, cooling his skin. But he doesn’t mind; those things are part of the job and don’t come to hinder him as much as they did when he first started playing music before a live audience. 

His focus is on the guitar in his hand, on the sound coming through his earpiece, the vibrations echoing from the strings of his Fender Stratocaster. He grips the guitar’s neck and fastens his fingers around the pick. One more strum of the chorus and the song is over, and with it, his time before the crowd.

With the song’s final notes still lingering in the air, he releases his guitar and lifts his gaze. Panting, he notices the venue is full. It’s his third show this week, and people still came out to see him, to hear him play the guitar, to support his music. No matter how many times he’s been witness to this sight, he can’t get enough of it. He enjoys music; he enjoys making music and sharing it. He always has.

„Uenoyama Ritsuka, everybody. A true pleasure to have him with us this evening! Let’s give another round of applause...” 

The MC’s voice fades in the distance as Uenoyama walks away from the stage and takes a moment to catch his breath. He rotates his Fender around on his back and lifting his T-shirt by the hem, he uses it to wipe his face. Those lights were really strong, Uenoyama thinks after noticing the large sweat stains, good thing I wore black. 

He clenches his fist, and his T-shirt crumples in his hand. He is caught in the moment, as a profound sense of deja vu sweeps over him. Everything else becomes background noise, and before he can settle his thoughts, they take over his mind. It’s been three years since Given was asked to debut. It’s been three years since Uenoyama graduated high school. It’s been three years since...

He jolts when the crowd erupts once more and surfacing from his memories, peers over his shoulder. They are loudly chanting his name, demanding an encore. Well, at least some things haven’t changed, Uenoyama thinks and huffs out a laugh. He isn’t one to refuse his fans, and after adjusting his T-shirt and guitar, he steps back onto the stage, the crowd’s roar enveloping him whole.

* * * * *

„What are you doing here all by yourself?” Itaya pokes his head out the door, the evening’s chilly breeze keeping him at bay.

„Isn’t it obvious?” Uenoyama tilts his head towards him and points to his cigarette.

„Sulking,” Itaya laughs and braces himself as he takes a deep breath, summoning his courage to proceed on the venue’s balcony and approach his old childhood friend and, more recently, his employer. „Yeah, I can see that, tell me something I don’t know.”

„Nothing like that,” Uenoyama shakes his head, facing away from him. „It’s been a long week,” he continues, exhaling a big cloud of smoke. „A long summer.”

„That’s what I would say too if I couldn’t be asked to mingle with my peers and supporters,” Itaya scoffs dismissively. 

„Just want to get some air,” Uenoyama says tersely, Itaya’s insistence coming to irritate him. 

„While your work on stage is very much jawdropping, Uecchi, you can’t just disappear afterward,” Itaya pressed, unwilling to allow Uenoyama to push his lies onto him. „You know all to well that we need any support we can get if we want to still have a job.”

Itaya Shougo has been by Uenoyama’s side the whole year, working to promote and advertise his music, helping him book venues and shows, and supporting him any way he could. And because they spent so much time together, he got all too familiar with Uenoyama’s loner tendencies and didn’t approve of them even in the slightest, especially when they came to hinder their job. 

„I know that. Just give me a few more minutes, will you?” Uenoyama rubs the back of his neck a bit too insistingly, visibly conflicted.

„Sure, that’s fine. Just keep in mind that there are people there that would like to greet and talk to you, and the least you could do is make their acquaintance,” Itaya follows, on a more grounded tone.

Itaya grabs onto the metal rails next to Uenoyama. He allows their conversation to lull. But seeing as how his friend doesn’t have any intention of talking or moving, Itaya thinks it is up to him to reignite his desire to socialize.

„Maybe I’m not the right person you would want to talk to right now. So how about a girl?” 

Uenoyama blinks, taken by surprise by Itaya’s offer, and turns to him as though expecting more explanations.

„Should I call one of them over then? There’s a bunch of sexy groupies and — ”

„Can you just drop it already?” Uenoyama snaps and turns away, anger lining his face. „I just need some time to clear my head, that’s all.”

„I wasn’t going to bring this up, but maybe this is as good of a time to have this talk as any,” Itaya moves away from the rails and speaks politely, without a trace of anger or resentment in his tone. „You’ve been acting weirdly for a while now. And this really isn’t the time to crack. Not when there are talks of an album, Uecchi!”

„You really need to stop making this seem like it’s more than it actually is,” Uenoyama replies, his typical arrogance surfacing.

„Actually, maybe you should stop making it seem less than it is.”

Uenoyama clicks his tongue before frowning. Where did that come from, he thinks and takes another puff of the cigarette.

„Anyway, I will rejoin the others and continue having a blast at the after-party the venue organized for the artists it featured this evening. Come whenever you feel ready. For the free booze, at least if not the company.” 

Uenoyama taps the cigarette and nods at his friend. Itaya departs from Uenoyama’s side but stops before going inside, his hand clutching onto the door handle. „It might do you some good to do things differently for a change, Uecchi.” 

The door closes loudly behind him, Uenoyama sensing its judder clashing against his chilled body. „Do me some good...” he mutters, feeling unnerved after repeating words that didn’t resonate with him in any way. 

Itaya’s insistence brought out the worst in him, and even if his conscience was eating away at him for snapping at his friend, Uenoyama didn’t regret choosing to remain on the balcony. He leans over the metal rails and lights another cigarette as his eyes loom over the city before him. 

Quiet, distant, cold, and yet, alive. There's something about that view that makes Uenoyama's heart heavy. Although there's no reason for him to feel that way because, just as Itaya said, a bright future awaits them. But again, following Itaya’s words, their careers can reach new heights only if he pulls himself together. 

There is no problem, Uenoyama thinks, Itaya worries too much. 

The noise from the after-party is getting louder and desperate for a distraction, Uenoyama glances behind him. He spots one of the groupies Itaya mentioned through the tall windows. She is quick to notice his gaze and playfully winks at him. He offers a wry smile and nods, responding to her invitation to join her on the dance floor. Drunk, he thinks critically, recognizing the glazed expression on her face. But then again, everybody there is drunk; well, all apart from him. 

"There is no problem at all," Uenoyama repeats, extinguishing his cigarette and heading inside the venue.

* * * * *

Uenoyama wakes up the next day around noon. He skipped dinner yesterday, and now his stomach is growling loudly. When was the last time I went grocery shopping, he ponders still lying on his back in the middle of his bed, the fridge is empty for sure. 

He moved out of his childhood house as soon as he could after finishing high school. Initially, he was sharing a room with Itaya in a large student complex. But after he began earning money from his solo gigs, he moved out on his own into a one-bedroom apartment close to the city edge, in a quiet part of town. 

There are few distractions in his life now, and he prefers it that way. No loud sister barging into his room at all odd hours, no mother or father pestering him to pursue a university education, no additional bandmates dragging him to countless hours of band practice three to four to five times a week and then having nothing to show for it. 

With an expressionless gaze, he reaches for his phone, which was lying next to his bed and scrolls through his messages. There isn’t anything of significance in the inbox, apart from some feedback from last night’s show Itaya forwarded to him, a couple of party invitations from some managers, who want to use him to advertise their clubs, and, last but not least, a reminder. It’s for today, Uenoyama thinks, and presses the icon to access the calendar.

His phone begins vibrating in his hands. Uenoyama flinches and not a second later, accepts the call.

_„There he is! Who said Uenoyama has gone off the map and forgot to tell his dearest friend?”_

„Good morning to you too, Shougo,” Uenoyama replies tersely.

 _„Good morning? What time zone are you in again?”_ Itaya laughs, and then stops abruptly, switching topics. _„Anyway, how are you?”_

„Good,” Uenoyama rubs the back of his neck, fearing the aftermath of his brief reply.

_„Good? What do you mean, good? Wait, don’t tell me you went to your own apartment last night? And worst of all, alone?!”_

There is it, Uenoyama thinks and sighs before allowing his friend to continue. 

_„Come on, Uecchi. I allowed so many of those pretty girls to come to the party, and you just...”_

„Enough with that,” Uenoyama is quick to intervene. „It’s not like the party was called off because I left before anybody else, anyway.”

 _„As true as that is, you are the only whose wellbeing I’m interested in, and I thought that a little distraction would do you some good,”_ Itaya hums displeased. _„We need to do something about that gloomy attitude of yours before it rubs off on me too.”_

„I’m not gloomy,” Uenoyama says, holding his head with his hands, sitting on the edge of his bed.

_„Uecchi, you are making a living through your music. You have fans all over the country; I mean, social media and the forums speak for themselves. You are in talks to release an album. And yet, I don’t know.”_

There’s a pause, Uenoyama’s heart twinges.

 _„Something’s wrong, and I wish I knew how to help,”_ Itaya’s voice is guarded, his tone lined with concern.

„Don’t stress about it,” Uenoyama closes his eyes and says. „The music is all that matters. As it always has.”

 _„You can be so incredibly stubborn sometimes,”_ Itaya exhales, admitting defeat for the time being. _„Anyway, don’t forget about the meeting with the producer today. It’s at that fancy restaurant downtown, close to the Central Station.”_

„Yeah, I figured that’s what the reminder was about,” Uenoyama stands up and begins wandering the house in search of some stylish clothes. Have to remember to do laundry, Uenoyama thinks, adding yet another item to his growing to-do list. „Are we meeting up for some ramen before?”

_„Ah, about that. Well...”_

„What is it?” Uenoyama asks, stumbling upon a shirt, which seems that it would do the job just fine. „Shougo, say something. Being silent is very much unlike you.”

 _„I won’t be able to make it to the meeting today,”_ he responds in one breath, Uenoyama needing a moment to make sense of his words.

„Please tell me you are kidding,” Uenoyama says tersely, all energy having left his body.

 _„Well, this is one of those rare occasions in which I’m not,”_ he follows with half a mouth. _„I have a date.”_

„A date, really?” Uenoyama breathes. „Can’t you postpone it? I mean, today of all days. This is your neck on the line, too, you know, not just mine.”

_„I know, I know, I’m sorry, but I’ve bailed on her way too many times to be able to count, and for some reason that blows my mind, she can still stand the sight of me.”_

Uenoyama sighs loudly, rubbing his forehead, scouring his mind for his words. „I can’t believe you are doing this to me. Damn it.”

_„Listen, Uecchi, I know you will do great, I have the utmost confidence — ”_

„Save it,” Uenoyama barks. „I don’t need your words of encouragement; it's your people skills I'm interested in.”

_„I understand I’m letting you down with this one, but I’ll make it up to you.”_

Uenoyama exhales, realizing there was no point being mad at Itaya, let alone argue with him. His mind seems to have been made up anyway.

 _„I know this might sound weird, Uecchi, but some of us actually want to do more than just make music for the rest of our lives,”_ Itaya presses, feeling Uenoyama’s disapproving glare even through the phone. 

„It’s fine,” Uenoyama forces himself to say. „I’ll meet with him by myself.”

 _„Ok, good,”_ Itaya speaks, a hint of relief underlining his tone. _„Well, make sure to call me as soon as the meeting is over. I’m cheering for you, boy wonder.”_

Uenoyama hung up and stares at his phone for a while. It wasn’t like Itaya to bail on him, but then again, he never did before. In that regard, his frustration was misplaced. However, he hasn’t been in the position to meet with a producer to talk about releasing an album before either. Yes, Itaya, you owe me big time, Uenoyama thinks, narrowing his eyes. 

Having finished getting ready for the meeting, Uenoyama leaves the apartment and makes his way to the train station. It is quite a walk away, but he gave himself a large window of time, considering rush hour is drawing near. Itaya’s promptness is rubbing off, Uenoyama thinks, slightly smug.

The soft late summer light is shining through the cart's windows as the train exits the underground tunnel. Uenoyama narrows his eyes, focusing his gaze. Two people are standing opposite him, holding onto the bars, with their back to him. His heart begins to race when he notices that both of them have guitar bags hanging from their shoulders. Uenoyama swallows as nostalgia claims him. 

_Some of us actually want to do more than just make music for the rest of our lives._

Maybe back in the day that was right for him too. Back in the day, there was more to look forward to than just the music. But a lot of things have changed since then. And he doesn't deny himself that reality. Though, some days weigh heavier on him than others. 

He’s holding onto his head as he exits the train and climbs the stairs out of the station. His head feels heavy, but he can’t allow himself to be distracted. Meeting the producer is a big deal, he knows it even without having Itaya reminding him every five seconds. 

This could be his big break. The support appearances and opening gigs have been his primary source of income, but releasing an album would change everything. He couldn’t make it happen with Given, but maybe he could make it happen on his own, through his own music. At least that was what he has been counting on ever since he decided to continue making music.

Uenoyama makes his way into the restaurant, and a hostess is quick to direct him to the appropriate table. The producer isn’t here yet. He shakes his head and reaches in his pocket. People like him like to take their time, make themselves late on purpose, Uenoyama thinks, checking the time on his phone, some sort of power play. 

He sighs, frustrated to consider that people still perpetuate that habit. His time was as valuable as theirs, but at the same time, he needs the producer. So in that regard, he can’t complain. Uenoyama orders himself a drink and sits back on his chair, trying to get as comfortable as possible for the next thirty or so more minutes before the producer arrives.

The rushes of nostalgia he’s been having came to bother him. He can’t understand why they started now, of all times. His conscience is clean, but maybe it isn’t the one spurring them on. Perhaps it has more to do with his feelings, as Uenoyama is known to be bad at making peace with them. If only he knew what's triggering them, maybe he could put a stop to them. 

Uenoyama drinks the rest of his glass in one go. He catches the attention of the waiter and orders himself another glass of whiskey. 

There is no problem, Uenoyama thinks, but maybe...

The door chimes loudly, interrupting his train of thought. His eyes glance in the entranceway’s direction. The light of the setting sun is bright, and Uenoyama finds it hard to put a face to the person who steps into the restaurant. As the person advances, however, he starts distinguishing some characteristics. Tall, long red hair held in a ponytail, pleasant features, a soft smile hiding behind an expressionless gaze. 

Uenoyama’s eyes widen. His mouth opens as shivers traverse his spine. It can’t be, he thinks, forcing himself to suppress those words as they linger so close to his lips he almost exhales them out loud.

The person is quickly greeted and directed towards the bar by the same hostess. Uenoyama clenches his fist, struggling to calm down. It can’t be, it can’t be, he keeps repeating in his mind, forcing himself to contain his anxiety. But the more glances he throws into the elusive person’s way, the clearer it becomes that he can’t lie to himself anymore. 

After three years since his separation from his boyfriend, Uenoyama is unable to do anything but stare as Mafuyu passes by him, putting distance between them once more.


	2. Chapter 2

Uenoyama is holding on to his mouth, breathing heavily. There’s no chance that’s him, Uenoyama thinks and sneaks a peek behind him. The years might’ve made Mafuyu taller, grew his hair, but there is no mistaking his eyes, his pleasant face, the way he holds himself. Damn it, Uenoyama thinks and faces away. 

I might’ve recognized him, but he... did he spot me, Uenoyama ponders before lifting his eyes and surveying the area once more. Mafuyu is at the bar, getting comfortable on a tall stool. No, he couldn’t have, Uenoyama breathes relieved. 

He retreats and makes a half-hearted attempt at calming down. So, this is what has become of us, Uenoyama thinks critically after a long moment, we’re back to being strangers.

„Uenoyama?” 

He jolts, the sound of his name startling him. 

„Uenoyama Ritsuka?”

He lifts his eyes only to be met with the sight of a short but quite energic man approaching him from the doorway. „What a pleasure to finally make your acquaintance!” The man says as he stops near the table. „Sorry for the wait, there were some last-minute changes that couldn’t be avoided. You see, my boss couldn’t make it, and well, I was sent in his place.”

„No problem,” Uenoyama says, his mouth dry. „Glad to meet you.” He pushes his hand forward more as a reflex than anything else and shakes hands with the formally dressed man whose face is so flushed and drenched with sweat, it overwhelmed his other features. He must’ve run all the way here, Uenoyama thinks, feeling bad for guessing he wanted to be late on purpose, rush hour is rather unforgiving at times.

The two spend a lot of time talking, discussing the terms and agreements of their partnership and arranging some deadlines. Not once throughout their entire conversation does Uenoyama feel comfortable. An odd sensation is pulsating at the back of his mind, distracting him, keeping him unfocused, like an itch he can’t reach to scratch. He is fortunate, however, that his interlocutor doesn’t notice. He is too absorbed talking about the details of the contract to spot how quick Uenoyama’s eyes are to zone out, staring blankly at the piece of paper before him. 

„So, we will need twelve songs from you by the end of the year. The samples are due by October, just to see which way you want to take your album. And we can discuss recording sessions as soon as we get those,” the producer’s assistant says and inches the contract closer to Uenoyama.

Uenoyama scans the piece of paper, which he then finds out has another nine pages attached to it and stops at the dotted line. „Your signature goes there,” the man says and hands him over a pen. Uenoyama flinches but impulsively reaches out for it. 

This is it, he thinks. He grasps the pen between his fingers and swirls it around a couple of times, fidgeting as he is struggling to make peace with what he is about to do. 

„Everything is set then,” the producer’s assistant says, seemingly pleased with the conclusion they reached. „I will contact your manager and send a copy of the contract over.”

„Looking forward to working with you,” Uenoyama stands up and forcing a smile, bows respectfully before the producer’s assistant.

Once left on his own, Uenoyama throws himself back in the chair and exhales loudly. He gazes forward and watches the producer’s assistant stumbling his way towards the door, his hasty and rather clumsy manner of behaving, causing him to bump into the side of a table before finally exiting the restaurant. 

_Some of us actually want to do more than just make music for the rest of our lives._

Uenoyama stands up straight in his chair and frowns. Ever since he could remember, he more or less went through the motions and dealt with things as they appeared before him. But no matter what happened, music has been everything his world revolved around; it has been the only goal he wanted to pursue. 

He leans over the table and holds onto his head. But if that were true, then why couldn’t he bring himself to smile? To jump up out of joy for having achieved his dream? To call Itaya so that they could go out and celebrate this breakthrough? 

„There might be a problem,” Uenoyama mumbles and clenches his hands as though pain came along with that realization.

„Uenoyama-kun?”

A cold shiver traverses Uenoyama’s body. He hasn’t heard his name uttered with that tone in too long of a time to put a number to it. His heart twinges and he can feel his disbelief coming alive in the paleness of his cheeks even before lifting his eyes and turning towards the source of the voice. To his left, from a somewhat safe distance, a wide-eyed red-haired man is scrutinizing him.

„Yeah,” Uenoyama breathes, the reply demanding so much out of him that he fears he might faint.

„I thought it was you.”

The man then smiles so widely he closes his eyes; the way his lips arch makes Uenoyama’s heart beat even louder, so loud it dampens all other noises in the restaurant. And for that moment, the world stops around his and Mafuyu’s reunion.

„How did you...when...what are you doing here?” Uenoyama decides on a question and stands up in his chair, clasping onto his hands so that Maufyu can’t see how vigorously they are shaking.

„Oh, I was meeting somebody. What about you, Uenoyama-kun?” 

„I was meeting somebody too,” Uenoyama says curtly, his reply flying off his lips before he can put any thought behind it.

„And how did it go?” Maufyu presses, taking Uenoyama by surprise. „I mean if it isn’t too personal.”

„Ah, no, well, it was about a music thing and—”

„Music?” Mafuyu repeats, the word making his eyes flicker as though he hasn't heard it before, or at least for a very long time.

„Yeah, there were talks of an album, and well—”

„Solo?”

„That’s right,” Uenoyama nods briefly. „How did you know?”

„Lucky guess, I suppose.”

„I see.”

Their conversation lulls. Uenoyama is keeping his gaze away from Maufyu’s even if he can feel his eyes lingering on him a bit too intensely. He doesn’t know what to make of their bizarre reunion. He isn’t prepared for it. Nostalgia has been the only thing that kept his link to the past alive. And because of how much headache it has been causing him, this wasn’t a good time to begin digging up the past.

„Uenoyama-kun?”

„Yeah?” Uenoyama jolts, struggling to keep his reactions composed.

„It was nice seeing you.”

„Yeah,” Uenoyama says, his voice trembling, still avoiding Mafuyu’s eyes, „you too.” Where did he even come from, Uenoyama thinks, clenching onto his hands even tighter, now of all times. Uenoyama then narrows his eyes, anxiety turning into frustration at the chance meeting he didn't envision would ever happen.

Seeing how guarded Uenoyama becomes, Mafuyu nods politely and turns. Uenoyama takes notice of his desire to put some distance between them with the corner of his eye. Everything happens too fast for him to put into words, and Uenoyama would've gladly turned a blind eye to Mafuyu's departure, were it not for the fact that in that split second, he catches a glimpse of Maufyu’s eyes. 

He remembers how focused they were when watching him playing guitar that day in the studio when he first introduced him to his band; the way they were glowing when he convinced him to write a song for them; how they shone when he praised him after their first live performance together. 

„Mafuyu,” Uenoyama says, standing up and reaching out to him before he could make sense of his actions. 

Mafuyu turns around, wide-eyed, fixated on the spot Uenoyama is grabbing, the lower part of his sleeve. He holds his breath, taken aback by Uenoyama’s impulsive gesture. The whole restaurant pauses for a moment, their eyes on the two who unwillingly caught their attention.

„Ah, sorry, I...I didn’t mean to...” Uenoyama stutters and retreats, moving his hand on the back of his neck, gazing away from Mafuyu once more just as he turns to him.

The first thing Mafuyu notices is the redness of his cheeks. His expression relaxes, and tilting his head shily, Mafuyu opens his mouth to speak. „I have a book signing at the end of the week. Would you like to come?”

Uenoyama’s eyebrows shoot upwards. „Of course,” he says without a moment’s hesitation. „I mean, if that would be ok with you and...” he swallows, noticing his excitement was a bit too obvious.

„It would be nice to know you are there,” Mafuyu says, keeping his smile. „It’s right next door, that’s why I came here. I needed to go over some details with my publisher.”

Uenoyama nods and remains still for a long moment.

„Well, I will see you then.”

Uenoyama nods once more and allows Mafuyu to take his leave. Seeing him disappear through the door drains his body, a memory from a time long passed quick to stir — Mafuyu saying no, leaving and not looking back. That’s right, Uenoyama thinks, he never looked back after that day; did our time together really mean nothing to him? 

The question is roaming through his mind from the moment he leaves the restaurant and until he throws himself on his bed that evening. His mind is stuttering, repeating the same thoughts, clouding his vision, making him unable to move past that moment. Like a scratched record, Uenoyama sighs. Notalgia got the better of him once more, and as if that wasn’t enough, his reunion with Mafuyu only worsened his precarious condition. 

A continuous buzzing wakes him up from his lengthy contemplation. He whips to the side and glances at his phone. Of course, Uenoyama thinks, who else would be calling me apart from him?

„So, how did the meeting go?”

„Great,” Uenoyama replies a bit too ecstatically, as though he had practiced saying that ten times before actually admitting it. „Well, I mean, the producer couldn’t be bothered, so he sent his assistant. I don’t know if I should take that as a red flag or not.”

 _„What do you mean? Stop thinking like that; this is great news!”_ Itaya chirps. _„As long as somebody from the record label met with you, it’s a done deal! Congratulations, Uecchi, I knew you could do it.”_

„Thank you,” Uenoyama says, and then takes a long moment before speaking once more. „Speaking of which, how did your date go?”

_„My date? Really? How come you’re interested in that all of a sudden?”_

„Fine, then forget I asked,” Uenoyama says, hunching over the side of the bed.

 _„No, no, I didn’t mean it like that,”_ Itaya's unnerved, looking to restart the conversation. _„Well, actually, it went well. I don’t know; maybe it’s too soon to admit it, but I think she might be the one.”_

„It was just a date, Shougo,” Uenoyama says and scratches the top of his head. „I don’t think that’s how things work. I mean, how can you figure out who is your better half after a couple of dates?”

_„We’ve been dating for two years, Uecchi.”_

„Ah, I’m sorry,” Uenoyama flinches. „I didn’t realize it was the same girl.”

_„Of course, it is. Who do you think I am?”_

Uenoyama stands up from his bed and takes a few steps in his apartment, phone still close to his ear. „Congratulations, Shougo. You deserve to be happy.”

Uenoyama notices Itaya is taking his time before answering. But then again, he can’t believe it himself. There is something about how he phrased his sentence that made it seem that those weren’t even his words.

 _„Thank you, Uecchi. You are a good friend,”_ Itaya finally says, and Uenoyama can almost see his broad smile. _„Well, then, get some rest, and I’ll talk to you tomorrow. Make sure to be on time for practice in the morning. You need all the prep you can get if you want to impress the producer.”_

„And the producer’s assistant, don’t forget about him,” Uenoyama mumbles, stroking his forehead.

He hangs up the call and tosses the phone behind him on the bed. Today was a weird day, Uenoyama thinks and glances over at his Fender Telecaster, which is resting in its stand in the corner of his one-bedroom apartment. 

Uenoyama's guitar collection has increased over the years, but he always felt the most comfortable playing the Fender he inherited from his father. The sounds it made, the comfort it provided him, the security it reassured him of, the memories it held. In a way, the image of the abandoned Fender weighed heavily on his heart because he rarely uses it nowadays, but in another, it spurs him on, seeing that he can progress while stepping out of his comfort zone. And letting go of the past. 

Uenoyama then lifts his eyes and looks around him. The apartment is empty, apart from the bare necessities. The white walls are also blank, devoid of any pictures or family portraits or memories he was supposed to make together with his significant other. There is no trace of that. There is nothing else there apart from him and his guitars. 

He grabs his cigarette package from the nearby counter and goes outside the balcony. Staring at the night sky, Uenoyama allows himself to relax, and leaning over the balcony rails, he lights up a cigarette. 

„A book signing, huh?” He murmurs, exhaling a cloud of smoke, which disappears just as soon as it rises towards the flickering stars above his head.

* * * * *

„Are you serious?” Itaya asks loudly, in between the loud beats of the music. „Wait, wait, back up, did you honestly meet with Satou Mafuyu?” 

„Yeah, that’s what I said. I stumbled upon him by accident when I met with the producer’s assistant at the restaurant earlier this week.”

„And it took you this long to tell me?”

„I didn’t think it mattered,” Uenoyama says and drinks the rest of his whiskey.

„You do know he is like this big shot poet now, right?”

„Big shot poet?” Uenoyama repeats, that combination of words taking some time before making any sense in his mind. 

„Yeah, apparently he took the whole literary world by storm when he published his book, some even called it the renaissance of poetry. My girlfriend was so much into him she made me buy a copy and well, I did, and damn,” Itaya laughs nervously and gestures to the waiter for a refill on their drinks. „I have to say, it’s some heavy shit, and I don’t even read poetry.” 

Uenoyama leans back in the fabric couch, finding it hard to settle his thought. The bar is overly lively this evening; the alcohol was too much two glasses ago, and the glances thrown his way from supposed fans or admirers made it hard for him to focus. 

„What’s with that face?” Itaya asks and pushes another glass of whiskey in front of his friend.

„It’s hard to believe that’s all,” Uenoyama says in a moment of complete honesty.

„Why? Because you had a thing for him?”

Uenoyama clutches onto his glass, Itaya’s words echoing in his ear. 

You had _a thing_ for him. 

„It’s not like that,” he forces a reply.

„Right,” Itaya says, and a sneaky smile creps its way to his face.

You _had_ a thing for him. 

„It’s not like that,” Uenoyama feels the need to repeat.

„Hey, I’m not judging,” Itaya follows and drinks from his glass. „We were both young back then. And you know, for the longest time,” he says but weighs his thoughts carefully before uttering them, „I thought I had a thing for Ueki, too.”

Uenoyama lifts his eyes and stares at him, more questions swirling in his mind than he could ever put to words. 

„But it was just a phase,” Itaya waves his hand dismissively. „After I met my current girlfriend, all those feelings faded away,” he then lifts his eyes, a broad smile accompanying the typical pleasant expression.

Uenoyama's heart stutters. He lowers his eyes, focusing on his glass, looking to hide his disgruntled expression. 

„It took me a while, but, you know, I’m glad things turned out the way they did.”

„You don't talk to Ueki anymore, do you?” Uenoyama asks as if not hearing his previous statement.

„Ever since he moved abroad to attend that snobby university, no.”

Itaya looks away when he says that. It’s hard to put any meaning behind his gesture, but for whatever reason, it registers in Uenoyama and stays with him long after their conversation ends. 

„Thank you for going out with me,” Itaya says, leaning onto Uenoyama when they leave the bar in the late hours of the night.

„No need to thank me,” Uenoyama fastens his grip on his friend. „I think I needed a change of pace just as much as you did.”

„Yeah, you can say that again,” he laughs. „You’ve been behaving so weird lately I came close a point of giving you an ultimatum, really.”

Uenoyama had a lot to drink that night, but not nearly as much as his friend. „Weirdly? How do you mean exactly?” He presses, intrigued to find out more, and by the same token, wary of making sense of Itaya’s reality of which he was slow to accept fully. 

„As if you are lost. You’ve had the same look in your eyes as you did three years ago during those last weeks of high school. And don’t even get me started on your temper tantrums.”

Uenoyama swallows and holds his breath for a long moment, uncertainty taking the place of his typical fiery protest. 

„Uecchi, be honest,” Itaya says, lifting his head and choosing to stare up ahead, hanging from Uenoyama’s shoulder. „Does it have anything to do with... what’s his name? Suzuki, Tanaka?”

„Satou,” Uenoyama corrects him almost instantly. „What...What are you laughing about?”

„Oh, nothing,” Itaya says, clearing a tear away from his eye. „In a way, I think you just answered my question.”

Uenoyama growls, pondering for a long moment if he should just release his friend’s arm and let him fend for himself. But he forces himself to take a deep breath, and they walk in silence until the train station. He watches over him as Itaya gets onto the train before turning and walking back to his apartment. Money is tight this late in the month, and Uenoyama is still waiting for the check from his last gig. He can’t afford taxies, and so, walking has to do. Besides, if nothing else, it might help him wake up from his slightly inebriated state.

I wish he didn’t talk about things he doesn’t understand, Uenoyama thinks and lights a cigarette, displeased in a way that his friend took that sort of leap and delivered his thoughts without any restraints. But then again, it was his only friend. And he couldn’t be mad at him. 

Itaya had proven to be a pillar in his life, and in one way or another, he owed a lot of his current success to him and his pragmatic ways of dealing with people. Itaya is pretty amazing, Uenoyama thinks, not having the courage to say it out loud, he proves it time and time again. He is a people’s person more than Uenoyama could ever be; he knows how to talk, how to make himself liked, and, last but not least, how to push his agenda forward. And now, his agenda revolved around Uenoyama.

„I’ll make you a star, even if it’s the last thing I do,” Itaya had told him after stumbling upon him by chance in a club during one of his performances at the beginning of his solo career, precisely one year after they graduated. 

Uenoyama had no idea what spurred him on to make him that promise. It might’ve been because either he honestly meant it, either he couldn’t oppose his rebellious side, as he also ended up refusing to pursue a University education or his drunken state. Perhaps, on second thought, it probably had to do with a bit of all of those things. But as far as Uenoyama could see, Itaya hadn’t faltered in his promise. And with that in mind, Uenoyama sets his alarm earlier than he usually did to make sure he got to practice in good time the next day.

* * * * *

Uenoyama freezes in the doorway, a look of brief surprise flashing across his face. „What are you doing here?” he asks and makes his way out of the studio, his guitar hanging sloppily off his shoulder.

„What do you mean?” Itaya shrugs, handing him a bottle of water. „I’m here to support you. So here it goes — good work for today.”

Uenoyama accepts the bottle and thanks him with a nod. They move to the side of the building out of the way of any passing pedestrian. Before either of them says anything, Uenoyama brings a cigarette to his lips. 

„You know those aren’t good for you.”

„Give it a rest, mom,” Uenoyama intervenes and lights the cigarette.

„Always the rebel,” Itaya shakes his head and leans against the metal fence, taking his gaze away from Uenoyama. „I talked to the producer.”

„And?” Uenoyama asks, excitement pulsating in his veins.

„They are looking forward to working with you,” Itaya smiles. „I’m so relieved; I almost can’t believe it, you know? You did it, Uecchi,” he speaks in a low voice and brings his hand to his shoulder. „You actually did it.”

Uenoyama huffs out a laugh. „We did it, you buffoon. Nothing would've happened without your help.”

„Maybe, maybe not,” Itaya turns to face him. „Don’t forget, we both came from the same dead-end high school. Whatever we did afterward, we did ourselves,” he follows. „So, don’t hesitate to be a bit conceited if you feel like it.”

„All the hours of hard work finally paying off, huh?” Uenoyama allows himself a chuckle before sneaking a glance at the studio behind him. 

„Any plans for tonight, Uecchi?”

Uenoyama’s eyes are drawn to Itaya. The polite neutrality of his tone is making him suspicious. He stirs from one foot to the other, noticing the suppressed enthusiasm glistening on Itaya’s expression. 

„A certain book signing event, perhaps?” 

„Book signing...” Uenoyama stutters as his thoughts catch up to him.

„Yeah, you know, Satou’s,” Itaya presses warily.

Uenoyama’s eyes widen. He opens his mouth to speak but ends up wincing when the cigarette’s ash falls on his fingers. Of course, Uenoyama thinks, how could I forget? He accepted his invitation, and while he wasn’t one to back down on a promise, that might’ve been his only chance at seeing Mafuyu again. „Sorry, Shougo, but I need to head to the train station.”

„You might not make it, though,” Itaya clicks his tongue after checking his watch. „It’s rush hour. Let me hail you a cab.”

„No!” Uenoyama yells but quickly retreats afterward. „You don’t have to.”

„Come on; I’ll put it on the company tab,” Itaya snickers and extends his hand in the street.

Uenoyama shakes his head. He is all too familiar with Itaya’s way of saying, „it’s on me.” As embarrassing as it is to accept more favors from him, Uenoyama is confident he will shortly be able to repay him for everything he did for him. 

Uenoyama gets into a taxi, and it drives him to the book store Mafuyu mentioned that day in the restaurant. Still conflicted, Uenoyama can’t decide if he is ready to be part of that again. That meaning anything which involves Mafuyu. Mafuyu, the one who refused the offer to debut with the rest of the band. Mafuyu who turned his back on a future together with him. Mafuyu who found it so hard to express himself that day when he left Uenoyama behind with nothing but complete silence. 

Uenoyama pushes the book store’s door and make his way inside. A large crowd of people is roaming around, browsing through the many carefully arranged shelves, checking out the bargain bin, and debating between titles and authors. However, most of them are huddled around a stand, somewhere in the far reaches of the store. 

Uenoyama hesitates for a moment, feeling lost and confused, and, most of all, extremely out of place. What am I even doing here, he thinks and sighs, this was a mistake. 

One foot is out the door when a shy but lively wave of applause catches Uenoyama’s attention. He stops and turns around to investigate. Far into the distance, Mafuyu appears before the public. That’s when Uenoyama sees him, as clearly as when he was in front of him at the restaurant. He might’ve been taller, and a lot more mature, with his hair neatly arranged around his ears, but he is perfect, just as he remembers him to be. As a moth drawn to the fire, Uenoyama retraces his steps. 

Uenoyama grabs a copy of his book and queues to his stand. While waiting, he overhears those around him share their opinion about Mafuyu’s work and how much it affected them, made them rethink their lives, and in some cases, changed their life.

Uenoyama inhales profoundly and takes a moment to collect his thought. Everything those people are describing is resonating with him but in a different manner. Mafuyu impacted his life too, but not with words, actually with the exact opposite. That song he shared with him when they were lounging at his napping spot in high school was the trigger. It was the reason he invited Mafuyu to join his band. It was the reason his heart began beating so fast. Uenoyama's lips thin, the aftermath of that faithful day still stinging. 

He lowers his eyes at the hardback copy of the book in his hands. Poetry, Uenoyama thinks vaguely, so this is Mafuyu’s way of expressing himself. He drags his hands over the books’ title, its protruding letters making his skin prickle. 

Unable to hold back on his curiosity, Uenoyama pushes his fingers between the book’s pages. He stretches the spine, opening the book and steadying it in the palm of his hand, Uenoyama begins to read. 

_Time passes freely,_  
_The summer breeze sweeps the land anew_  
_Leaves tremble reluctantly, while I--_

The person from before him has left, and now it’s his turn. Uenoyama raises his gaze and meets Mafuyu’s, who’s in front of him. Uenoyama’s chest tightens; he feels frozen, lost in thought and action, lacking any clue as to what to do when so close to him again.

But Mafuyu is quick to react; he smiles and invites him to approach the table. Uenoyama nods and follows, his steps unrushed. 

„Your book, Uenoyama-kun,” Mafuyu says, the sound of his name spoken in Mafuyu’s voice sending a shiver down his spine.

„Oh, right,” he says, pushing it forward, but Uenoyama cannot move his eyes from Mafuyu. He is scrutinizing him, staring at him, trying to catch all the little details of Mafuyu’s grown-up appearance. He isn’t the adolescent he used to bump into at school, sleeping at his favorite napping spot; he isn't the shy boy who had no other friends at school apart from him; he isn't the boy he invited to play alongside him and his band.

„Thank you for your support,” Mafuyu says, handing over his copy of the book. 

Uenoyama turns his eyes to the book and reaches for it. He grabs it, his fingers brushing against Mafuyu’s for a slight moment as the exchange happened. Mafuyu flinches, Uenoyama still lost in the moment.

„Thank you very much. Next customer, please,” a person from behind Mafuyu is quick to intervene, seeing as how Uenoyama was holding up the line with his indecisiveness.

Uenoyama blinks repeatedly and moves away, glancing back one more time before losing sight of Mafuyu. He pays for the book and exits the bookstore, finding himself in desperate need of some fresh air. 

As soon as he closes the bookstore’s door behind him, his knees weaken, and he crumbles to the ground. 

„What the hell was that all about,” Uenoyama murmurs, leaning on the cold wall behind him, clutching onto Mafuyu’s book. I never thought being surrounded by so many people can be so overwhelming, he thinks. He, however, understands all too well that it only takes one person, the right person to cause that reaction in him and not an entire crowd.

Uenoyama glances at the book in his hand, debating for a long moment what he should do. Having come this far, he is unable to resist. Gritting his teeth, he forces it open and scans through some pages. He sees the letters, he takes note of the paragraphs and titles, but for some reason, Uenoyama is unable to make sense of their meaning. 

Uenoyama frowns and glimpses up at the sky. He has a part of Mafuyu in his hands. His mind, his words, his heart. Everything he was never able to tell him with his own words, Mafuyu chose to lay down in black and white for an entire world to see. Uenoyama exhales and stands up from the ground. He unfastens his guitar bag, looking to put the book inside one of its pockets when his eyes catch a glimpse of Mafuyu's stand. 

While most of the crowd has dispersed, there are still a few people browsing around the book store. But just then, he sees Mafuyu appearing from behind one of the bookshelves. His heart lifts, and Uenoyama is caught in the moment, thinking about how much he would like to approach him and... talk. 

Just a simple, friendly chat, Uenoyama thinks, I mean, I didn’t even get to congratulate him back then. Hearing him saying his name earlier was pure joy, the one he hasn’t tasted in a long time; he would give anything to have that moment repeat itself. Just a moment, Uenoyama urges a thought, and at the same time giving himself the courage to pass through the book store’s doors once more.

But Mafuyu isn’t alone. The person from earlier is with him too. The one that prompted Uenoyama away because he was holding up the queue. A guy taller than Mafuyu, smartly dressed, with short, curly hair, and a fancy pair of glasses. 

Uenoyama stutters, the sight unsettling him. The guy is close to Mafuyu; they are talking. Mafuyu replies tersely with half a mouth and goes to turn away from him. But the guy grabs his arm, Mafuyu’s slender body recoiling. 

No, not his arm, Uenoyama notices as his mouth opens up in protest, but his hand. 

The guy is holding Mafuyu’s hand. 

Uenoyama’s heart sinks. Trying not to stare, he cannot do anything but that. He is glued to the sight, his mind stuttering again, repeating the same image, the same feeling, the same everything. 

But it's not his place to impose. And once he comes to terms with that fact, Uenoyama closes his mouth. He forces himself to face away, and after a long moment, he complies. With an unsteady step and a weary mind, Uenoyama begins walking towards the station’s direction. 


	3. Chapter 3

Uenoyama is in the studio room together with Haruki and Akihiko. They halt the rehearsal session without any notice, and Uenoyama turns to his bandmates. He is quick to speak and doesn’t hesitate to add an unsettling weight to his words. Haruki crosses his arms on his chest, listening to Uenoyama, Akihiko expressionless behind him. Uenoyama then points to the spot where Mafuyu used to stand and play his signature red Gibson. His gestures turn erratic as he is becoming increasingly agitated. And that’s when Akihiko steps forward and extends his arm to the side as if sheltering Haruki from Uenoyama’s rant. Uenoyama flinches, surprised by the intervention. Haruki stays silent, while Akihiko opens his mouth to speak. He doesn’t say much but says enough. Uenoyama then grits his teeth, and turning his back to his bandmates, goes to unplug his guitar from the amp. Haruki jolts, wanting to approach Uenoyama, but with a shake of his head, Akihiko insists he keeps his distance. Uenoyama packs his things and leaves the studio, the door shutting behind him, enveloping his friends’ faces in shadow.

Uenoyama jolts awake. He is panting as perspiration beads drip down the sides of his face. That wasn’t a dream, he thinks, staring down at his shaking hands, but a memory turned into a nightmare. 

He turns to the side and glances outside the window. His eyes flicker at the dark, bare sky, searching for something to calm him, anything to return him to the present. The streetlamp outside his apartment is the only source of light that reaches him, and after a long moment, he finds solace in it’s dwindling light. 

Uenoyama then glances at his phone and sighs in relief. Still a couple more hours until he has to get up and tend to the day. With a weary mind, he returns to his pillow, hoping he can steer away from his memories.

* * * * *

„Good job today at rehearsal,” Itaya jumps as soon as he spots Uenoyama making his way out of the studio.

„Thank you very much,” Uenoyama says, approaching him and grabs the can of coffee his friend hands him.

„So what of the song samples?” Itaya asks with half a mouth, unsure of what to make of Uenoyama’s mood. „Did you decide what you want to play?” 

„I have until next week to come up with a list,” Uenoyama replies tersely. „Everybody is eager to begin recording,” he follows, opening the can with a loud pop and takes a sip. „Myself included.”

„Well, make sure you practice a lot until then,” Itaya turns to him, unconvinced by his last statement. „This has to be your best performance yet.”

„Yeah, yeah, I know,” Uenoyama replies, staring into the distance. 

Itaya keeps sneaking glances at Uenoyama, thinking that at one point or another, he will engage him. But that doesn’t happen, Uenoyama silently preferring the comfort of his thoughts. Unable to dismiss the faint shadows beneath his eyes, Itaya sighs and dares to press forward onto the minefield that is Uenoyama’s mind.

„Did you make it to the book signing?”

Uenoyama’s fingers stiffen around the can of coffee. He lowers his gaze, his expression now a complete mystery to Itaya.

„You seemed more excited about it than you ever were about your album, so I had to ask,” Itaya leans backward slightly, trying to keep his nerves from surfacing. „Don’t get me wrong, but it was obvious it meant a lot to you.”

Uenoyama exhales and, with a bland tone, utters an indifferent „Yeah, I went.”

„Well, and? Did you see Takashi?”

„Satou. Mafuyu,” Uenoyama breathes, the name making his lip tremble. 

„Ok, and what else?” Itaya asks, leaning towards Uenoyama, so as not to miss any of his reactions. „A phone number? A date, perhaps?”

Uenoyama clicks his tongue as his fingers grasp the can even harder. 

„I’m kidding, I’m kidding,” Itaya lifts his hands forward defensively and retreats. „But seriously, Ueechi, if it were up to me, I’d urge you to go to book-related events every week if that means bringing some passion back into your eyes.”

Uenoyama swallows and chooses to say nothing. He then stands up and excuses himself from Itaya’s presence, looking to catch the train before rush hour hits. Itaya watches over him as he leaves, and no matter how much he wants to reach out to him, he knows that would only add to his frustration. 

„You never make this easy, huh, Uecchi, not even on yourself,” Itaya utters in a low voice, shaking his head, in a way hoping that his words would reach Uenoyama’s ears.

Uenoyama stops by the convenience store and buys some instant ramen. He arrives at his empty apartment late that evening, and after a long cold shower, he goes to unpack his guitar bag. Just as he is browsing its pockets for his cigarette pack, he stumbles upon Mafuyu’s book. That’s why it’s been heavier than usual, Uenoyama thinks, removing the book and studying it for a few moments. 

With slow and steady movements, he drags his fingers across the protruding letters of the title, and much to his silent astonishment, their effect on him is the same. His skin is covered in goosebumps, and before he can make sense of what’s happening in his heart, he frowns. There’s no point in feeling this way, Uenoyama thinks, Itaya might’ve started to suspect something, and I can’t keep doing this. 

„So many things are different now,” Uenoyama murmurs as he brings the book to his temple. „I’m done with school; I moved out of my childhood home, I gave up on Given, I don’t talk to Haruki-san or Kaji-san anymore. You are not part of my life anymore...” he grits his teeth and stands up with the book in his hand. „But it’s not like you would understand.”

Uenoyama approaches the kitchen area, and with slow and steady movements, he opens the trash can and aims to put the book inside. 

_Time passes freely,_  
_The summer breeze sweeps the land anew_  
_Leaves tremble reluctantly, while I--_

„While I go to bed,” Uenoyama says and releases the book from his hand. 

* * * * *

„From the top, please.”

The sound engineer instructs Uenoyama from the control room. Uenoyama glances up through the window in front of him and sees Itaya smiling, looking to distract him from the bored engineer who is overseeing his recording session.

Uenoyama exhales and recenters his focus. He clenches onto the guitar pick and counts down by rhythmically beating into the guitar’s body with his hand to get himself accustomed to the tempo of the song of which he wants to record a sample. He takes a deep breath and inches the pick to the strings. The song is playing in his mind; the only thing he needs to do is convey it through his guitar. In his eagerness, though, his fingers are so quick to start playing that they jump the first note entirely. 

„From the top, please.”

The sound engineer’s disgruntled voice echoes in Uenoyama’s ear, his concentration reduced to nothing once more. In a way, he was expecting to hear that. 

It takes Uenoyama a whole day to record half the samples he prepared. Everybody in the control room is glaring at him when he makes his way inside from the live room. All apart from Itaya, whose smile has not waned. 

Uenoyama grabs his things and rushes his step, eager to get out of the recording studio. And in his haste, he forgets his copy of the samples the engineer left out for him. But Itaya is quick to notice and recovers it before they leave the studio.

„And what a productive day it has been!” Itaya cheers as they walk together down the street. „Tomorrow, we finish recording everything. Once we are happy with the samples, I will send them to the producer. And if he approves, I’ll arrange a recording session for the entire album with the studio,” Itaya says as though trying to set up a schedule for himself.

„Should we go get a drink?” Uenoyama asks, desperate for a distraction just as they are about to reach a bar. 

Itaya blinks in confusion and stops after turning to his friend. „Are you sure, Uecchi? I mean, tomorrow is a big day and... And you also have rehearsals!”

„Yeah, at noon. And besides, just a beer,” Uenoyama frowns and lifts his gaze. „I feel like I need this.”

Hearing him speaking so apprehensively, Itaya is unable to resist. He takes that as Uenoyama’s first attempt at reaching out to him. Taking this as his chance to comfort his friend, he pushes Uenoyama inside the bar, whole different energy animating him. The two find a secluded spot by the side of the bar, and before they get to sit down, Uenoyama is already ordering two beers and some shots for them. 

„Are you that happy that we got paid from that last gig?” Itaya says and clinks his glass with Uenoyama’s.

„That and,” Uenoyama pauses briefly before downing both shot glasses, „I’m sorry about today.” 

„No, come on, it happens even to the best of us. Everybody has nerves on the first day of the job,” he replies and goes to pat Uenoyama on the back as he hunches over the counter.

Uenoyama nods and reaches for his beer. He grasps the beer glass with his long fingers and, after a brief battle with his thoughts, and drinking half the glass in one thirsty gulp, he gives voice to his insecurities. „What if it wasn’t nerves?”

„What do you mean? What else could it be?”

„I don’t know,” Uenoyama breathes and glances away, his fingers growing cold around the half-empty glass of beer. „What if I am not as good as you make me seem?”

Itaya repeatedly blinks, struggling to understand his friend’s words, and more accurately, the source of his doubt. He tilts his head forward, eager to catch a glimpse of Uenoyama’s face. Calm but not peaceful, Itaya notes and insists on his investigation. There are long shadows on his face, indicative of bottled-up frustration, or repressed anger. Itaya swallows. 

„Don’t be silly, Uecchi,” he then takes a long moment before continuing, looking to erase any signs of worry from his tone. „Do you honestly think I’d give up my future as a competitive athlete if I didn’t trust you?”

Uenoyama turns to him, finding it impossible to hide his surprise. „What...what are you saying? A competitive athlete?”

„Well, yeah. I was offered a scholarship to a prestigious sports university. Cool ties with sports clubs, big brands sponsorships, stunning cheerleaders, the whole package,” Itaya follows, a relaxed air to him.

„And?” Uenoyama pushes, his mouth dry.

„What do you mean and? Can’t you see that I’m right here in front of you?” 

„I can see that, but tell me the part I’m failing to grasp,” Uenoyama says, and after taking note of Itaya’s expression, understands he has to be more specific. „Why, Shougo? Why would you give that up?”

„That day I met you at the bar, after your first solo appearance, you told me that you’ve made up your mind and you weren’t going to be pursuing a university degree. That you were set on making music.”

„Yeah, I do remember that,” Uenoyama lowers his gaze.

„That was a week after I got my scholarship and the day Ueki left abroad, and well, I didn’t know what to do with myself,” Itaya continues, forcing himself to keep from stuttering. „I guess I took his departure a lot worse than I thought I would. I mean, that’s why I was at the bar in the first place,” he huffs out a laugh, as though embarrassed. „And as if that wasn’t enough, there you were all on our own, with no Given in sight.”

Uenoyama shifts relentlessly, scenes of the nightmare about his argument with his former bandmates flickering in his mind.

„I was pendulating so much between things that I thought I wanted, and that I thought I needed, I feared I’d end up going crazy. But after talking to you and seeing how confident you were in your sound, I knew I couldn’t turn my back on that opportunity. And by accepting me to stay by your side, you gave me a purpose,” Itaya says, a shy smile creeping on his face. „You saved me that day, Uecchi.”

A rush of emotions sweeps over Uenoyama, stirring his heart. Hearing Itaya, a man whom he sees as firm and unbending, telling him of a time in which he was also made to endure a terrible strain, causes him to question a great many things he wouldn’t doubt usually. His anxiety turns into vulnerability, and with that spurring him on, Uenoyama clutches onto that moment and makes it his own. 

„We argued,” Uenoyama forces himself to say, realizing then that if there’s anybody who can understand him, it’s his friend. „We never argued before when it came to band-related things, but the pressure of the debut was getting to us. In the end, I supposed we couldn’t handle it. There were some unkind words exchanged. I was called unfocused and indifferent. Looking back at it now, I think I deserved all that. But what hurt the most was that they thought I only went as far as I did because of Mafuyu. To impress him and to keep him interested in me. But since he wasn’t there anymore, I had lost my motivation, and well, they said that it would be better if I took a break. So I did. And I never went back.”

Itaya stares at him, several expressions shifting over his face. He twists his lips slightly, as though considering something, but chooses not to talk. 

„I let them down, you know?” Uenoyama follows, sounding thoroughly unnerved. „I promised them that I wouldn’t let whatever was between me and Mafuyu get in the way of the music and then... I did just that,” he says and hides his face in his palm. „Shit.”

„Uecchi, how much did he mean to you exactly... I mean, Mafuyu,” Itaya finally asks, his temptation on the topic having reached its limit.

Uenoyama frowns, and from within the safety of his palm, he opens his mouth to speak. What’s the point of hiding, it’s all in the past, Uenoyama thinks. And maybe by admitting it, I will finally be freed so that I can move on, just like he did. 

„Are you Ritsuka? I mean, Uenoyama Ritsuka?”

They whip around at the same time, as though they share the name. A red-haired girl is standing before them, smiling widely. She then blushes heavily, seeing how persistently they are staring at her, with the same wide-eyed, clueless expression etched on both their faces. Itaya is, however, faster to recover and elbows Uenoyama in his ribs. 

„Ye-Yeah, that’s me,” Uenoyama clears his throat and says.

„I knew it,” the girl jumps up and cheers loudly. „I was at your last concert and let me tell you; you were ten times better than the band you opened for. You are absolutely the best. I can’t believe you weren’t asked to play alongside them,” she says and pushes her hand forward. „Pleased to meet you.”

She says a name, but Uenoyama doesn’t catch it. Noting how lost his friend is, both in thought and action, Itaya feels the need to repeat his gesture from before. Uenoyama grunts in pain but ends up pushing his hand forward and greets the girl. 

„Do you want anything to drink?” Uenoyama offers impulsively, startled by the genuine excitement in the girl’s eyes.

The redhead nods and gets comfortable at their side of the counter. She asks for his autograph, shifting from one leg to another and is welling up when he agrees to take a selfie with her. After a couple more shots, any trace of hesitation disappears from the atmosphere between them. She cannot take her eyes off of Uenoyama as they begin to talk about music, and future concerts, and all sorts of behind the scenes things he is willing to share with her. Seeing as how relentless the girl is becoming in her pursuit of questioning Uenoyama, Itaya intervenes. 

„It’s getting late, Uecchi,” he says and waits for Uenoyama to agree with him or at least look to put some distance between him and the girl. But Uenoyama remains unfazed. Itaya nods and understanding that Uenoyama’s intentions might’ve changed for the night, he stands up from the bar. „Don’t forget about tomorrow,” he follows before gathering his things and taking his leave.

„Bye-bye,” the girl says gleefully. „So, is he like your custodian or what?” She inquires, turning to Uenoyama as he is waving goodbye to Itaya.

„My friend,” Uenoyama laughs and orders some more drinks. „And my manager,” he feels the need to add.

„Don’t you get bored hanging out with him all the time?” The girl presses, taking Itaya’s seat right beside Uenoyama at the bar.

„Not at all, he is a great guy,” Uenoyama says and finishes his second glass of beer. „We’ve known each other since—”

„Do you want to dance?” The girl interrupts and puts her hand on Uenoyama’s arm. 

He lifts his eyes at her, and before he can say his piece, she pulls him up from his chair. The gesture is too sudden and is enough to make him dizzy. Drinking fast and mixing his drinks hasn’t been a good idea. But then again, dancing was never part of tonight’s itinerary.

Uenoyama is ungainly in his walk, the world moving around him a bit too fast for him to be able to catch up to it. The only thing he can make out is the girl in front of him who is dragging him on to the dance floor. 

The music is loudly echoing in their ears, and with the passion of the crowd inciting them, they begin to dance. The girl is giggling, continually smiling, looking for a way to get closer to him. Through brief glimpses of clarity, Uenoyama understands what she is doing, but for some reason, chooses not to oppose her advances. She clutches onto his Tshirt and, with slow and delicate gestures, moving her fingers from his chest and up to his face, around his neck, until she finds herself pressing against his chest. She turns her head towards him, and, having become even braver in her approach, she then lifts herself to his lips. 

Caught in the moment, Uenoyama gazes down at her. Almost instantly, his eyes rest on the paleness of her skin and the color of her long red hair. His heart is thumping, and unable to resist, he surrenders to the cravings inside his heart. He closes his eyes and approaches the person at his chest.

He parts his lips and breathes, „Mafuyu.”

The girl suddenly jolts and pushes onto his chest. „What did you say?” she asks, narrowing her eyes at a dazed Uenoyama.

„Me? I didn’t... what did I say?” He stumbles upon his words, everything happening too fast for him to be able to distinguish reality from his imagination.

„Who is Mafuyu?” 

Uenoyama’s eyes grow twice the size. Despite his drunken haze, he is quick to jolt awake after hearing her saying that name. Uenoyama is caught staring at the girl for a long moment until she runs out of patience. She reaches up to him and slaps him before abandoning him in the middle of the dancefloor, surrounded by strangers who are just as perplexed by her gesture as Uenoyama is.

* * * * *

„Well, considering you missed rehearsals, the recording session wasn’t as bad as yesterday. May I asked what changed?”

„Rather you didn’t ask,” Uenoyama scoffs, holding onto his head and forcing himself to drink another coffee. This hangover is never going to let go, Uenoyama thinks, now at his wit's end after fighting it for an entire day.

„Then tell me this,” Itaya approaches him, suppressing a snicker, „what’s with the bruise on your face?”

„Rather you didn’t ask,” Uenoyama repeats, then glances up at his friend with a gaze so menacing Itaya takes a step away from him.

There are a few words exchanged between them afterward, and after saying their farewells, Uenoyama heads for the train station. He huffs in frustration when hearing that due to declining weather conditions, the trains are running late. Seeing as he has some time to kill until the next train arrives, he decides to do something he hasn’t done in a long while - listen to music. 

For somebody who makes music and fills every aspect of his life with it, Uenoyama is rarely interested in the sound of other bands. When he was young, he remembers how keen he was to discover new and exciting genres and to enrich his playlist with various musical groups and artists. He was willing to listen to anything and everything and all to find his own sound. However, there are few instances nowadays when a song can satisfy him as best as that one specific song he is itching to hear.

It must’ve been during his last year of high school when Kashima Hiiragi, one of Mafuyu’s childhood friends, for whose band he accepted to play support at the time, shared a song with him. And he’s kept it ever since, unbeknownst to anybody else, sneaking a listen now and then.

Uenoyama scrolls through his phone, accessing folder upon folder although he knows where it is, and knows exactly where to find it. He is stalling; he doesn’t want to seem desperate. Once he finds the song, however, he hesitates before playing it. Though many things are different in his life now, the song, just like the effect it has on him, is the same.

The instrumental intro, the pleasant but striking humming, and then, Uenoyama thinks and closes his eyes, Yoshida Yuki’s voice. Uenoyama allows the music to seep into his heart as the song begins playing in his headphones, the world around him fading into the backgrounds of his mind. 

* * * * *

After lighting his second cigarette, Uenoyama leans back on the metal fence next to the studio and sighs. Itaya isn’t here, Uenoyama thinks, maybe he isn’t going to come today. 

Uenoyama was forced to put an end to guitar practice faster than he usually did. His heart wasn’t into it, and he knows better than to strain himself to produce a sound he knows isn’t going to come out. I should go home, Uenoyama thinks and goes to extinguish his cigarette, I have to do laundry anyway.

„Rikka?” There is a brief pause as a set of footsteps approach him from behind. „Wow, I can’t believe I almost didn’t recognize you.”

Uenoyama whips around and rests his eyes upon a tall, slender girl, with long straight hair. Despite the many months since he last saw her, his sister hasn’t changed in the slightest.

„Hey, Yayoi,” he says, a hint of happiness in his greeting barely noticeable even for those who know him well. „You are a sight for sore eyes.”

„Speak for yourself, you deserter,” she says and goes to punch his shoulder only to throw herself at his chest, exhaling in relief. „It’s so nice to see you.”

„You too,” Uenoyama says, accepting her in his arms. „What are you doing here?”

„Waiting for Take,” she offers and retreats to check her watch. „He had to return some instruments, and we were supposed to meet afterward. But as always, he is taking his sweet time.”

„Take is working here?” Uenoyama asks, glancing at the studio behind him.

„Yeah, he is the producer.”

Uenoyama’s brows furrow, trying to piece together some information. „So... he was the one I was supposed to meet with that day,” he mutters mostly to himself.

„What are you saying, Rikka? Why would you need a producer?”

„For the album,” Uenoyama flinches and replies. „I-I’m launching an album.”

„You can’t be serious!” Yayoi huffs out in both excitement and resentment towards his secrecy. „How come you never said anything?”

„Ah, about that,” he says, rubbing the back of his neck, an apologetic expression on his face. „I was so busy setting everything up; it must’ve slipped my mind.”

„I really hate it when you make it seem like it’s less than it is,” Yayoi crosses her arms on her chest and scrutinizes her brother, causing him to feel like a child again, even if he is taller than her. „This is your life now; you should be more concerned about it. Not to mention, you can’t have your family be the last to know about things that are this important.”

My family, Uenoyama thinks and swallows. After high school, I tried to tell them about my musical aspirations, but they didn’t seem too interested to support me in that regard. Because his family wanted him to go to University. And in a way, that was precisely why he sought to distance himself from them. They don’t understand, Uenoyama thinks tersely, and she doesn’t understand either. Uenoyama then opens his mouth to speak, looking to discourage her rant.

„Oh, Yayoi, you made it,” a smiling Take greets them as he approaches. „Sorry for the wait,” he goes to embrace Yayoi but stops halfway recognizing it might not be the appropriate thing to do when right next to her younger brother. „Ritsuka, I think some apologies are in order towards you as well,” Take then clears his throat and turns to Uenoyama, who suddenly felt very out of place between them. „I haven't had the pleasure to congratulate you yet. So let me be honest and say that I’m extremely excited that you chose to work with us.”

„Thank you for having me,” Uenoyama bows, seeing how professional Take’s attitude is towards him. „I had no idea it was you I was supposed to meet with that day.”

„Oh, you mean for the contract. Yeah, well, you see, I needed to go to this...” Take begins to say but is interrupted by an overly animated Yayoi who grabs him by the arm a bit too abruptly. „Reunion of sorts,” Take clears his throat, focusing his thoughts. „So I, unfortunately, couldn’t make it. And because I didn’t want to postpone the meeting with you either, I sent my assistant. You are quite the sought after artist these days.”

Uenoyama flinches, taken aback by Take’s recognition. He swallows, finding himself at a loss for words.

„Anyway, we should get going,” Take says to Yayoi but then turns to Uenoyama. „Make sure you do your best, and I will catch up with you some other time, yeah?”

Uenoyama nods and bows respectfully once more before lifting his gaze to them.

„Take care, Rikka,” Yayoi says before following Take. Her eyes dart to her brother’s and away again before lowering her gaze and disappearing behind the parking lot fence.

So much for the comfort of familiar faces, Uenyoama thinks critically, lighting another cigarette, no wonder I don’t visit home anymore.

* * * * *

Uenoyama makes his way to his apartment, and it’s not until he passes through the door that he notices how much of a strain the day’s events had on him. Not only was the unexpected encounter with his sister emotionally taxing, but then Take’s hesitant behavior towards him only added to his agitated state. Uenoyama remembers the look in his sister’s eyes just as she left. She seemed worried, he thinks, like she knows something she can’t share with me. 

But regardless of the nature of her worry, Uenoyama chooses to keep it away from his mind. He can’t bear that additional weight on his shoulders; not now, not when he has to prepare to record an album. 

_You are quite the sought after artist these days._

That’s right, Uenoyama thinks, I put in the hours, I worked hard, so I should be more conceited. Recognizing that in a way, he might’ve been reticent to the thought of basking in his success, for the first time, he decides to stand up tall, Itaya’s words also fueling his pride. In his reckless stunt, however, his guitar slips off his shoulder and lands with a loud thud. Uenoyama’s eyes are drawn to it, and then to the trash can it knocked over in its sloppy landing. He then sighs and lowers himself to investigate the damage. While the guitar seems unharmed, everything that was inside the trash can is now scattered on the floor, around his feet: cigarette packages, instant ramen cups, and the book. 

„The summer breeze sweeps the land anew, leaves tremble reluctantly...” Uenoyama utters, the words feeling so foreign in his mouth they send a shiver down his spine. „While I...”

Uenoyama reaches for the book and picks it up carefully as though afraid it might break if handled poorly. His eyes rest upon it as he comes to terms with the regret of wanting to dispose of it. He then places the book in the palm of his hand, and with hesitant movements, he pushes his fingers in between its pages. He swallows, anticipation pulsating in his veins. 

He forces the book open and begins scanning its contents. He reads some verses, rushes through some pages, returns to others, but the more the sees, the more muddled his perception becomes. The poems are difficult to understand; there appears to be no rhyme or reason behind them. And that’s when his mouth turns dry, the sense of dread close to his heart. Because they are not just poems, Uenoyama thinks, this is Mafuyu’s heart in black and white.

Uenoyama’s legs weaken, and he falls on his knees, the book almost slipping between his fingers. I never understood him, and I never took time to talk to him; to actually talk to him, Uenoyama thinks, I’ve no idea what’s going on in his heart. 

Uenoyama clenches his hands around the book and stands up. He can’t keep blaming his younger self for all his shortcomings. Because now, things are different. I might not understand, Uenoyama thinks critically, but there has to be somebody who can help me. I can fix everything I wasn’t able to as a child. 

„Haruki-san,” Uenoyama then jolts himself awake from his daze and instinctively reaches for his phone. He was into literature, Uenoyama thinks, his heart thumping in his chest, maybe if I call him and...

There is a small detail that nearly slips his mind. After their argument in the studio that day, Uenoyama didn’t reach out to them again. While there were a few attempts made by Haruki to contact him, he ignored his emails completely. 

„Damn,” Uenoyama scoffs and clutches onto his phone. The four of us rehearsing in that studio feels like a lifetime ago, Uenoyama thinks as his frustration surfaces. 

In a way, though, his judgment isn’t far off. Because that time, that part of their life, has ended. That time in which they were all together, friends, family, while him and Mafuyu... 

_Some of us actually want to do more than just make music for the rest of our lives._

Uenoyama clicks his tongue. He scrolls through his emails and finds the last one Haruki sent him. A year ago, this past summer. Engulfed by shame and regret, Uenoyama begins typing a message. And once it’s done, he presses the send button without even rereading it. He knows that if he does, he might end up erasing the whole thing. And at this particular moment, he is desperate. Uenoyama needs to understand Mafuyu and fears Haruki might be his last option to settle the pang in his heart once and for all.


	4. Chapter 4

It’s been a week since I sent the email, Uenoyama thinks, checking his phone for the hundredth time that day too. Maybe Haruki-san isn’t going to reply at all. Uenoyama leans back on the fence beside the studio and exhales a cloud of smoke. 

Guitar practice has been a good distraction from his thoughts, as it has always been. But once it is over for the day, his thoughts are quick to surface. At least, the rehearsals have been going better, Uenoyama thinks and brings the cigarette back to his lips.

„Ah, there you are. Ready to go, Uecchi?”

Uenoyama pulls on his guitar bag; it’s straining his shoulder again. Must be the book, Uenoyama thinks vaguely. It’s not like it’s made out of stone, but it adds to the weight of the whole bag. He then goes to massage his arm and grunts irritatedly.

„Ue-no-ya-ma?!” Itaya approaches and tilts his head to catch his gaze. 

„What?” Uenoyama jumps. „Oh,” he follows after spotting his friend’s pout and then how intensely he was pointing to his watch. „Sorry, yeah, I’m ready to go.” 

The two begin walking down the street. Itaya keeps throwing glances at Uenoyama, trying to guess his thoughts but to little avail. While Itaya is fighting to suppress his excitement at the prospects that await them, the same can’t be said about Uenoyama. His eyes might be aimed at the road ahead, but his mind is too far for Itaya ever to reach. 

Itaya promised himself he wasn’t going to say anything so as not to deter his friend from accompanying him that evening, but it is in that moment that he realizes he can’t keep to his word. He inhales and opens his mouth to speak, forcing a calm, friendly tone. „You could've worn a better shirt, you know.”

„What do you mean?” Uenoyama asks and goes to investigate his clothes. „What’s wrong with what I’m wearing?” he then turns and notices how well-groomed and fancily dressed his friend is, with a formal shirt underneath his pullover. „Don’t tell me you went to the hairdresser too,” he scoffs after glancing at his styled hair.

„I had some time to kill before you were done with rehearsals, and...” Itaya goes to scratch his chin, slightly flustered. 

„Oh, so you can also be nervous,” Uenoyama then says, shaking his head in amusement. „Well, that’s new.”

„While I’m somewhat of a perfectionist,” Itaya turns to him and smiles widely, „I guess, yeah, I am a bit nervous too. But that’s only because I want everyone to have a great time.”

„Come now, Shougo, it’s just a...”

Uenoyama’s unable to finish his sentence. His phone is buzzing in his pocket and seizes his attention. He stops in the middle of the road and reflexively reaches for it. 

„Haruki-san,” Uenoyama breathes after checking the notification on its screen.

Uenoyama reads the message but doesn’t catch any of the words. He goes over it once more, but the same thing happens. His heart is thumping loudly, and his hand is shaking, but he knows he can do it if he perseveres. And after his third reading, the message begins to make sense in his mind. 

„Uecchi, seriously,” Itaya cries out after retracing his steps. „I’ve been talking to myself for the past, how many minutes again?” he says, frustration underlining his words. 

„I’m going to need a rain check on that dinner,” Uenoyama blurts out in one breath, his eyes still glued to the phone. „Shougo, I have to go.”

„All of a sudden? Come on, my girlfriend is making her way to the restaurant as we speak,” Itaya pleads. „She is really looking forward to meeting you.”

„There’s somebody I have to meet. I’m sorry, truly, but I’m afraid it can’t be postponed,” Uenoyama swallows.

Itaya scrutinizes him briefly. Recognizing urgency in his tone, he presses. „Anybody I know?”

„Actually, yeah,” Uenoyama adds silently, his demeanor lacking the typical arrogance. „It’s Haruki-san.”

Itaya suppresses a gasp, but his shock is evident. Uenoyama is uncertain what to make of his friend’s expression. In his heart, he understands that despite it not being his intention, he came to disappoint Itaya. He has been planning this dinner for a while now, Uenoyama thinks critically, it means a lot to him.

„I am proud of you, Uecchi,” Itaya brings himself to say after a long moment and closes the distance between them.

„What is there to be proud of?” Uenoyama stutters and raises his eyebrows after Itaya presses a hand on his shoulder.

„Ah, you will understand once you grow up,” Itaya snickers and agrees to accompany Uenoyama to the train station. 

Having reached their destination, Uenoyama makes sure to apologize once more for the last-minute change of plans. Itaya nods pleasantly and wishes him a warm „good luck” before parting ways. He took it way better than I expected, Uenoyama thinks, I hope his girlfriend will understand too.

Uenoyama takes the train a couple of stops in the opposite direction of his house. His commute gives him enough time to accommodate himself with the thought of spending the evening with one of his former bandmates. Coming to terms with his feelings, he makes peace with the fact that he isn’t unnerved, on the contrary. His shaking hands are an indication of anticipation and dare he considers, the excitement of seeing a friend. Hopefully, still a friend, Uenoyama forces a thought and bites his lip. 

Uenoyama then brings his phone up from his pocket to verify the location he needs to reach. His lips curl slightly when the address Haruki mentions begins to resonate with him. It’s close to the studio where we used to have band practice, Uenoyama thinks as he exits the train station and surveys the area to familiarize himself with his surroundings. He probably lives somewhere nearby, or maybe he works in one of these buildings.

„Ah, Ue, over here.”

Uenoyama turns towards the person who called out to him. Despite not having seen or talked to him in years, at no point does he feel awkward to have Haruki’s warm and friendly eyes resting upon him.

„Good evening, Haruki-san,” Uenoyama approaches and bows respectfully before him.

„Stop it, stop it,” Haruki reproaches, getting flustered. „No need to be so formal.” 

„It’s been too long,” Uenoyama follows and rubs the back of his neck.

„It truly has, hasn’t it?” Haruki says and allows his stare to linger on Uenoyama a bit longer than it would typically. „Ah, shall we go in then?” he asks, surfacing from his thoughts. „I was just finishing my cigarette.”

Uenoyama nods, and together, they go inside the grill house. It isn’t too lively, despite the early hours of the evening, but the atmosphere is quite pleasant. Not to mention the enticing smell. Uenoyama grabs onto his stomach when it came alive with a roaring growl as soon as he crosses the threshold. Haruki sniggers and points to a table in the corner. 

„Have you been waiting long?” Uenoyama asks, following Haruki to the table.

„Not at all,” Haruki shakes his head. „To be honest, I didn’t think you’d show on such short notice,” he continues and then turns to Uenoyama, whose body language is so composed, Haruki is having a difficult time reading him.

Uenoyama swallows. He lifts his gaze and nods to Haruki. It’s hard to put into words the amalgam of emotions roaming through his heart in those moments. And so, he decides to postpone his words for the time being, at least until his heart settles.

„So, how have you been?” Haruki asks after they finish placing their orders.

„Good, good,” Uenoyama’s reply seems forced but genuine none the less. „My album is launching early next year.”

„Album? Music album? Ue, honestly?” Haruki’s eyes widen, his excitement getting the better of him. 

„We heard from the producer recently, and yeah, it’s official,” Uenoyama says. „I’ve been so strong-headed about this, keeping silent, refusing to enjoy the moment, but I think now I actually understand what this breakthrough means. For me, for my music, for all those who support me.”

„Wow, I am so proud of you,” Haruki says, noticing the bashful side that, despite the passage of years, is still an integral part of Uenoyama.

Uenoyama nods to hide his disbelief. It is strange to hear that people are proud of him, that they admire his work, and that they support what he does. Maybe that’s why Itaya keeps pushing him to interact with his fans and admirers more often. Anything so that he would come to understand how big of a deal his musical career is. And that his hard work is paying off.

„How about you?” Uenoyama lifts his gaze and glances at Haruki, who is watching him so closely, as though trying to adjust to this grown-up version of the rebel adolescent he was used to seeing rushing through that studio door back when they practiced music together. „How are things?” he follows, unsure where they could start their conversation.

„Good as well,” Haruki says, fiddling with his hair, which much to Uenoyama’s surprise he grew out again. „I’m working as a teacher at my old University, and yeah. It’s quite exciting to think that people look up to me and call me sensei.”

Uenoyama smiles, unable to resist Haruki’s radiant expression. So he moved on from music too, Uenoyama thinks dismally, I’m probably the only one that still plays.

„Oh, and, sorry it took me so long to reply, but I’ve been away,” Haruki resumes suddenly, his cheeks reddening.

Uenoyama flinches. There was an intriguing edge to his voice, which made him think there’s more behind his words than he allowed initially. 

„I mean, not away, but like on a trip,” Haruki presses, hesitation still part of his tone.

Uenoyama focuses his eyes on him. Although curiosity is pulsating in his veins, he recognizes that pressuring Haruki might only come to deter him and so chooses to hold his tongue. 

„With Ahikiho, you see...” Haruki says and places his hands on the table. 

Haruki is rubbing his hands nervously, and Uenoyama is quick to catch the gesture. His eyes widen, however, when he notices a ring adorning his finger. 

„You two are engaged!?” he blurts out a bit too loudly, the restaurant’s few other patrons turning to him, startled just as much as Haruki by his exclamation.

„Ue, Ue, I appreciate the enthusiasm, but keep it down, will you?” Haruki says, gesturing for Uenoyama to sit back down on his chair.

Uenoyama raises both his hands to his mouth and lowers his head apologetically. Haruki giggles, fighting his blushing cheeks. 

„Akihiko proposed last summer, but we were so busy with our jobs we never really found a moment to celebrate. But as soon as we did, we went on away on a trip together,” Haruki says as his lips curl, and he glances at the ring. „Up in the mountains to the hot springs. It was really nice.”

He tries to fight the surreal sensation, but there’s no helping it. Sitting there, in front of Haruki, listening to him speaking so softly, tempts his nostalgia. Uenoyama’s mind is quick to hint back at a time when the four of them would spend most of their time like this, together, sharing stories, enjoying each other’s company without any barriers between them. 

But that was back then. And Uenoyama cannot help but romanticize those times. Because he misses them. Because they were filled with excitement, promise, joy. Real joy. And he was there too, Uenoyama thinks and clenches his hand. He glances away from Haruki, and stares down at the table, feeling his heart about to jump out of his chest.

„Are you ok, Ue?” Haruki utters, reaching out to him.

„Congratulations, Haruki-san,” Uenoyama then says, startling Haruki by his abrupt coming back to life. „Truly, congratulations,” he repeats, his body shivering. „I am happy for you and Kaji-san,” Uenoyama stops with his mouth open, and Haruki retreats. „If there was anybody that would make it, I knew it would be you two.”

„That’s too nice of you to say, Ue, but I can’t take all the glory,” Haruki huffs out a laugh, noticing how flustered Uenoyama got. „Your sister is going strong with Take-chan too. I saw them the other day, and they were talking about moving in together and...” 

Haruki’s words fade after he is met with Uenoyama’s eyes. While there is genuine happiness in them, with the redness of his cheeks confirming it, there is also a dim shadow taking away from their glow. 

„It’s fine; we can talk about all that some other time,” Haruki shakes his head, recognizing the remnants of a broken heart.

„Haruki-san, I owe you a massive apology,” Uenoyama abandons all hesitation and forces himself to speak yet again. „To both you and Kaji-san. While I don’t have the ways to express how sorry I truly am about the way I acted and how I bailed on you back then, please trust me when I say that I will find a way to make it up to you.”

Haruki gasps, Uenoyama’s sincerity and determination almost palpable with that apology. 

„Don’t worry about it,” he then says, fighting his stutter. „Listen to me, Akihiko is the one who holds the grudges, and even he is bad at it. I don’t need anything from you, Ue,” Haruki adds and shares a smile so pleasant with Uenoyama, he could swear his heart misses a beat. „Besides, it’s so nice to see you again; I couldn’t have refused when you reached out to me.”

„Tickets!” Uenoyama jumps and offers a bit too loudly again.

„Tickets?” Haruki repeats, unable to follow Uenoyama’s logic.

„Yes, tickets for my next concert,” Uenoyama says, a bizarre sense of excitement animating him. „It’s too soon to promise a date, but regardless, it would be great if you could come. Both you and Kaji-san, of course.”

„Are you sure you want us to be there?” Haruki asks, a mischievous smile on his face. „I mean, you know we are quite harsh critics, and we _will_ be merciless if you make even the slightest mistake during your performance.” 

„There’s no doubt about it,” Uenoyama says sternly. „It would be an honor to have you there.”

„Count me in, then,” Haruki smiles. „I would love to see where all those years of practice got you, Ue.”

Their food arrives, and they are quick to dig in. Uenoyama can’t bring himself to admit to Haruki, but that was the most delicious dish he had in ages. Appreciating his appetite, Haruki shares that this grill house is the place he and Akihiko usually dine at and that Uenoyama is the only person he ever brought here apart from Akihiko. He makes him promise not to tell him, and Uenoyama agrees to his terms almost instantly. 

„Tell me, Ue, what was it that you wanted to talk to me about?” Haruki then asks after returning from a smoke break and getting comfortable on his chair. „You said in your email that there’s something you want to ask me. About a book, was it?”

„A book, yes,” Uenoyama confirms and turns to search his guitar bag. He carefully takes the book out and puts it on the table.

„Oh, you actually have a book,” Haruki blinks repeatedly. „Sorry, but when I told Akihiko about your email, he was sure that it was a bad excuse to make me talk to you again. Not to mention, the worst way to ask somebody out in history.”

Uenoyama’s lips thin. All the shame he felt before comes back crashing over him like a wave. But he doesn’t regret it. Uenoyama trusts he did the right thing because regardless of the outcome of his meeting with Haruki, he managed to bridge one distance he created at one point in his life.

„So, then, Ue,” Haruki clears his throat and follows, noticing how unresponsive he became. „What is it about the book that you need my help with?”

„Ah, it’s ok,” Uenoyama says and retreats, thinking that he already asked too much of Haruki for one evening. „We can talk about it some other time,” he forces himself to say, feigning a smile.

„Are you sure?” Haruki presses, unable to dismiss the hesitation in his tone.

„Of course,” Uenoyama nods, and his cheeks redden once more.

Haruki humms displeased. He stirs, looking to catch a glimpse of Uenoyama’s eyes, only to stumble upon the same shadow he noticed earlier. 

„No, come on; let me see it,” Haruki takes advance of Uenoyama's haze and grabs the book from over his side of the table. Uenoyama flinches when he sees the book disappearing from under his hands and wants to reach out to retrieve it, but it’s too late.

„Oh my...” Haruki breathes, reading over the title and, most importantly, the name underneath it. „It’s Mafuyu’s book.”

Uenoyama swallows and freezes with his mouth open. His heart sinks as Haruki’s eyes fixate upon him.

* * * * *

Haruki agrees to meet with Uenoyama after his lectures at the university and go over the poems. At least until Uenoyama gets the hang of reading them and then he can decipher the rest on his own.

„It’s not a science, you know. And saying that, I should tell you that while we might be able to get to the bottom of some of these verses, most meanings will always remain hidden to us,” Haruki explains, approaching the desk Uenoyama is sitting at with two bottles of water in his hand.

„What do you mean?” Uenoyama jolts, baffled by the revelation. „Why?”

„Because these poems will always mean something different, something more to Mafuyu. What I can do is teach you how to read between the lines, so that you can get an idea as to what the words entail. And we are in luck because unlike the most poets whose lives are a mystery to us, the general public, we know Maufyu. Some of us better than others,” Haruki winks, causing a cold shiver to traverse Uenoyama’s back.

„His life... is the key?” Uenoyama raises his gaze to meet Haruki’s.

„Precisely,” Haruki nods and sits down beside Uenoyama at the desk. „So, let’s try to read some and accommodate ourselves with his style and see if we can spot some common themes. Keep in mind that the title is sometimes a key to decipher the content.”

They read the first few poems, and while Haruki is quick to get lost in the technical aspects of the poems and the intricate ways in which they reveal a whole different world and various behavioral patterns, Uenoyama is stuck on the musicality of the words, catching Mafuyu’s preference for synesthetic images.

„Could music also be a part of it?”

„Absolutely. That’s why poetry is so beautiful. Everything is alive, but it’s locked in place, like a painting in a frame. The colors, for example, give not only the ambiance but the tone of the entire piece. A warm color could symbolize intensity, youth, sex, while a cold one, fear, hesitation, death,” Haruki is quick to add, his excitement coming to life with each verse read. „The more details are given, the greater the emphasis on a certain theme, idea, sensation, and so on.”

„That’s really complicated, Haruki-san,” Uenoyama says, banging his forehead against the desk. I forgot this was one of the reasons I didn’t do so well in school, Uenoyama thinks wryly, I hate literature.

„No, stop it, not at all,” Haruki is quick to encourage him and pat him on the back. „Listen, it will all make sense once we have a good example in front of our eyes.”

* * * * *

There are days in which they go through a couple of pages of Mafuyu’s poetry book, but there others in which they get stuck on a single poem for what feels like hours. And while some are more complicated than others, Haruki is able to find a theme, a thread that links them together. Uenoyama is none the wiser but stays focused, concentrating all his brainpower on what Haruki is explaining to him. 

Today is not a good day for this, Uenoyama thinks, my shoulder is killing me. And this cold weather is not helping either. He glances outside the window and sees the autumnal clouds gathering, the wind quick to follow and cause the windows to tremble in their pane. 

He exhales as he comes to terms with the reality of his situation. His mind cannot keep up with the verses. And Haruki senses his uneasiness because he pushes the book to the side and offers a break. Uenoyama flinches and is so quick to stand up that he is out of the classroom before Haruki can query him.

„Haruki-san, what you said before about never know the true meaning behind these poems,” Uenoyama speaks after he returns to Haruki’s lecture hall with two cans of coffee. „Was that true? I mean, no matter how hard we study them?”

„That’s right,” Haruki utters, accepting the coffee Uenoyama handed him.

„So then, who can we ask? Who knows how to decipher them properly?” Uenoyama then asks and sits down at the desk beside Haruki.

Haruki exhales. „You know who knows best, Ue,” he offers cautiously.

Uenoyama searches Haruki’s eyes for a while. He flinches once the answer becomes obvious and gazes downward. „But I can’t ask him.”

„And why not?” Haruki crosses his arms on his chest and leans back in his chair, eager to hear his explanation. „You two spent so much time together; you were together at one point, and...”

„We were. But not anymore,” Uenoyama says tersely, his pain coming across a bit too evidently.

„But...” Haruki pushes himself forward to the desk once more, „that doesn’t mean that all is lost, Ue. You’d be surprised to find distance tends to bring people together better than anything else. As contradictory as that sounds.”

„I don’t know, Haruki-san,” Uenoyama bites his lip, struggling to find some comfort in his words. „It’s hard to say right now.”

„Well, it shouldn’t be.”

„Haruki-san, Mafuyu never talked to me about any of the things that bothered him. But then, he goes and writes an entire book about love and loss. And as if that wasn’t complicated enough, he had to make it in riddle form too,” Uenoyama pushes, gritting his teeth. „Poetry, of all things.”

„It was easier to express himself like this. Just like how you express yourself through your music,” Haruki says, opening the book at the first page. „You can’t blame him for trying, and you shouldn’t hate yourself for trying either.”

Uenoyama glances towards the spot Haruki pointed. His heart misses a beat when he sees a handwritten sentence. Mafuyu must’ve written that during the book signing, Uenoyama thinks, I never thought of checking it out before. Uenoyama’s heart is thumping loudly but doesn’t want to pull the book away from Haruki’s hand. He has to force himself to stay put until the lesson is over. The last thing he wants is to show Haruki that he is still clinging onto his childhood recklessness.

„Sometimes, it feels like I’m going in circles,” the words fly off Uenoyama’s lips before he can stop them.

„Ue, you are trying to understand Mafuyu. You are doing more now than you ever did when you were in high school. That must mean something.”

Uenoyama clicks his tongue and goes to brush the back of his head in frustration. Whatever patience he struggled to maintain throughout the lesson, it has all but withered away.

„It’s probably best if I go for today, Haruki-san,” Uenoyama says and gets up from the desk, his body just as weary as his mind.

„Sure, that’s fine. I’ll type to you next time I’ll be available ok? It’s getting a bit busy for me because of the upcoming exam season, but I’ll make time for you,” Haruki smiles and hands him the book.

Uenoyama nods, and after gathering his things, he exits the classroom. Having left Haruki’s side, he pushes himself onto a nearby wall and clutching tightly onto the book, he opens it at the first page. 

„Mafuyu’s hand,” Uenoyama murmurs and drags his fingers over the place where Mafuyu rested his hand when signing it. His skin is alive with prickles, and that’s when his eyes dart to the opposite page. For the first time since he bought the book, he reads the words Mafuyu addressed to him.

_Thank you for not giving up, Ritsuka._

Uenoyama holds his breath as he goes over the message, reading it, rereading it, analyzing it, and every word individually. Just as Haruki taught him to do when faced with a riddle.

Mafuyu thanked him. As confusing as that is in it of itself, he has no idea of the reason behind his words of appreciation. Not to mention that he also chose to call him by his given name. In person, Mafuyu never did that, Uenoyama thinks, taken aback by the gesture. It’s almost as though in writing, he is a whole different person. 

Uenoyama lowers his head, silently admitting defeat once more before Mafuyu. If before he felt close to the edge, this time, he is already one foot over the pit. He feels his head close to imploding. 

There is no way this is the kind of message an author leaves for his fans, Uenoyama thinks. Mafuyu did this on purpose. He did it to stir him, but then again, it is he who accepted the bait. 

Uenoyama exhales, as his body has grown numb. Whenever he feels like he is one step closer to uncovering something about Mafuyu, about his heart’s true nature, something happens, and he ends up right where he began. 

_You are doing more now than you ever did when you were in high school. That must mean something._

I hope you are right, Haruki-san, Uenoyama thinks, because right now, it doesn’t feel like I’m doing anything but chasing my tail. He clutches his fist, and placing the book back in his bag, he forces himself away from the cold bare wall of the university. 

* * * * *

Between guitar practice in the morning, recording sessions for the album through the day, and poetry classes with Haruki in the evening, Itaya is getting frustrated. He can’t seem to be able to catch his friend’s attention anymore.

„I swear I am going to follow you one day,” Itaya leans over to him as they are walking towards the train station one day after a successful recording session.

„Stalker,” Uenoyama snaps, extinguishing his cigarette and glancing up towards his friend. „Why would you do that?”

„All this secrecy is bothering me,” Itaya replies with half a mouth, only then realizing that he sounds more like a jealous girlfriend than a worried friend or a responsible manager.

„There’s no secrecy,” Uenoyama laughs. „I told you I’m meeting Haruki-san.”

„Uecchi, are you laughing?” Itaya says, staring at him with troubled eyes.

Uenoyama brings his hand to his mouth and suppresses his snicker, although traces of his smile persist on his face. „What if I am?”

„Ok, this is really spoking me out. How do you know how to laugh?”

Uenoyama clicks his tongue and lifts his eyes to the world around him. There is live music coming from a nearby bar, and Uenoyama is quickly attracted to it.

„Say, since Haruki-san is busy, maybe you’d want to...” Uenoyama is unable to finish saying his piece, his phone catching his attention. „Ah, hold on a second. Speaking of which, he just sent me an email and...” Uenoyama’s voice fades as he begins reading the email. 

„What is that about?” Itaya approaches him, seeing how he stopped in the middle of the road, eyes focused on the screen of his phone.

„An invitation for a party,” Uenoyama breathes as a shiver traverses his back.

„Explains your dazed reaction,” Itaya jokes. „You were never the party goer, anyway. But I don’t think you should worry. Just do as I do; find the bar, drink, get a bit tipsy, and then making conversation becomes a sinch. Regardless of your interlocutor or the topic at hand. It’s quite fantastic.”

„For Kaji-san's birthday,” Uenoyama follows, reading the email for the third time. He then scrolls through the message, as though looking to find everything there is to it.

„I’m sure my socializing tactic works for birthday parties too,” Itaya says and rubs the back of his neck, trying to think back at a time in which he utilized it in such surroundings. „Yeah, it does work, no doubt about it,” he then grins proudly.

„Haruki-san invited me. He’s expecting an RSVP,” Uenoyama follows, disregarding pretty much everything Itaya has been sharing with him. 

Itaya hums, unsure of how to explain Uenoyama’s hesitant reaction. „When is it?”

„This weekend,” the replies fly off of his lips.

„Well, I don’t see the problem; you should be able to go,” Itaya says, going through their schedule in his mind. „I mean, apart from your regular guitar practice and the recording sessions, I made sure there are no concerts or on stage appearances until the album is finalized. So yeah, it should be fine,” he adds, trying to spur him on, only to be met with Uenoyama’s spaced-out expression. „What I mean to say is, Uecchi, you should go.” 

Uenoyama looks up at him, a faint cry for help hidden in the depts of his dark blue eyes. He is hesitating again, unable to find his words.

„What’s with the face?” Itaya asks, his friend’s defensiveness coming to startle him.

„Mafuyu is invited too,” Uenoyama finds the strength to say after noticing the other addresses the email was sent to. „And he already accepted the invitation.”


	5. Chapter 5

Uenoyama arrives late at his apartment that evening. There are no rehearsals tomorrow, or for the entire weekend so he has a lot of free time on his hands. I sort of forgot what that entails, Uenoyama thinks irritably, opening a can of beer and stepping outside the balcony. It’s Itaya’s fault, he cleared up my schedule despite recording sessions having started; I don’t know what he is thinking anymore.

_What I mean to say is, Uecchi, you should go._

„Of course,” Uenoyama grunts and reaches for the lighter, a cigarette hanging from his lips. It’s easy for him to say to go to Kaji-san’s birthday party but then again...

Uenoyama stops cold in his meditation. Then again... what, he wonders. Mafuyu will be there, that much is for sure, but that is precisely what he wants. There might’ve been a lot of things that Uenoyama is pendulating between in his life, but when it comes to music, the picture is rather clear. And the same can be said about Mafuyu.

The can of beer is half-empty, still cold in Uenoyama’s hands. It’s not like him to be drinking alone at his apartment, but he is desperate for some comfort. And what better succor during uncertain times than the pleasant haze alcohol provides. 

In a way, Uenoyama is dying to attend the party. Seeing Haruki brought his smile back, and he wouldn’t mind spending more time in his company. The thought of meeting Akihiko still sends shivers down his spine, but that’s only because he feels guilty, although he is confident a sincere apology can appease his former bandmate. And to see Mafuyu again has been a craving so deeply etched in his heart, there’s little he can do to stop it from surfacing. But the reason he keeps avoiding RSVP-ing _is_ also because of Mafuyu. 

He tilts his head forward, hiding his frown in the can of beer. What if Mafuyu brings his boyfriend, Uenoyama thinks and clicks his tongue, now almost a reflex whenever the thought appears in his mind. 

„I don’t know how I’ll handle that,” Uenoyama sighs and exhales a cloud of smoke. It’s frustrating, but if that means I get to see him again, maybe...maybe I can endure. I wasn’t able to make him happy; that’s why he pushed me away. And possibly up to a point, I deserved his rejection.

That fateful day’s events are now playing in Uenoyama’s mind. He is at school, making his way to the staircase well behind the gym, their usual meeting place. Mafuyu asked him to come there after classes, and Uenoyama was quick to show up. 

Uenoyama distinctly remembers how excited he was that day. How excited he allowed himself to be. Because he knew Mafuyu made up his mind. Because he thought he was going to confirm his desire to debut with Given. 

He made up his mind all right, Uenoyama thinks critically and opens another can of beer. He decided that music wasn’t something he wanted. And to make matters even more exciting...

_We should stop seeing each other._

Is what Mafuyu said, the only thing he said, Uenoyama thinks. „Double dumped,” Uenoyama drinks from his beer, a bit too thirsty, as though trying to drown the sound of Mafuyu’s voice echoing in his mind. Mafuyu never returned to that spot, Uenoyma’s thoughts keep rushing, he stopped looking for me. He did everything he could to avoid me. 

„But then again,” Uenoyama murmurs, lowering his head, ash falling from his cigarette and drifting away in the brisk autumnal wind, „so did I.” I was so hurt, and up to a point I don’t even remember showing up for classes or studying for my exams, Uenoyama thinks, it’s all a haze. „Damn it,” he then sighs and takes another long drink of his beer, „how are you still in my mind after all these years?”

Uenoyama rubs his eyes and turns to grab another beer from the convenience store bag behind him. He flinches when he spots Mafuyu’s book resting right beside it. Uenoyama exhales, surprised at the recent habits he’s developed. He has been carrying the book diligently every day, although having not met with Haruki ever since he discovered Mafuyu’s handwritten dedication. 

Haruki-san has been busy with lectures and exams, and I with music, Uenoyama thinks, or at least that’s what I told him. And he believed me. He was so eager to help me, but I fear I might end up disappointing him again if I take more of his time and then have nothing to show for it.

Uenoyama lowers his eyes and clutches onto the balcony railing. The only reason I reached out to Haruki-san was because of Mafuyu, Uenoyama thinks and lifts his eyes, the night’s cold chill invading his bones. In a way, even if Mafuyu’s the reason I ended our friendship, he is the one bringing us together again and this...this party might seal the deal.

Uenoyama leans forward and picks up the book from the balcony floor. He steps inside the apartment, a different energy to him, and almost immediately goes looking for his phone.

* * * * *

Uenoyama is on the train on his way to Akihiko’s birthday party. Haruki was kind enough to share the address of the party with him after he agreed to come, and much to Uenoyama’s surprise, they are living together. At Haruki-san’s apartment, Uenoyama thinks, recognizing the address since he was the before. 

A long time ago. 

Mafuyu and I went to him to ask him permission to start dating, Uenoyama thinks, and his chest tightens, little did I know where all that would take us in the end.

He sighs, forcing himself to abandon that rush of melancholy he felt nipping at his heart. Things are right for Haruki-san and Kaji-san, Uenoyma refocuses his thoughts. I don’t know much about what they went through, but regardless of that, they made it work somehow. 

Uenoyama can see his tame smile reflected in the window as the train rises to the surface from the underground tunnel. But that’s not his genuine smile. Because there’s still a hint of sorrow lining it. 

The train announcement echoes in his ears and Uenoyama finds that his stop is approaching. He stiffens, his nerves finally getting to him. 

Uenoyama then takes in a deep breath, remembering one of the five conversations he had with Itaya that day on the phone. After he informed his friend that he would be attending the party, Itaya assaulted his phone with both calls and text messages. 

He probably wrote to me just as things came in his mind, Uenoyama thinks irritably. While the reason behind those calls was to give me advice, I could’ve done without some of them. 

_Stand up straight, speak when spoken to, don’t space out, don’t run outside. Talk about the things you like, steer clear of the things you don’t. Don’t glare, don’t stare, don’t ogle. Leave your arrogance at the door, also your snappiness, and that thing you do with your face. When you can’t be asked to deal with people and dismiss them with a look. You know what I’m talking about. Oh, and whatever you do, keep in mind that you are there to have fun. So feel free to do that._

Itaya really thinks I’m hopeless, Uenoyama thinks, the realization striking him profoundly, like I’m some sort of socializing rookie. He then shakes his head, dismissing his thoughts, although, at the same time, he can feel his heart filling with joy, his friend’s care honestly a blessing.

Due to Itaya’s persistence, Uenoyama made sure to buy the most expensive cake in the bakery as well as some fancy bottles of wine before heading out that day. They are somewhat heavy in his hand, but he is determined to deliver them in one piece. Uenoyama is so careful when walking that by the time he arrives at the block entrance, he is as exhausted as though he had just finished running a marathon, faint traces of sweat emerging at the back of his neck.

Then again, it could also be the nerves, a fact evident through his shaky knees. Uenoyama never considered he’d come to miss his former bandmates until he got to sit down and talk to Haruki again. And now, having them back in his life is an intriguing concept. I was foolish to think I had to distance myself from them, Uenoyama thinks as he is climbing the stairs to Haruki’s apartment, but maybe...

_You’d be surprised to find distance tends to bring people together better than anything else._

Uenoyama reaches for the doorbell before he can collect himself. His thoughts are roaming violently in his mind, and it’s not until he hears somebody fiddling with the lock that they give him peace. 

The door opens, and behind it, a tall Akihiko appears. His broad smile fades almost instantly as their gazes meet. Uenoyama can tell he is not pleased with who he sees, though he can’t blame him. 

Uenoyama swallows and biting his lip, he bows before him. „Good evening, Kaji-san. Haruki-san invited me. And I wanted to say that I’m sorry; I truly am. If there was a way to go back and...”

Uenoyama flinches when he feels Akihiko’s hand on his shoulder. With that sudden pressure applied to his weary body, he’s unable to finish his sentence.

„Stop being such a dork. I’d rather you wish me happy birthday than start this reunion with an apology. Besides, by the looks of things, that’s why you are here.”

His tone is cheerful, despite the seriousness of his deep voice. Uenoyama lifts his eyes at him and nods, hesitation still yet to dissipate. Akihiko steps to the side and invites his guest inside the apartment and closes the door behind him.

„Ah, Akihiko, can you please... Ue!” Haruki jumps and rushes to Uenoyama as soon as he sees him in the doorway. „See, Akihiko, I told you he wouldn’t bail!”

„Thank you for inviting me, Haruki-san,” Uenoyama says, every word stiff with forced composure. „It’s nice to...I’m rather...”

Haruki and Akihiko swap expressions briefly, before turning to Uenoyama. Akihiko crosses his arms, his relentless gaze not giving Uenoyama even a hint of a break. It’s hard to get a good read on them, and that unnerves him. Uenoyama’s eyes are moving between the two, anxiously waiting for a sign of approval from either of them before continuing.

„Happy birthday, Kaji-san,” Uenoyama then remembers, and bows quickly after handing him the things he bought. „I’m grateful to be here tonight.”

Akihiko smiles and pushes his hand forward. Uenoyama’s gaze suddenly refocuses on it, and he stands up straight. He reaches out, and they shake hands, Uenoyama’s heart quick to tremble. 

„Glad you could make it, Ue,” Haruki says and smiles pleasantly before turning and heading towards the living room.

„Come on, there are a lot of people that would like to greet you and talk to you,” Akihiko says, the words striking an acute feeling of deja vu in Uenoyama. 

Akihiko slides his hand on his back and pushes Uenoyama inside the living room, where he is met with a fascinating sight. Among many of Haruki and Akihiko’s friends and coworkers, his sister is lounging a bit too comfortably on the couch.

Yayoi is surrounded by people who, just like her, are having fun, drinking, and laughing, entertaining each other with various discussion topics. Uenoyama notices that Yayoi is feeling right at home in his former bandmate’s apartment, a presumption which is confirmed when she nearly jumps out of her skin when she spots her brother approaching. 

„Rikka, what are you doing here?” she stutters, still recovering from her shock.

„Cut the kid some slack, Yayoi,” Akihiko interjects, noticing how flustered Uenoyama got when under the pairs of eyes that darted at him. „It wouldn’t have been much of a party without him, anyway,” he winks playfully, relaxed and in good spirits, and for some reason unexplainable for Uenoyama, incredibly welcoming. 

Akihiko is in many ways the same as he remembers him, although there are moments, just like that one, in which Uenoyama could swear something is different. Akihiko seems calmer and a lot more patient, forgiving perhaps. Uenoyama is caught staring at him for a long time even after he leaves their side to help Haruki prepare some drinks, still trying to get accustomed to this version of Akihiko.

„And then, because this guy here forgot to pick up his guitar from the hallway,” Yayoi says and pushes her hand toward her brother, making him flinch slightly, „I was this close to stumbling and falling face first. Can you imagine? What if I ended up breaking my neck on the day of my thesis presentation?”

Her friends are carefully listening to her stories, holding onto their stomachs, tears of joy adorning their eyes, while she is relentless in her stories involving her clumsy little brother. Uenoyama fights his reddening cheeks at first but gives up after a while. He notices how much fun everyone is having and can see that Yayoi is not trying to embarrass him. On the contrary, she wants to include him in the conversation, to show him that his presence is appreciated and that he can be a part of their circles of friends if only he is willing to join in. 

Uenoyama’s shoulders relax, and winning over his hesitation, he opens his mouth to speak. „Hey, Yayoi, what about that time when...” Uenoyama tries to say, but he cannot shake the feeling that those around him suddenly got distracted. They are not looking at him but through him. No, that’s not it, Uenoyama forces a thought, behind me. 

Uenoyama then turns around, following their line of sight. He is now intrigued to try and determine the reason behind their distracted gazes. His eyebrows shoot upward as he is met with the sight of the latest guest that Akihiko greets and invites into the apartment.

„Good evening,” the guest chirps, and Uenoyama senses his blood turning cold. 

„Mafuyu-chan!” Haruki goes to embrace him when he sees him making his way from over the hallway and into the living room. „It’s so good to see you again.”

Maufyu is smiling, quick to return Haruki’s welcoming embrace. They seem so close, Uenoyama thinks, unable to bring himself to break his stare. While everyone else around him is slowly resuming with their stories and gossip to notice, his sister catches the change in her brother’s drive. 

Uenoyama forces his mouth open, and Yayoi expects that he might say something at any moment. Although it seems like he is trying to speak or to scream or yell, nothing happens. He is just frozen, his eyes fixated, unblinking, unmoving, pale as though having seen a ghost.

Uenoyama then jolts. Somebody is bumping his foot from under the table, and coming back to reality, he redirects his attention to the perpetrator. 

„Don’t be rude, Rikka,” Yayoi says under her breath. „Go and get me a drink, why don’t you?”

She speaks too quickly for him to understand her words, or rather her real intention. But after taking a deep breath of air, Uenoyama stands up from the couch. He is clumsily making his way past the other guests gathered around the living room, turning to his sister every now and against, wondering what she was thinking to send him away so abruptly. He is moving away, but his gaze remains on her. 

Unable to understand her aggrieved facial expressions, he then turns towards the counter where the drinks are. Instead of the bottles of alcohol, however, he meets Mafuyu’s pleasant eyes.

„Well, isn’t this just perfect! Mafuyu, Ue can show you around; he knows where everything is by now. I hope you will have fun and thank you again for coming,” Haruki cheers and turns towards the couch where Uenoyama was sitting moments ago.

Haruki is gone before Uenoyama can protest. He stirs, realizing he is left all alone with a bewildered Mafuyu beside him. He tries to hide his flustered gaze from Mafuyu, but not wanting to be rude, Uenoyama chooses to speak. „It’s nice to see you.”

„You too, Uenoyama-kun,” Mafuyu smiles, his voice so melodious it sends shivers throughout his entire body. „Have you been here for long?”

„I got here a bit ago and who would have thought,” Uenoyama says and goes to rub the back of his neck, „that my sister would be the heart of the party.” He huffs out a laugh as he watches Haruki getting comfortable next to his sister on the couch.

Mafuyu hums in agreement, the sight catching his attention as well. 

After doing a quick survey of the area around them, to ensure that nobody else came with Mafuyu, Uenoyama’s eyes stop on the bar beside him. „Do you want anything to drink?” he asks impulsively. 

Mafuyu is reluctant to give a reply, and after spotting his hesitation, Uenoyama winces. „No, I mean, I know you don’t want to drink. But maybe there’s some water. Or juice,” he offers apologetically, remembering Mafuyu’s distaste for it.

„Some wine would be great,” Mafuyu then says, and Uenoyama repeatedly blinks, struggling to process his statement.

„Oh, of-of course,” Uenoyama offers and jumps from beside Mafuyu. "Here, let me." 

Uenoyama approaches the counter and bites his tongue, struggling to still his shaking hands. He can’t believe what he is about to do, but at the same time, his thumping heart is proof that he is both nervous and excited. 

The Mafuyu I used to know would never touch alcohol, Uenoyama thinks critically. But this is not the same Mafuyu from my memories. And with that, Uenoyama becomes eager to learn more. Because for him, Mafuyu has always been the only one who could terrify and intrigue him to the point of imploding. 

Beautiful, perfect Mafuyu. The same rebel hair, the same depth to his pleasant expression. At least some things aren’t so fast to change, Uenoyama thinks and lifts his eyes to sneak a glance at the person in front of him. 

But Mafuyu is watching him; he has been watching him that entire time, and their eyes met for a moment. Mafuyu’s eyes, and what a sight for Uenoyama. His heart is about to burst through his chest when he stumbles upon the same innocence and warmth he was expecting, and up to a point, yearning to experience once more. 

Uenoyama lowers his gaze to the glass of wine. I wish that lasted for an eternity longer, he thinks and fastens the cap back on the wine bottle. He fills a glass of whiskey for himself and, with both drinks in hand, retraces his steps. 

Uenoyama brings the glass closer to Mafuyu as he takes his drink to his lips. It’s terrifying to notice how close they are to each other. Terrifying and yet, incredibly exhilarating. Mafuyu reaches out and accepts the glass from Uenoyama, showing his appreciation with a nod. 

„It’s nice to be here. Everyone finally together, I mean,” he then speaks, leaning on the counter behind him. „Don’t you think, Uenoyama-kun?”

Uenoyama turns to him and nods slowly. „It is. I never thought we’d be able to meet like this again.”

„Why is that?” Mafuyu tilts his head toward Uenoyama and asks.

„Because of everything that happened. I mean, after we...” Uenoyama stumbles, and takes another drink of his whiskey, after which he rethinks his statement. „I had a fallout with the guys.”

He aims the corner of his eye to Mafuyu, and his brows furrowing slightly, astonished by the reaction his moment of honesty caused in the red-head. „What are you sniggling about?”

„It seems Haruki-san was right. He did say that without me, there was nobody to keep you under control,” Mafuyu says softly and turns to meet Uenoyama’s eyes.

„Haruki-san said that?” Uenoyama jolts, surprise flying over his face. „When?”

„At their engagement party.”

„They threw a party?”

„Yeah. At the bar where Kaji-san works. There weren’t as many people invited, but your sister attended, and her boyfriend too,” Mafuyu says, tapping gently on his chin, trying to recall the event.

„And you, um, you were there too, right?” Uenoyama pushes, although the answer is obvious.

Mafuyu nods. „Yes.”

Uenoyama’s grip tightens around the glass of whiskey. He doesn’t understand why he feels so disheartened by what Mafuyu revealed to him, but in a way, he forces himself to think through his predicament. I wasn’t in good relations with them, Uenoyama thinks. They chose to invite only those who they knew would encourage their happiness and not those who came to hinder it. He swallows, remorse still burning in his heart.

„I was expecting to see you there too, Uenoyama-kun,” Mafuyu then adds, quick to blush. „But, I just assumed you were busy with your music.”

„Ye-yeah, that’s right,” Uenoyama offers, fighting the sinking feeling inside his chest, taking another gulp of his drink, „I was busy making music.” 

There are too many feelings inside of him, and yet despite his increasing desire to excuse himself and call it a night, Uenoyama doesn’t. There’s no point; running away only did him harm. And it’s in those moments he comes to understand that which he’s been avoiding to acknowledge. That all the anger stirring his heart was never directed at anybody in particular. Just himself. For all his shortcomings, for his hesitation, for his ignorance. Uenoyama's eyes widen as the thumping in his head begin to challenge his composure. 

„Ue, balcony.” 

Akihiko appears before Uenoyama and says tersely, gesturing for him to follow after handing him a cigarette. 

Uenoyama accepts the cigarette from his hands, and as though yanked forward by an invisible force, he leaves Mafuyu’s side. 

„How did you know I smoked?” he asks as soon as Akihiko closes the balcony door behind him. „Thank you for the save, by the way.” 

„I didn’t,” Akihiko lifts an eyebrow at him. „And yeah, don’t mention it. You looked like you were this close to exploding. What’s wrong with you?”

„I’m an idiot,” Uenoyama says in one breath.

Akihiko gives him a cold, long look. „Yeah, tell me something I don’t know.”

„No, Kaji-san, I mean it, I really am an idiot,” Uenoyama shakes his head and goes to rub his temple with the butts of his fingers. „I had so many great things around me, and then I went and ruined everything.”

„What are you talking about?” Akihiko asks with half a mouth, struggling to light his cigarette. „You didn't ruin anything.”

Uenoyama lifts his head, his friend’s statement unexpectedly sincere. While Uenoyama doesn’t even have the power to bring the cigarette to his lips, Akihiko is smoking peacefully beside him, expression still stern. 

„Our music, our band, our future, our friendship, and...” Uenoyama presses, whipping around and searching the crowd until his eyes stop on the red-haired guy with the ponytail. „With Mafuyu... I really messed it up, Kaji-san.”

Akihiko brings the lighter close to Uenoyama and lights his cigarette. Uenoyama frowns briefly but doesn’t refuse the gesture. Akihiko is watching Uenoyama closely as he approaches the balcony rails and begins to smoke beside him. 

„He moved on,” Uenoyama continues in a low voice, exhaling a cloud of smoke. „And I know I should too, but look at me. I’m just stuck.”

„This is the first time you guys see each other in how long?” Akihiko asks.

„Not the first, I stumbled upon him by accident in a restaurant,” the reply is plucked reluctantly from Uenoyama’s lips. „But to answer your question, too long.”

„Yeah, I thought as much. In a way, just so you know, you owe this whole thing to Haruki,” he then says and catches Uenoyama’s eyes widening. „It was his sneaky idea to bring you two together.”

Uenoyama huffs and shakes his head to hide his disbelief. „It’s fine; I know I wasn’t invited to the engagement party.”

Akihiko retreats slightly. „Ah, about that. That was my doing. I’m the one with the grudges.”

„So I heard,” Uenoyama says and returns to the balcony rails. „Congratulations, by the way, Kaji-san. You and Haruki-san are great together, and I’m glad you two are happy.”

Uenoyama’s lips curl and acknowledging the sincerity in his tone, Akihiko nods. Uenoyama takes a deep breath, rubbing the back of his neck as though looking to relieve some of the tension stored there. The cigarette is helping a lot, Uenoyama thinks, bringing it back to his lips. I hope Kaji-san isn’t angry about my outburst from before.

„Mafuyu did come with somebody then, you know,” Akihiko says after a long moment and glances slyly at Uenoyama.

„Yeah, that much I figured... a guy with curly hair I bet,” Uenoyama rolls his eyes, the image of the other man perfectly etched in his memory as though a curse.

Akihiko nods, confirming his suspicions. „So, you met his agent,” he then says and presses a hand to Uenoyama’s shoulder.

„Slash boyfriend,” Uenoyama speaks reluctantly.

„I don’t know anything about that,” Akihiko clicks his tongue, quick to dismiss Uenoyama’s presumption. „But hey, since you so diligently claimed you are still trapped in the past, you should use it a sobering lesson. How does doing your best instead of repeating the mistakes you made back then sound?”

„What-what do you mean?” Uenoyama swallows, looking to end his stutter.

„Talk to him, Uenoyama. You owe it to yourself if nothing else,” Akihiko replies, his eyes sharp as his tone. „All that bottled up anger is going to ruin you if you don’t deal with it.”

Uenoyama’s lips thin. The anger he only recently took notice of is evident to those around him. Itaya spotted it, and now Akihiko drew attention to it too. The anger that he didn’t do anything. That he didn’t fight, that he just accepted things and allowed those dear to him to distance themselves from him. As though a bystander to my own life, Uenoyama thinks, extinguishing his cigarette, a long trail of smoke rising from its smothered tip.

„Listen, I know love is complicated. But once you find it, you must fight for it. Otherwise, it’s just lust,” Akihiko explains tersely and goes to put out his cigarette as well. „And why would anybody want to be caught up in something like that? There are apps out there that help you out if you are after lust. But love, well, I should know,” he adds and turns around only to spot Haruki about to open the balcony door.

„Oh, you two must be freezing out here,” Haruki gasps after poking his head outside. „Come on, let’s have some cake.”

„You heard him, Ue,” Akihiko says and smiles at his fiancé so superbly that Haruki’s cheeks redden. 

Uenoyama nods and follows Akihiko back inside the apartment. And just as they cross the threshold, the guests begin to sing happy birthday to his former bandmate. Everybody is cheering and clapping, and Take even opens up a bottle of champaign in his honor. 

Haruki brings over the cake and asks Akihiko to make a wish before they can chow down. Akihiko takes a moment and stares at the cake in front of him. He then huffs, throwing a long pensive glance at Haruki and shakes his head.

„I have everything I need right here,” Akihiko says and puts an arm over Haruki’s shoulders, pulling him close, „no additional wishes needed.” Haruki feels his ears on fire and is quick to hide his flustered face behind in Akihiko's chest. He got so nervous that Akihiko reaches out to hold the cake for him, of fear it might slip from his shaking hands. 

Mafuyu is quick to offer to help, and he goes with together with Haruki to the kitchen, where they begin cutting some slices for everybody. 

Uenoyama retreats over to the couch and takes a seat, choosing to enjoy the moment, watching those dearest to his heart share smiles and spreading around glasses of champaign. His sister shortly joins him on the couch, sitting down beside him with a proud air around her. 

„Thank you for earlier,” he says warmly, finally understanding her push. 

Yayoi lifts her eyes to him and goes to rub his arm with her hand. Words that she would like to share with him are hanging from her lips, but that is not the time nor the place. So a nod will have so suffice for the time being. And a broad and sincere smile to encourage her little brother.

„So downtown for a pub crawl, yeah? We will start in the Old Town and move our way up,” Take announces for all the guests, and they are quick to cheer, thrilled that the party is far from over. 

Haruki turns to Akihiko, understanding that this must’ve been one of his last-minute ideas. He seems to disapprove, but Akihiko smiles and pats him on the back, and goes to whisper something in his ear. Haruki blushes as Akihiko retreats, his smug smile quick to appear. 

„We are ready to go,” Yayoi informs her boyfriend, grabbing Uenoyama by the arm and drags him to the door. Uenoyama follows her without protest, even if his eyes are preoccupied surveying the area, looking to spot the person he lost track of a while ago. 

It’s not until Uenoyama is almost fully dressed up that he sees Mafuyu coming out one of the adjacent rooms. He looks unwell, or rather, unnerved, staring at his phone before placing it reluctantly back in his pocket. Uenoyama’s brows furrow slightly, and he glances away, looking to hide his inquisitive tendencies from those around him.

„Just tell Haruki to call me, and I can tell you where we are. That way, you two can catch up to us, and we can have a few more drinks together,” Take barely gets to say before Akihiko pushes him out the door and locks it behind him without actually giving a reply. „Well, that was weird,” Take then shrugs and whips around, a bewildered expression on his face.

„Kaji-san is thirsty,” Mafuyu says tersely, from the comfort of his long scarf, which was carefully wrapped around his neck and mouth, causing everybody to turn to him.

They all take a long moment to process Mafuyu’s words. And once they come to terms with what he implied, Akihiko and Haruki’s former guests begin to rush down the stairs, looking to get as far away from their apartment and as quickly as possible—not wanting to disturb their time alone if nothing else.

* * * * *

For a long time, Uenoyama walks beside his sister, listening to her as she talks about her recent endeavors, her plans for the future, and the fact that she has finished her make-up artist courses and is looking to get a job in the area.

„Are you and Take going to move in together?” Uenoyama then asks, and his sister is quick to blush.

„So you heard about that,” she stutters. „Yeah, we have been talking about that for sure, but I haven’t told mom. I think she will not take it too lightly.”

Uenoyama winces, that type of rejection all too familiar for him. „I’m sure they will give you a break, you are their favorite.”

„It’s not about that, Rikka,” she shakes her head, steam clouds escaping her mouth after each word uttered. „You leaving the house so abruptly made them somewhat more possessive. As though they are trying to hold onto me for as long as possible. They fear I might disappear from their lives just like you did,” Yayoi adds but takes a long moment before continuing. „Going from two kids to an empty house in such a short burst of time will break their hearts, and I don’t want to do that to them.”

Uenoyama lowers his head. He understands that what he did was selfish and ignorant towards the feelings of his family, but he didn’t see any other option. At the time, it felt like the right thing to do, considering they were so quick to dismiss his wishes to pursue a career in music.

_How does doing your best instead of repeating the mistakes you made back then sound?_

„I will try to visit sometime next week,” Uenoyama says and goes to rub his forehead. „Maybe we can have dinner together. I’m sure that will calm them down. Even if only slightly.”

„Would you really?” Yayoi jumps, a bright glow in her eyes. „Oh, Rikka, that is fantastic! They will be so happy! Let me text mom right away.” 

It might’ve not been an easy decision to make, but if it’s going to help his sister towards her moving out of her childhood home and in with her boyfriend, then that is the least he can do. For her, if not for myself, Uenoyama thinks, I will do it.

Take appears from somewhere behind them and makes his way between the two siblings. For some reason, Uenoyama is sure that he got jealous because Take is quick to grab Yayoi’s hand, moving close to her as though looking to make up for the half-hour they spent apart.

Feeling that he might be intruding, Uenoyama falls behind, allowing them to continue their conversation about something that passed by his ears entirely.

Uenoyama is walking alone on the street, the brisk night wind ruffling his hair. Seeing how nicely everything turned out helped him settle his heart. In a way, he’s looking forward to reaching a bar and getting something to drink. In times of doubt, just follow Itaya’s plan, Uenoyama thinks and goes to check his phone.

„Uenoyama-kun.”

Uenoyama’s eyebrows shoot upward, and he whips around only to spot a lively Mafuyu doing his best to catch up to him. I was sure he went home, Uenoyama thinks critically, it’s not like him to want to go out. Ah, of course, he isn’t the child from back then; he is a grown-up, and now, he drinks too. 

„You are up for going to the pub crawl?” Uenoyama then asks, letting his phone slip back into his pocket.

„Yes, I would like to spend more time with everybody,” he offers and smiles. „And we had barely any time to catch up.”

Uenoyama bites his lips, swallowing a gasp. He doesn’t know how to respond to that, so he chooses to nod a couple of times and say nothing. They walk side by side down the street, following at a safe distance from Take and Yayoi and a few other of Haruki’s friends.

„These past few weeks have been busy for me, with the book signings and all,” Mafuyu speaks after a momentary silence. „I had no idea even authors can have so many fans.”

„Ah, right. How’s that going?” Uenoyama asks, his voice adopting a relieved tone. „The book, I mean.”

„It’s good but demanding. There are talks about going to promote it to other major cities in the country.”

Uenoyama cannot help but smile. „You shouldn’t say no to that. Do your best to share your work with the world.” He is so diligent, Uenoyama thinks and throws Mafuyu a sly glance. If he only knew the headache his book gave me.

„It’s a bit strange, you know?” 

The sound of Mafuyu’s distinctive soft voice brings Uenoyama out of his thoughts. He then hums inquisitively, encouraging Mafuyu to continue speaking.

„That everything we did while we were apart led us to this moment,” Mafuyu says and gazes up at the dark sky above him, his eyes glowing even in the faint light of the street lamps. „I’m glad we met again, Uenoyama-kun.” 

Uenoyama’s breath escapes through his shivering lips, and caught in the moment, he parts them and asks, „Do you want to get some beers at some point?”

Mafuyu lowers his gaze, looking at Uenoyama with surprise. „Aren’t you busy with your music?”

„I’m sure I’ll find a moment,” he replies and tilts his head slightly, more to hide his pride towards his bravery than anything else.

„Yes, that sounds great,” Mafuyu says, fidgeting in excitement. „But don’t imagine that I am a heavy drinker or anything like that.”

„No, no, not at all. Just a beer,” he reassures him, noticing his blushing cheeks. „And maybe some food.”

„Oh, this is starting to sound like a date,” Mafuyu laughs softly.

„No! Of course, not,” Uenoyama is quick to interject, and he startles Mafuyu. „I mean, nothing like that.” He rubs the back of his neck, his reaction a bit too exaggerated, but his emotions were quick to surface. „Hey, listen. Um, if you want, you can bring your boyfriend too. It’s fine, I mean we can talk and...”

„Boyfriend?” Mafuyu repeats and stops in the middle of the road.

Uenoyama turns to him, taken aback by the confused look on his face. „Yeah, the guy you were with back at the book signing. And at the engagement party.”

Mafuyu’s lips thin, and grabs the edge of his scarf, pulling it over his mouth as though looking to hide from Uenoyama’s intense gaze. „Uenoyama-kun, he isn’t my boyfriend.”

„What-what did you say?” He asks, almost unable to hear his words due to the thumping of his heart.

„I haven’t had a boyfriend since you,” Mafuyu lifts his eyes to him and says with such a terrifying honesty it comes to pierce through Uenoyama's chest, rendering him breathless.


	6. Chapter 6

„Hey, you two!” Yayoi waves at Uenoyama and Mafuyu, who have fallen behind the group. „We will start with this bar. Take is messaging Haruki and Akihiko, but don’t expect them to show up any time soon.”

The message goes past Uenoyama ears, his sister’s words lost in the early night’s breeze. He is unflinching, too stunned to make sense of his thoughts, let alone of his surroundings. Mafuyu, however, is quick to nod and smile at her, and she heads inside. And after a long moment, he turns the smile towards Uenoyama.

„Should we join them then?” 

Uenoyama sees Mafuyu’s lips move, a mellow question flitting off of them. This is all too abrupt, Uenoyama thinks vaguely, struggling to level his shock. For months, his presumptions have been keeping him in place, anchoring him in the past and distracting him from the present. Sleepless night, troubling nightmares, failed rehearsals, and recording sessions, the memories still weighing heavily on him. 

But all it took to have them eliminated was a single phrase—a couple of words uttered by the right person, at that right time.

_Everything we did while we were apart led us to this moment._

That’s right, Uenoyama thinks, so maybe...maybe there’s still a chance. He lifts his eyes at Mafuyu, his face flushed with a pleasant glow. 

„Yeah, let’s go,” Uenoyama finally says and returns Mafuyu’s heartfelt smile. 

They begin walking, Uenoyama fidgeting nervously, stirring, a thousand thoughts and sensations crashing over him like a wave. He can feel Mafuyu’s presence beside him. He catches his scent lingering in the air behind him, and whenever he gets too close to Mafuyu, either to open the door or pass through the bar’s narrow entrance corridor, his skin prickles in delight. The sudden rush of euphoria is making Uenoyama’s heart thump and while he recognizes he might be at his patience’s limits, he remains composed. 

Just being near him is enough for me, Uenoyama thinks and takes a deep breath, because, for the longest time, I couldn’t. And now, I don’t want to miss a moment of it.

Mafuyu is clumsy as he is making his way through the crowded bar, and Uenoyama is quick to observe. He intervenes and helps him out, shielding him from overly enthusiastic dancers or waiters with too many drinks on their trays. Mafuyu thanks him, his face taking on a whole new shade of red. Uenoyama encourages him with a nod and then points him to the bar opposite them.

„A bit too lively,” Mafuyu says and takes off his jacket, the energy of the crowd leaving its mark on him.

„Not used to so many people in one place?” Uenoyama asks and turns to the bartender to order some drinks. 

„I haven’t been to a bar in ages,” Mafuyu speaks in a low voice, gazing at the loud and joyful patrons behind him.

„Book signings don’t happen in bars?” Uenoyama scoffs and hands a beer over to Mafuyu. „Who would’ve thought?”

„Don’t be mean, Uenoyama-kun,” Mafuyu says, accepting the drink with unsteady fingers and scrutinizes it for a long moment.

He seems uneasy, Uenoyama thinks, throwing him a sly glance. It’s almost like he forced himself to go out of his comfort zone so that... He can be with me. Just like I did when I went to his book signing event. His eyes widen, the sudden realization making his heart stutter.

„Nothing like that,” Uenoyama huffs out a laugh, and Mafuyu’s shoulders relax. He glances at Uenoyama, and after seeing his smile, he chuckles softly before taking a sip out of his drink. 

The music is loud, and the crowd is lively before them, but Uenoyama and Mafuyu don’t mind in the slightest. They are standing by the side of the bar, allowing the world to move around them, while they’re enjoying each other’s comforting presence, calmly, steadily getting reaccustomed to what it means to be together. 

„Do you still play?” Uenoyama then asks, glancing over at Mafuyu.

„Music?” Mafuyu looks for confirmation in Uenoyama’s eyes. „No,” he offers and gazes down in his beer. „I could never find the mindset to do that again after high school.”

Uenoyama shakes his head. „So now you are back to being a newbie,” he says with a hint of arrogance, which makes Mafuyu’s eyes dart to him.

„I’m sorry,” Mafuyu whimpers. „All your hard work from back then...”

Uenoyama blinks repeatedly. „You don’t need to apologize,” he is quick to reassure him. „It’s fine, I suppose if you aren’t in a band or don’t decide to make a career out of it, skills like those are bound to fade away.”

„I’m sorry I wasted your time, Uenoyama-kun,” Mafuyu repeats, his guilt almost palpable.

„What?” Uenoyama says, glancing at him. „No, Mafuyu, don’t say that. That’s nonsense.” 

„I drove you up the walls with how much I insisted you teach me to play the guitar,” he retreats and speaks in a low voice, so low that Uenoyama is having trouble hearing him due to the clamor around him. „Only to abandon it in the end.”

Uenoyama turns his entire body to Mafuyu, a different energy to him. „Look at me, Mafuyu,” he pleas, his tone stern. 

Mafuyu hesitates for a moment but then turns. Unable to bring his gaze up, however, he shifts it to the side.

Uenoyama narrows his eyes. He grabs Mafuyu’s hand, and only then he brings his eyes to meet his. „No matter what happened afterward, know that I never regretted teaching you guitar.” 

Uenoyama stops. He’s been gazing a bit too deeply in Maufyu’s eyes and thinks he might drown if he continues. But Uenoyama can’t bring himself to look away. He’s holding onto Mafuyu, and he isn’t giving any signs that he wants to reject him. They are standing close to each other, and just like deja vu, it feels like there never existed a time in which they were apart. 

„Mafuyu, you coming into my life was...” The words fly off his lips before Uenoyama can put any thought behind them. Uenoyama acted on impulse, but that’s because he’s determined to speak, to tell Mafuyu what he wasn’t able to back then. Because if I can hold onto Mafuyu like I’m doing now, Uenoyama thinks, then he wouldn’t disappear again. He might give him another chance and... 

„If you two don’t dance, you will be crowned the losers of the evening,” Yayoi jumps and reaches out her arms around both their necks and squeezes, bringing their heads together, their foreheads meeting for a brief moment.

„Ah, Yayoi, damn it,” Uenoyama clicks his tongue, taken aback by his sister’s sudden appearance. „Can you just...”

Yayoi grins and laughs a couple of times, her gaze shifting between the two. Uenoyama releases himself from her hold and whips around. He sees Take shrugging, gesturing that Yayoi might’ve been drinking a bit too much and that there’s nothing he can do to calm her enthusiasm down.

Uenoyama exhales, admitting defeat before his sister’s unrelenting energy. He glances at Mafuyu and shrugs as well, mimicking Take’s explanation. Mafuyu laughs, noticing the force with which Yayoi’s pulling at his shirt. That type of persistence is all too familiar for him. He then sets his glass of beer aside and accompanies the two siblings to the dancefloor.

They dance for a while, and it’s not until Haruki and Akihiko show up that Uenoyama realizes that he hasn’t taken his eyes off of Mafuyu that entire time. There’s nobody around more attractive or fascinating than him. And it’s not like he can get tired of looking at him, at his flawless smile or pleasant expression. He feels as though he’s falling in love with him every time their eyes met. And that feeling is as much addicting as it is exciting, and Uenoyama can’t get enough of it.

Yayoi grabs Mafuyu’s hands and pulls him to the side. She is amusing herself because Mafuyu is quick to humor her whims, dancing with her, or encouraging her to share more of her quirky stories. Seeing that he is in good hands, Uenoyama excuses himself from their presence and goes to get some drinks for everyone. This far into the night, he is already more than tipsy and somewhat drained, but despite all that, he feels at ease. 

„Uenoyama Ritsuka?”

„Yeah?” he whips around instinctively.

„Wow, it really is you! See, I told you,” an unfamiliar girl turns to her friend and says proudly.

„Oh, it’s so great to meet you in person; we are such big fans!” The other girl adds, presenting a wide smile.

Uenoyama is caught chatting to his fans and is shortly asked to sign a couple of autographs and take some selfies with them. He forces a smile, and by the time the third picture is taken, he spots Haruki and Akihiko making funny faces at him from somewhere in the other end of the venue. He clicks his tongue but uses that opportunity to take his leave from between the two girls, who are so excited to have met him they have tears in their eyes.

„Ue, the superstar,” Haruki jokes as Uenoyama is making his way towards him and Akihiko. „How on earth did you find time for us, I wonder?”

„Oh, stop it, would you?” Uenoyama urges after Akihiko ruffles his hair with such force, whatever’s left of his styled hair withers away. „It’s not like I asked for it.”

„All part of the job, boy wonder. Don’t tell me you aren’t used to all the glam by now,” Akihiko smirks and crosses his arms on his chest.

„Shougo seems to enjoy it a lot more than I do,” Uenoyama exhales and leans against a nearby wall. „Itaya Shougo, my friend from high school, I mean,” he explains after he is met with the same perplexed look on both his friends’ faces. „He is my manager now.”

„So then,” Akihiko asks, leaning close to Uenoyama, „any luck with the ladies?”

„Nothing like that,” Uenoyama rubs his ear, Akihiko’s words making his skin prickle in discomfort.

„Akihiko, behave,” Haruki says, and he retreats, somehow more obedient than Uenoyama remembers him to be. „But speaking of luck, where is...” Haruki then turns to survey the area, as though looking to spot somebody in particular.

„Mafuyu,” Uenoyama breathes and lifts his eyes, the fluttering in his stomach coming alive. It’s for a split moment, but he catches the silhouette of a man with a ponytail leaving the bar. He swallows, a sudden desire to follow erupting within him. 

Before he departs from his friends’ company, however, Uenoyama leans forward, his poor attempt at a polite bow. „Thank you so much for tonight, Haruki-san. And happy birthday, Kaji-san. It was great that we got to spend some time together and I hope that - ”

„Ue, how about you just go already?” Haruki urges and points him to the door.

Uenoyama nods, his friends’ approving expressions spurring him on. He departs, stumbling his way through the crowd of people. His knees are weak, and he understands he is nervous. 

It’s just like back then, Uenoyama thinks, remembering how excited he was to meet with Mafuyu at the staircase well behind the gym. Even if he gave me bad news, at least...at least I got to see him. 

He steps out of the bar and panting, investigates the street and nearby surroundings. It takes him a while, but once he spots the person he’s been looking for, his heart settles.

„Mafuyu,” he calls out, seeing him leaning against the wall, his gaze downward, rubbing his hands together as though struggling to keep warm.

Mafuyu jolts and lifts his gaze. Their eyes met, and a shiver crosses Uenoyama’s body.

„I-I think I will head back home for tonight, Uenoyama-kun,” Mafuyu says hesitantly and goes to arrange his hair around his ears as Uenoyama closes the distance between them.

„Are you tired?” 

„It’s been a long day, that’s for sure,” he huffs, forcing a smile.

Hearing a strange edge to his voice that wasn’t there before, Uenoyama presses. „Are you ok?”

„Tonight was... I had a lot of fun.”

Uenoyama winces. „Mafuyu, that’s not what I asked.”

Mafuyu flinches, noticing then how close Uenoyama is to him. It’s uncanny and yet comfortable for both of them. And peaceful, since no music is booming in their ears.

„You are so popular now, Uenoyama-kun,” Mafuyu says wryly, his lips trembling after every word uttered. „I’m sure your partner is thrilled with you.”

Uenoyama swallows a gasp. So even he can be jealous, he thinks, and his heart quickens. „There’s nobody like that in my life. There hasn’t been anyone since you, Mafuyu.”

Despite the concentrated effort he made to hide his shock, Mafuyu’s eyes widen. He opens his mouth to speak but can’t gather his thoughts quickly enough, and then closes it again. With shivering fingers, Mafuyu fastens his scarf around his neck and mouth.

„Earlier, Uenoyama-kun...” he speaks in a low voice after a long moment. „What was it that you wanted to say?”

Uenoyama’s brows furrow. „Earlier?”

„When you were talking about me coming into your life... can you please tell me the rest?”

„What do you think I wanted to say, Mafuyu?” Uenoyama tilts his head, wanting to catch the light in his eyes.

„I don’t know,” he murmurs and bites his lip. „It’s been too long.”

„Well, you are the poet. I trust that your skills will be able to finish my sentence. So, let’s give it a try. You coming into my life was...” Uenoyama presses and reaches for Mafuyu’s hand with the tips of his fingers. „Now, you continue.”

„I don’t know, Uenoyama-kun,” Mafuyu repeats, lifting his gaze at Uenoyama. „Is it something bad?”

Uenoyama’s fingers twitch, and he retracts his hand. „Why do you think that?” 

„Be-because of everything that happened.”

Uenoyama exhales. „You coming into my life was...” he insists and goes to carefully part Mafuyu’s messy fringe.

„A mistake,” Maufyu says, his tone strained.

„The best thing that ever happened to me,” Uenoyama offers and leans to his forehead. He presses a soft kiss there, and the sensation of Mafuyu’s skin overwhelms his body, making him shiver. „You changed my life, and for that, I will always be grateful.”

Mafuyu brings his hand to his mouth, looking to hide more of his flustered cheeks. It’s as though Uenoyama’s gesture unleashed something in him, Mafuyu now struggling to keep his eyes from welling up.

„So, what do you think?” Uenoyama asks after a long moment and catches the brief surprise that rushes across Mafuyu’s face.

„About what, Uenoyama-kun?”

„Is there still a chance?” He presses, hesitantly, and determined at the same time

„For us, you mean?”

Uenoyama nods, entirely smitten by Mafuyu’s unguarded expression, „Yeah.”

„Wh-what do you have in mind?” he hesitates, then turns his head to the side.

„It wasn’t my intention to do this tonight, Mafuyu, but I want you to know. You see, even with our separation, you are still very much alive in my heart,” Uenoyama finally says, recognizing that all hesitation has long left him. „I don’t know what this is, but no matter the distance or the time, it’s always you that my mind drifts towards,” he then goes to gently lift Mafuyu’s chin so that he can gaze into his eyes, unwilling to miss any of his reactions. 

It’s essential for him that Mafuyu sees him, that he recognizes the regret and the hurt that became so much part of him, Uenoyama can’t remember a time in which he wasn’t burdened by them. 

„I miss you, Mafuyu. I never stopped missing you.”

Mafuyu reaches out for Uenoyama. He grabs his hand, his fingers gently intertwining with Uenoyama’s and brings it close to his cheek, nestling in its warmth. Mafuyu’s cheek is soft and pleasant, and Uenoyama wishes that he won’t let go of his hand. That Mafuyu will allow him to wrap his arms around him so that he can lean against his body and rest his head at the base of Mafuyu’s neck, surrounding himself with his scent. And he would touch his skin once more, breathe him in, and eventually taste him, reaccustom himself with everything Mafuyu is.

„I need some time, Uenoyama-kun,” Mafuyu murmurs, bringing him back to the present. „There are some things I need to go over before I can go back to this,” he says and then takes Uenoyama’s hand away from his face. 

Uenoyama fights the sinking feeling inside of him, but there’s no opposing the reverberating ache. That scenario was too good to be true, he thinks as excitement is fading from his veins. So this is what Kaji-san was talking about when he mentioned lust.

„Of course, take as long as you need,” Uenoyama says decisively, still clutching onto Mafuyu’s hand with the tips of his fingers. „Just know that... I’ll wait, ok? I’ll wait for you, Mafuyu.”

„Ok, Uenoyama-kun,” Mafuyu forces a smile and then turns around, his hand still at the mercy of Uenoyama’s firm fingers.

After a long moment, Uenoyama releases Mafuyu’s hand, and he begins to put distance between them. Uenoyama’s eyes are stuck to him, to his shape, to his everything, only then noticing how the world is becoming bleaker around him once more. 

I’ll never get used to this sight, Uenoyama thinks critically, but somehow, I still have to allow it to happen.

* * * * *

Uenoyama wakes up the next day with an incredibly persistent hangover. In his painful daze, he reaches for his phone. There are a dozen missed calls notifications covering its screen. From Itaya. 

Uenoyama’s confusion turns into panic when he realizes he’s forgotten about rehearsals, and what’s worse, he’s late for the recording session. Shougo will kill me, Uenoyama thinks and jumps out of bed, rushing through the house in search of a clean pair of jeans.

Recognizing the train would further expand on his lateness, he takes a taxi. Uenoyama knows it will be expensive, but if nothing else, it will teach him to be more diligent towards his duties. 

Once at the studio, Uenoyama profoundly apologizes to the staff who have been waiting for him. They accept his apology without fuss and invite him to begin the session whenever he is ready. Uenoyama breathes relieved, although something in their demeanor is making him think that they are more than used to this sort of thing happening.

They probably think I see myself as too big of a star to respect appointments, Uenoyama thinks while tuning his guitar inside the live room. Shit, I must do everything I can to prove that I am not the spoiled brat they think I am.

Uenoyama then fastens the guitar strap around his shoulder, and with the pick steady in his hand, he strums the cords, the song’s intro thunderous and striking, just like it was in his mind.

„Thank you for your work today,” the sound engineer says as soon as Uenoyama steps out of the live room. „This was by far your best performance.”

Uenoyama flinches. He never heard the sound engineer so cheerful before, but then again, there’s a first for everything. Uenoyama nods and bows before zipping his guitar in the bag and throws it on his shoulder.

And there he is, Uenoyama thinks when he spots Itaya outside the studio with his nose in his phone. He approaches his friend and stops beside him, Itaya still oblivious to his presence.

„Something important?” Uenoyama asks, frustrated that he’s being ignored.

„You were late,” Itaya utters, finishing his business on his phone and then glances at Uenoyama.

„Don’t look at me like that,” he snaps and retreats. „You are partly to blame for this too.”

„What are you talking about? Is this what you have to say after everything I’ve done for you?” Itaya reproaches, hiding his chuckle in his hand. 

Uenoyama clicks his tongue and chuckles briefly, too. He runs a hand through his hair and relaxes after noticing that Itaya doesn’t bear him any resentment for his blunder.

„So, Uecchi, before thanking me for having your back today, tell me,” Itaya then snickers mischievously. „Did you have fun at the party?”

Uenoyama rolls his eyes. „Ask me that when the hangover dies out and after I get a call from...” he stops himself, the flush of honesty a bit too abrupt.

Itaya’s expression becomes guarded. „From?”

„Ah, no, nobody. I mean, Haruki-san, you see, I thought that he would... the book. To do the book,” Uenoyama stumbles, Itaya’s sudden boldness affecting his confidence.

„To do the book. Are you even from this planet?” he scoffs, shaking his head. „Uecchi, I thought you said no secrecy.”

„There is no secrecy. It’s just that...” he then says, scouring his mind for the right words but unable to find them, Uenoyama exhales and supporting his forehead with his fingers, he opens his mouth to speak. „Ok, fine. Yesterday was fun, and I had no idea...”

Uenoyama stops briefly, distracted by how close Itaya got to him. Not to mention, it’s hard to dismiss the intense curiosity glowing in his eyes.

„That people can be so forgiving,” Uenoyama resumes, and his scowl turns into something of a soft smile. „For the longest time, I thought that what I did to my bandmates could never be remedied. But then again, it’s not like I even tried to mend things. So, in a way, yeah, it turned out fine.”

„But that’s not entirely true, is it?” Itaya pushes, and Uenoyama perks up. „There is still something bothering you,” he says and points to his phone, which Uenoyama had in his hand. „You said you were waiting for a call?”

„Ah, about that,” Uenoyama goes to scratch the back of his neck. „Yeah, a call, I guess.” 

Itaya is scrutinizing him but chooses to say nothing. Uenoyama’s lips thin. He takes a moment to think, and after gathering some courage, he glances back at his friend. 

„Listen, I owe you a meal anyway, so, just give me a bit more time, ok? When all these things settle, I will tell you everything... and then we can go out for dinner. All four of us.”

Itaya is about to jump up in the excitement but stops right before announcing his joy for the whole street to hear. His brow twitches, struggling to make sense of Uenoyama’s words. He then lifts his hand before him, his fingers spread out. „Me, one, my girlfriend, two, you, three and...” his eyes then dart to Uenoyama’s. „Uecchi! You sly dog!”

Uenoyama’s gaze is aimed at the horizon, but his cheeks are quick to redden. „I said to wait, so just wait,” he urges with half a mouth, his friend’s enthusiasm a bit too much for him to handle.

„Take as long as you need,” Itaya smiles. „But don’t be late for the recording sessions anymore. I don't know what I’d do if one day you decide to give all this up.”

Uenoyama lifts an eyebrow. „Where did the idea of giving up come from?”

„Just so we are clear, Uecchi, I will drag you in that studio myself if I have to,” Itaya says, a terrifying honesty underlining his tone. „Nothing is going to stop me from seeing this album finished, you hear me?”

„That’s a whole new side to you, Shougo,” Uenoyama retreats from his friend’s side, and swallows, his eyes widening in fright. „We’ll see this through, don’t worry. And I promise I won’t be late anymore.”

* * * * *

Uenoyama has never been more active on his phone than he has been these past few days. Rekindling his relationship with Haruki and Akihiko and his sister meant that he is chatting more often to them. They keep asking him about his album’s progress, his music, his future concerts. While he doesn’t have all the information they request, he does his best to humor them and reply in good time. 

It’s late in the evening when his sister informs him that she has everything set for dinner with their parents the next day. Uenoyama glances at the message and winces. Remembering his promise to her and forcing himself to leave behind any bad feelings, however, he types back, confirming his attendance. His sister replies with a cheerful emoji, which makes him huff out a laugh. 

It’s going to be weird to be back there, Uenoyama thinks as he steps outside on the balcony to smoke before bed. There are so many memories at my childhood home connected to the time when Mafuyu and I were together, I wonder how I’ll handle it. 

Uenoyama lights his cigarette and watches the smoke lifting from the smoldering tip. Mafuyu would come over, and we would do homework, listen to music together, watch movies when my parents weren’t home, Uenoyama thinks, and lifts his fingers to his mouth. We would kiss so much that my lips would end up hurting the next day. It felt so pleasant to have him in my arms, to hold tightly onto him. To know he wasn’t further than an arm’s length away from me.

Uenoyama exhales, and his shoulders relax. It’s as though, even then, Uenoyama thinks and a shiver crosses his spine, I was afraid that he might slip away. But I didn’t give it any thought; I never knew that there would come a time when we wouldn’t see each other for more than a day at a time.

He takes a puff of his cigarette and then reaches for his phone. He scrolls through the contacts and notices Mafuyu’s email still there. He might’ve changed it, or he might not answer if I type to him, Uenoyama thinks, finding it hard to make up his mind as to what he wants to do. But I need to give him time since it’s what he asked for.

Uenoyama puts the phone back in his pocket, and after extinguishing his cigarette, he leaves the cold balcony to the whims of that chilly early winter night.

* * * * *

The following evening, Uenoyama goes to his family. As he is standing in front of his childhood apartment door, he begins to feel uneasy. I used to have keys to this place, he thinks and stirs, I never needed to ring the bell. But before those thoughts overwhelm him, Uenoyama is greeted by his father, who warmly embraces him. 

The dinner table filled to the brim with many of his favorite dishes. His mother, with a bit of help from Yayoi, truly outdid herself. She is so happy to see him, she has tears in her eyes the whole time they eat. It’s somewhat nostalgic to be back in his childhood home, but Uenoyama doesn’t feel burdened by it. Much to his surprise, it’s somewhat comforting. And incredibly nostalgic. 

„I need to be up early tomorrow for practice,” Uenoyama says when his father suggests he should spend the night there. „My guitar is back at the apartment, and I need it for the recording session.”

His father nods and doesn’t press further. However, seizing the opportunity, his mother dismisses the work aspect of their conversation. She redirects it towards something more intriguing for her – his relationship status. Uenoyama jolts, the topic finding him utterly unprepared. 

„Ah, mom,” Yayoi speaks up and begins gesturing a bit too enthusiastically from over her side of the table. „After he finishes recording his music, Rikka will have more free time, and maybe we could all go somewhere nice together to celebrate the launch of his album,” she offers, and the light in her mother’s eyes comes alive. „Also, because there’s something I want to tell you guys...”

Yayoi glances at her brother before continuing to speak. He is leaning so far down his chair, he is honestly considering sliding all the way and then make a run for it. But he takes a deep breath and thanks Yayoi for the distraction she provided with a nod, and she smiles at him.

Their parents are taken aback by Yayoi’s proposition to move in with her boyfriend, but they don’t oppose it. Her mother finally breaks down in tears but accepts Yayoi’s embrace once she offers it. Uenoyama smiles at them from over his side of the table, spotting tears in his sister’s eyes as well. 

„Thank you for keeping your promise,” Yayoi says, following her brother outside after he excused himself from the dinner table.

„Thank you too,” Uenoyama says tersely, instinctively trying to hide the cigarette from her. „But, you know, you don’t always have to intervene like that. You need to trust that I...”

„Will handle things?” she huffs and shakes her head dismissively. „Rikka, you can lie all you want to yourself, but don’t you dare do the same thing with me. I can see right through you.”

Uenoyama swallows. Yayoi glances at the cigarette in his hands, and he smiles apologetically at her. She rolls her eyes and then leans on the railing beside him.

„No matter what happens,” she says after a long moment, now more calm in her tone and approach, „no matter how big of a musician you will become, you will always be my brother. And I will do everything in my power to help you out.”

„Is it because you feel guilty?” he asks, taking a long puff of his cigarette, and she jolts before turning to meet his gaze. „About back then?”

A rush of sorrow flashes across Yayoi’s face, her cheeks whitening. She understands that Uenoyama is referring to the time when she approached him to discourage him from seeing Mafuyu. It was a long time ago, back when he was in high school, but her brother hasn’t forgotten. And neither has she. 

„There were a lot of things I didn’t understand back then. And I was certain that by addressing the issue, I’d change your mind. But then I ended up hurting you. So I’m really sorry about that, Rikka,” Yayoi lowers her head and clenches her chest with her hand. „Please forgive me for my ignorance.”

„It’s ok,” he murmurs, although both of them recognize it’s far from all right. „Distance clears up a lot of things. And since we are here talking, still able to hang out, willing to have each other’s back in front of our parents... I think we did just fine.”

Yayoi nods, appreciating her brother’s words. She watches him for a long moment, but after spotting an unsettling shadow in his eyes, she clears her throat. „So, how are things now, then?”

„What do you mean?” he asks absentmindedly, stirring from one foot to the other.

„You know, things...” 

„You are starting to sound like mom,” he stands up and shakes the ash off his cigarette before bringing it to his lips.

Yayoi goes to arrange her hair around her ears, her nerves still making her heart tremble. „It’s because I worry, just like she does.”

„That I will end up alone?” Uenoyama scoffs, turning his head to her.

„That you will never mend your broken heart,” Yayoi finally says, and her brother flinches. „How are things with Mafuyu?” she finally words the question, despite knowing all too well how much strain it will put on him.

„I haven’t talked to him since the party,” Uenoyama replies in one breath, his heart thumping violently in his chest.

Yayoi crosses her arms on her chest. „And? Aren’t you going to?”

„I don’t know,” Uenoyama clenches his hands on the railing, forcing himself to speak. „He said he needed time. And I don’t feel like I have the right to rush him in any way.”

„Go to him,” Yayoi says loudly and clearly, disregarding his words entirely.

His eyes dart to hers, and they swap expressions for a moment. „Do what now?”

„Go to him,” Yayoi repeats, noticing her brother’s persisting confusion. „Actions speak louder than words, right? Show him that you care, Rikka. That you truly care and that what was between you two wasn’t just a phase.”

Uenoyama looks at her, and although it takes him a while to make peace with her words, deep down, he knows he wants to do just that. He extinguishes his cigarette and approaches his sister. He then reaches his arm out and pats his sister on the head.

„Hey there, mister! Just because you are taller than me doesn’t mean you can treat me like a little sister.”

„Thank you,” he then says and goes on ahead inside the house, his smile so faint, but Yayoi catches it nonetheless.

* * * * *

I need to ask Mafuyu about what he wants to do, Uenoyama thinks as he is walking away from the studio one evening, I know I shouldn’t be rushing, but I can’t help it. There are many things I want to know, and if I’m to do this properly, I can’t skip any steps. I have to go to him so that we can talk.

Uenoyama is waiting for the train, the craze of rush hour almost having entirely passed. Haruki-san was kind enough to share the location of where Mafuyu’s next book signing event is going to, Uenoyama thinks and checks the link Haruki sent him, it’s at the other side of town. I’ll probably make it right before it’s over

While in the past, the distance between them was something Uenoyama forced himself to get accustomed to, now it’s becoming too much. I sort of confessed to him back at Kaji-san’s birthday party, Uenoyama thinks, biting his lip, recognizing how disheartened he’s been feeling as of late. And Mafuyu never got back to me about it. 

Uenoyama exits the train station and makes his way to the bookstore, which is right around the corner. His step is rushed, but that’s because it’s close to closing hours. He pushes the door open, and crossing the threshold with shaking knees, he lifts his eyes to investigate the area. 

There is barely anybody inside, apart from the cashier and the cleaning staff, which is making their way through the rows of bookshelves. Uenoyama goes past them and spots a placard indicating the location of Mafuyu’s stand -- toward the back of the store. 

Why does it feel like I’m intruding, Uenoyama thinks, his heart in his throat. The closer he gets to the stand, he begins to hear the faint echoes of muffled voices. Whispers. 

Uenoyama advances curiously and cautiously, and just as he distinguishes the shape of a person, he freezes. The guy from before is holding tightly onto Mafuyu, just like he wanted to hold him. As for Mafuyu, his arms are around his neck, similar to how he imagined he would hold onto him. 

Uenoyama feels his blood turning cold, and with his head in a cloud of dark haze, he forces himself to turn around. He stormes out of the bookstore so quickly that the cashier yells after him to slow down, fearing he might pass through the door in his rashness or, worse, tear it down. 

„I am such an idiot,” Uenoyama huffs, pain and anger so close to his heart it’s making his eyes water. Everybody moved on, he thinks, gritting his teeth, his whole body shaking violently, they are living their lives, enjoying the company of those they love, and that loves them back. I’m the only one who still looks in the past for comfort. I am such an idiot. Seriously, the biggest...

„Uenoyama-kun!”

The voice plucks him out of his mind, and Uenoyama stops. He whips around and gazes at a panting Mafuyu, who’s holding so tightly onto his arm that it’s keeping him from taking another step forward.

„You lied,” Uenoyama says between his teeth.

„Uenoyama-kun,” Mafuyu breathes, struggling to pull himself together and find his words.

„You said you didn’t have anybody else, and then...” Uenoyama turns to him, tears outlining the edges of his eyes. „How could you, Mafuyu?!”

Mafuyu tugs on his sleeve and his lips twist as though unable to hold himself back. „Because I needed to know!”

„What? What more do you need to know?” Uenoyama pulls suddenly and breaks Mafuyu’s grasp on his arm. „Have three years apart not been enough for you? Three years in which I kept thinking about what it was that I did wrong to make you turn your back on everything. Hating myself because I didn’t do better,” he blurts, the anger so evident, Mafuyu turns small in front of him. „Because I wasn’t better for you,” he says and pauses to level his tone. „But maybe this whole time, I wasn’t at fault at all.”

„It’s not like that, Uenoyama-kun,” Mafuyu murmurs, shaking his head, his gaze unflinching. 

„Then how is it, Mafuyu?” Uenoyama asks, finding it difficult to keep calm. „Go on, then. No more secrets, no more lyrics, no more poems. Just tell me so that we can move on with our lives.”

Mafuyu flinches, as a cold shiver traverses his body and parts his lips to speak. „When I turned my back on you that day, I was sure I was doing you a favor.”

„You are lying again,” Uenoyama retreats, but not before giving him a sharp look. „How does that even make any sense?”

„When we were asked to debut, I met with one of my childhood friends, Shizusumi, and he helped me put a lot of things in perspective. He told me that if I didn’t feel ready to debut or be with you, for that matter, then I shouldn’t hinder the band or you in any way,” Mafuyu says, rubbing his hands nervously. „And because I didn’t want to bind you to me, I forced myself to make a decision, no matter how painful it was,” he continues and takes a moment before speaking once more, but this time, on with a much depreciative tone. „I mean, who was I to make any demands? Just a stray dog you picked up from the street and were struggling so much to nurture back to health that... you risked losing sight of what was important.”

„Important?” Uenoyama repeats and frowns.

„Music, Uenoyama-kun,” Mafuyu allows, and the word pierces Uenoyama’s heart. „That was the most important thing to you, and I didn't want to rob you of that.”

„Is that what you think?” Uenoyama speaks dryly, a lump in his throat.

„I guess that for the longest time, I was waiting for somebody to come and save me, free me from my past. But it was wrong of me to think like that,” Mafuyu’s voice is low but decisive, stuttering as he is struggling to keep his tears at bay. „It was wrong of me to pressure you to save me. I had to learn to do that by myself before reaching out to other people,” Mafuyu lifts his eyes to Uenoyama. „And asking them to be with me.”

„You are so stupid, Mafuyu, seriously,” Uenoyama says and hides his face in the palm of his hand. „I have never met somebody more thick-skulled than you...” 

Mafuyu approaches him and tries to sneak a glance at his eyes. „I didn’t want to be responsible for slowing you down. Because that side of you, that goes after the things you like and want,” he takes a moment before continuing, „that part I admire the most.”

_Thank you for not giving up, Ritsuka._

Uenoyama flinches and removes the hand from his face. „Don’t say that, Mafuyu,” he urges and takes a step away from him.

„I mean it,” he nods slowly. „You know, it’s just like you said. No matter the time or distance, Ritsuka, I also still...”

„Cut it out already!” Uenoyama snaps, that time, anger more than evident in his voice. „You have no right to call me by that name, you hear me? Not after...Not after what you did!” 

Uenoyama lowers his eyes, gritting hard on his teeth. There’s so much hurt in his heart that he feels unfocused, numb. Like he is about to suffocate if he doesn’t take a breath of air.

„I’m sorry you think that I lied to you, but I never did. There was no other boyfriend,” Mafuyu says. „He just... showed up at the right time, and, ah, how should I say?”

„Just say it, Mafuyu,” Uenoyama barks. It’s not like it’s any of my business, and while I don’t want to hear it, he thinks critically, I feel like I need to know.

„He helped me through some really tough times.”

„By holding your hand and embracing you as he did back there?”

Mafuyu shakes his head. „It’s because he admires my work, and well, in the process of seeing it through, he might have... caught some feelings for me.”

Uenoyama gazes at him, clearly locked in a brutal spar with his mind.

„I had little say in that,” Mafuyu adds, but Uenoyama remains unconvinced.

„Apart from the fact that you encouraged those feelings.”

Mafuyu averts his eyes. 

Uenoyama feels his heart sink and the anger resurfacing; he can’t oppose it once more. After clicking his tongue sharply, he whips around and begins to walk away from Mafuyu, the pain now eating away so viciously at his heart, Uenoyama fears it won’t stop until it devours it whole.


	7. Chapter 7

„That’s everything. Thank you for your hard work.”

Uenoyama’s ears are buzzing with the sound of the last cord he strummed. It was a bit too forceful, and he doesn’t catch the sound engineer’s words. With the guitar still vibrating in his hands, he lifts his gaze to the window separating him from the control room. While he can’t decipher the sound engineer’s impartial expression, Itaya’s broad smile clears his doubts. 

It’s done, Uenoyama thinks, standing up straight and removing the guitar strap from over his shoulder. The album is complete.

Uenoyama steps out of the live room with the guitar in his hand, sweat beads dripping down his forehead. Itaya is so quick to embrace him that he almost loses his footing for a swift moment.

„Look, Uecchi, I brought champagne!” he chirps, and Uenoyama’s eyes dart to the big bottle in his hand. „I thought that maybe we could do the thing they do at car races when — ”

„You can’t open that here!” The sound engineer jumps up from his chair and extends his arms as though trying to protect the equipment.

Itaya retreats, and his smile fades to the point there’s no trace of it. Now wearing a deep pout, he pushes Uenoyama outside the recording room.

„Pfft, I didn’t know celebrating the breakthrough of a lifetime is ILLEGAL nowadays,” Itaya speaks through his teeth as they walk down the corridor, looking to exit the building. „I mean, of course, I would’ve been careful. I’m not even half as clumsy as I look.”

Uenoyama is following closely behind him, his friend’s rant passing by his ears. He is finding it hard to focus. And while struggling to adjust to the world around him, he almost bumps into Itaya when he stops without warning.

„Ah, so glad I caught up to you guys before you left.”

Uenoyama glances up, and spots Take waving at them, his confident smirk adorning the corner of his lips. 

„I was notified that the recording session ended, and I wanted to congratulate you in person.”

„Thank you very much!” Itaya is quick to reply. He winces almost immediately and then turns to the side, revealing a flustered Uenoyama. „Oh, yeah, sorry. Uenoyama is grateful, too. Right, Uecchi?”

„Th-thank you. It’s been an honor working here,” he says automatically, hiding his zoned-out expression underneath a polite bow.

Take nods and adjusting the glasses on his nose, he opens his mouth to speak. „You guys put in a lot of work, and the result is evident. The music is outstanding if I do say so myself. And because of the craze the album release is generating on our social media, we’re considering a concert too.” 

Uenoyama stands up straight and doesn’t come out of his mind until Itaya presses a hand to his shoulder.

„So, in the meantime, I suggest you keep coming for rehearsals,” Take offers, and Itaya starts talking loudly, his excitement again coming alive

Itaya thanks Take for the opportunity, and they exchange a few dates and other details. Take also informs that from now on, Uenoyama will have a rehearsal room reserved in his name, which he can access at any time. 

„You did great, Ritsuka. Who would have thought that the kid I saw that day on stage alongside Given will come this far?” Take pauses briefly, his smile reappearing. „I believe in you and your music. And because of that, you have my full support, so don’t be afraid to ask if you need anything.”

Take then reaches his hand out towards Uenoyama. He nods, and after they shake hands, Take retreats, wishing them a pleasant evening.

Itaya pushes Uenoyama out of the studio. Once outside, he cheers loudly, alive with nervous excitement, shaking, and so red in the face Uenoyama double-takes to confirm he is still breathing.

„I’m just too...” Itaya says, throwing the bottle of champaign in Uenoyama’s hands. „I can’t believe this is happening. Maybe you should pinch me. No, that’s going to hurt. Oh, wait, that’s what I want. Because if it hurts, then that means this is all real!”

„You know it is, Shougo,” Uenoyama huffs, unable to oppose smiling after seeing his friend’s genuine excitement manifesting so freely. „This whole time, everything we did... was to get to this point.”

„That’s right,” Itaya agrees and looks up, Uenoyama noticing how much his eyes are glowing. „Oh, well, this is embarrassing,” Itaya gushes as tears streaming down his cheeks, „but I’m just so happy.”

Uenoyama shakes his head and goes to ruffle his friend’s hair. Itaya is clumsy in his gestures as he begins to check his pockets for tissues.

„I’m so proud of you, Uecchi,” Itaya utters, and blows his nose loudly. „I said it before, and I’ll say it again. You have no idea just... So proud. I didn’t doubt you for a second.”

Uenoyama does his best to mimic Itaya’s joyful expression and excitement, although nothing can come close to his outburst of emotion. He pats his friend on the back, and they continue their walk down the street.

„What about this bottle, then?” Uenoyama asks, seeing that he ended up carrying it to the train station.

„Ah, well, since I couldn’t open it to mark the moment, and you don't want to get a drink, I’ll leave it to you to give it a purpose,” Itaya winks before they go their separate ways at the train platform. 

I told him that rehearsals have exhausted me and that I need some time off, Uenoyama thinks, riding the train home. I’m sure we can celebrate some other time, Shougo. When it feels right to celebrate.

* * * * *

For many days after the bitter reunion with Mafuyu, there was a lot of anger. Uenoyama can’t remember much of the aftermath of their encounter apart from the fact that he arrived home with such a burning rage inside of him that he wanted nothing more than to bail on everything. Erase everybody from his life. Never talk to anybody again. Stay in the house for the rest of his days if needed—anything to escape the hurt throbbing throughout him, rendering his mind a pile of conflicting and vague thoughts.

He fought himself many times to recall why he needed friends in the first place, why he heeded any of their advice. And most curious of all, why he allowed himself to fall for Mafuyu again.

_He just... showed up at the right time. He helped me through some really tough times. He might have... caught some feelings for me._

The thoughts replay in his mind, and for the first time, Mafuyu’s voice comes to sting him. Despite banging his fist again the wall, Uenoyama never settles any of his dilemmas. But at least some of the anger dispersed. 

He exhales and wrapping his arms around his head, he sits in the silence of his apartment, allowing his mind to become blank. And in that solace, he forces himself to become truthful to his feelings. 

Feeling a little more clear-headed, Uenoyama lifts his eyes and directs them to the balcony door. He stands up, wobbling his way to his guitar bag, and picks up his cigarette packet.

While I had no way of knowing that things would turn out this way, Uenoyama thinks vaguely, lighting a cigarette, would I have acted differently if I did? Probably not. Because I wanted to be with Mafuyu more than anything else. But in the end, everything I did was to postpone the inevitable.

„Triple dumped,” Uenoyama scoffs as he lights another cigarette, „by the same person.” He shakes his head, the bitter taste of the cigarettes settling on his tongue. There’s no doubt about it anymore, Uenoyama thinks critically, I am the biggest idiot.

Uenoyama flinches as some of the cigarette’s ash lands on his hand, scorching his skin. He is clumsy, but that’s because he is unfocused, his mind still a clump of scattered and unprocessed thoughts. 

It’s hard to concentrate these days, Uenoyama thinks irritably. My breakup with Mafuyu pushed me to sever the ties with my family and friends. But also because of him, I am closer to everybody once more. I promised them I would try to do my best, that I won’t repeat the mistakes of the past. And yet, I am back right to where I started. I’ve been walking in circles this whole time...

„However, that’s not true,” Uenoyama then says, and his eyes narrow. I’ve been signed to a record label. I’m launching an album. My friends and family are there for me, even if I wasn’t for them. So maybe I shouldn’t be so quick to want to push them away again... or hate myself, for that matter. As for Mafuyu...

Uenoyama stops and lowers his head for a moment, the feelings he has associated with the name still sending chills throughout his body. While forgiveness is not something I can offer him or myself, he then thinks, I must trust that it will come at some point...at one point... 

Stirring from one foot to the other, Uenoyama settles his gaze upon the snow-covered city before him. He exhales, noting how peaceful and quiet everything is from afar. The smoke from his cigarette is the only thing seemingly disturbing the serenity of the world before him.

„I wish it were now,” Uenoyama says and extinguishes the cigarette.

* * * * *

With the album now completed and the holidays approaching, Uenoyama finds himself with a lot more free time on his hands. And since Yayoi told his parents about his availability, he often gets roped into many of their domestic activities. 

Uenoyama doesn’t refuse any of their dinner invitations and ends up spending a lot more time in his family’s company, at his childhood home. It keeps him distracted and busy, and during those jumbled days, that’s precisely what he needs. 

Beats staying alone at the apartment if nothing else, Uenoyama thinks as he is getting ready to go Christmas shopping with his sister. 

They wander the streets for hours, going from shop to shop, Yayoi’s energy unrelenting. Uenoyama follows her around, having close to no say in the things she buys. He’s clueless as to not only what his parents want or need but what his friends wish for too. He hasn’t bought any presents for years and feels lost every time they step into a different store. 

The way his sister has everything figured out, however, how she knows exactly what everybody wants leaves Uenoyama somewhat astounded and slightly remorseful. She ended up being a better friend to my friends than I ever was, he thinks bitterly. 

„Thank you for the save,” Uenoyama says as they finish wrapping up the gifts for Haruki and Akihiko.

„Oh, no need to thank me. Everything we bought went on your card, and you’re also the one doing the carrying. So it’s a win-win for me if I’ve ever seen one,” Yayoi giggles, placing one more beautifully wrapped gift in her brother’s hands.

Uenoyama exhales, truthfully admitting to himself that there’s nothing to complain about. He nods, and smiling, continues wrapping up the remainder of the gifts alongside his sister.

It’s almost evening, and while his hands are starting to ache, his sister’s energy is nowhere near depleted. Just as he’s about to open his mouth and suggest they head back home, Yayoi turns to him.

„Is everything ok?” he asks, her worry abrupt and slightly unnerving.

„I feel like I’m missing something,” Yayoi says, lost in thought, counting the gifts. „Is there anybody we forgot?”

„You think?!” Uenoyama cries out from behind a mountain of bags and boxes. 

„No, no, hold on, Rikka,” she says and retreats, scouring her mind for answers. „So mom, dad, Take, both sets of grandparents, my best friend, my second best friend, and her sister, Haruki, Akihiko, Itaya and...” Yayoi stops. „Nothing for...”

She tilts her head to him, her eyebrows raised. They swap expressions for a moment, and once Uenoyama figures out who she is referring to, he turns away.

„There’s no need for that,” he says with half a mouth and begins to walk towards the train station. He hears his sister quickening her pace to catch up to him, but he is done talking about the matter altogether.

* * * * *

Haruki agrees to meet Uenoyama at the University. It’s the last day before winter break, so this is a good chance for Uenoyama to drop off the presents he bought for him and Akihiko. 

Uenoyama arrives in good time and makes his way to the small office where he used to have poetry lessons with Haruki. He advances wearily, listening to his footsteps’ echo reverberating through the empty hallways. Being back inside a school is as nostalgic as it is stomach-turning, but he is putting up a brave front before his emotions. 

Once in front of the office, Uenoyama knocks on the door before entering. Haruki is quick to greet him with a smile and a warm cup of coffee.

„Ue, these are way too many gifts. You didn’t have to,” Haruki says, blushing nervously at the sight of the massive paper bag Uenoyama plants on his desk.

„From both my sister and me,” Uenoyama insists and pushes the bag forward. „It’s the least we could do for our friends.”

„Thank you; it’s incredibly thoughtful. Oh, and I also have some stuff for you guys,” Haruki says and points to the spot under the clothes hanger near the door. „Make sure to pick them up before you go.”

Uenoyama nods, and they exchange a smile. They do a bit of catching up, Haruki animated in his speech, as though feeling at ease and even excited that his former bandmate took the time to visit him.

„The album is done as well. And the record label will start promoting it after the New Year,” Uenoyama says proudly, and Haruki notices his change of heart on the matter. „There are talks about a concert too.”

„That’s great. Congratulations, Ue!” Haruki cheers, his smile radiant. „It sounds like Take-chan is all over you now. He is incredibly hardworking, so you shouldn’t worry at all. You are in good hands.”

Uenoyama nods humbly. „Yeah, he is taking good care of me.”

„And you?” Haruki then asks, and he perks up. „Did you sort things out between...”

Uenoyama repeatedly blinks, Haruki unrelenting in his stare. The realization hits him after a long moment when a twinge wakes in his heart.

„Ah,” Uenoyama scoffs and takes a sip of his coffee. „Yeah, well. We talked, and, um, there was nothing more I could do.”

Haruki opens his mouth eager to interject, but seeing the way Uenoyama is wearing his disgruntled pout, he rethinks his approach.

„You know, he is touring now,” Haruki says and notices his ears twitching. „Through the country to promote his book. I was a bit surprised to hear it because he wasn’t too keen on doing it. I wonder what changed his mind.” 

Haruki’s eyes dart to Uenoyama to study his expression and then continues. „He won’t be here for the holidays. So if you want, you can come hang out with Akihiko and me. We can watch the fireworks together.”

„Thank you for the invitation, but my parents are expecting me at that time,” Uenoyama says with half a mouth, feeling bad for lying. 

Haruki nods, deciding not to insist on the matter. He is all too used to Uenoyama’s way of hiding his eyes whenever he feels uncomfortable or overwhelmed, and that’s precisely what he did the entire time he spoke. 

„I just think that, in the end, Haruki-san, some things do change no matter how much we wish they don’t,” Uenoyama presses, then stands up and adjusts his jacket on his shoulders. „And maybe, Mafuyu and I, that was never meant to be. It was just my stubbornness that kept me holding onto him for as long as I did.”

He thanks Haruki for the coffee with a kind bow and then turns, aiming for the door. 

„Ue... don’t do that to yourself,” Haruki says flatly, and Uenoyama freezes with his hand on the door handle. „You might’ve been young when you met each other, but don’t dismiss all that happened between you two by calling it a whim.”

„Happy holidays, Haruki-san,” Uenoyama forces himself to say, unable to move his eyes away from the door handle.

„You too,” Haruki offers in a low voice. „And Ue, we are still here, ok? Don’t you dare forget that.”

Uenoyama nods and finally exits the office, the pang in his heart reawakening. It can’t be helped, Uenoyama thinks as he is making his way outside the school, everyone will ask me about Mafuyu at some point. I made it seem that everything would be fine between us, that we would be able to give everything another go, but... it was never entirely up to me.

The noise of a running engine catches his attention as he approaches the main street. Uenoyama then lifts his gaze and sees a motorcycle pulling into the parking lot beside him.

„Kaji-san,” he breathes, recognizing the person who took his helmet off.

„Oh, Uenoyama. What’s with the face?”

He flinches. „Happy holidays to you, too, Kaji-san.”

„Yeah, spare me the formalities,” Akihiko frowns. „Did something happen to you?”

„Oh, just... I-I brought some gifts for you and Haruki-san. And was on my way back home.”

„We are going to go grab a bite to eat,” Akihiko says tersely and approaches Uenoyama, scrutinizing his former bandmate from head to toe. „By the looks of it, you could use some food. You want to join us?”

„It’ll pass for today, Kaji-san, but thank you.”

Uenoyama avoids Akihiko’s cold, scolding eyes for a long moment. But he can feel his gaze lingering on him. 

„You’ve always been hard on yourself, Ue-sama,” Akihiko then says, and retreats, giving Uenoyama some space. „But I never thought you’d be one to hold grudges.”

Is there nothing he and my sister miss, Uenoyama thinks, biting his lip. Or am I that obvious? „I just don’t what the right thing to do is anymore,” the words are plucked slowly from his lips, although he understands all too well how desperately that sounded.

„You pull through and forgive,” Akihiko offers and waits for Uenoyama to look up, but he never does. „So that both of you can be happy.”

Uenoyama swallows a gasp, and after bowing his head, he leaves Akihiko’s side. Their exchange was short and abrupt, but his direct way of speaking caused something to stir in Uenoyama. It was as though Akihiko’s attempt at rekindling the small spark of hope that lingered in Uenoyama’s heart was _almost_ successful. 

* * * * *

„So, about that dinner,” Itaya says after he met up with Uenoyama at the studio after the New Year to record some promotional material for TV and radio for the album release.

„What about it?” Uenoyama asks absent-mindedly, trying to adjust the guitar bag strap on his shoulder.

„Don’t you think it’s about time we schedule it?” Itaya follows, somewhat hesitantly. „I mean, there are so many things we need to celebrate. We can’t keep postponing!”

Uenoyama lowers his head. While his first instinct is to refuse him flat out, he finds it hard to convey that into words. His friend doesn’t deserve more of his excuses. So instead of coming up with something that would bail him out of his promises again, Uenoyama takes in a deep breath.

„I’m sorry, Shougo.”

Itaya turns to him, his brows furrowing gently. „What are you apologizing for?”

„I promised you four people, but...but I don’t think I can deliver that,” Uenoyama admits, trying to hide how shaky his voice is.

Itaya glances at him. Seeing his friend so dejected is troubling and, and his heart suddenly aches for him. „That bad, huh?”

Uenoyama turns his head to the side as his distress turns into pensiveness. 

„You didn’t say anything, Uecchi,” Itaya presses. „You never do.”

„There was nothing to say,” Uenoyama allows, trying to keep anguish from his voice, but it comes through regardless. „I just let him break me again, you know?”

Itaya shakes his head and hurries to add. „Don’t feel bad that you tried. Because sometimes, we just need to leap, regardless of where it might take us,” he pauses to study his expression. „Beats standing still if nothing else.”

Uenoyama exhales and finally turns to face Itaya. „I was just angry. This whole time... and in a way, I think I still am.” He then takes a moment to weigh his thought. „Because no matter how good our intentions were, we came to hurt each other again. Just goes to show we are nothing but a couple of idiots.”

Itaya tries to suppress his astonishment, but a soft chuckle escapes his lips. „Sounds to me like you deserve each other.”

Uenoyama exhales sharply and goes to hide his mouth under his hand. He is surprised that he allowed so much of his heart to be revealed. And in equal measure, of how well his friend took his sudden, but honest confession. 

„The dinner invitation still stands, I hope,” Itaya says, once they reach the train station. „You just tell me when, and I’ll make time.”

Uenoyama nods. „You are a good friend, Shougo!” he yells out, the empty train station reverberating his words.

„We deserve each other too, Ueechi,” he waves and disappears up the escalator, his broad smile staying in Uenoyama’s mind for the rest of the evening.

* * * * *

Uenoyama is smoking outside the studio. He arrived more than half an hour ago for his first session of rehearsals in a long while but never went past the threshold. 

He repeatedly blinks, trying to wake himself up from the zoned-out state of mind that has been plaguing him once more. His album will be released at the end of the month. His next concert was announced, but the date passed by his ear. He might have to start touring afterward as well. 

Leaning back against the cold concrete wall, Uenoyama sighs loudly. I should be nervous or at least excited about all this, he thinks critically. I should be. 

„Time passes freely. The summer breeze sweeps the land anew. Leaves tremble reluctantly while I...” he murmurs, the words chanted in such a way, Uenoyama hopes that through them, the pang inside him would fade. 

Because then his heart would be at ease. His mind would be freed from the strain, and he would be able to open his eyes and gaze at a new world. A world filled with sunlight, possibilities, excitement, and...

„Uenoyama-kun, do you often talk out loud to yourself?”

Uenoyama’s heart misses a beat when he opens his eyes and discerns Mafuyu’s slender silhouette in front of him. Excitement is the first thing he feels because it’s been too long since he last saw him. But then the memories of past events flood over him like a wave and leave him with a stinging so acute it cools his body.

Uenoyama brings the cigarette back to his lips and takes his time before replying. „It’s just something from your book.”

„I didn’t know you read it.”

„I did,” Uenoyama nods, stealing a glance now and again at the steady man before him. „And this poem stuck to me. I never got to read the rest, so I have no idea how it ends.”

Mafuyu smiles. „Endlessly keep loving you.”

„Wh-what did you say?” Uenoyama asks, and his heart quickens.

„The end of the poem. I mean, that’s the part you’re missing.”

 _Time passes freely,_  
_The summer breeze sweeps the land anew_  
_Leaves tremble reluctantly, while I endlessly_  
_Keep loving you._

Uenoyama swallows, his words now evading him entirely. He senses a strange warmth emanating from his chest and spreading throughout his entire body. The sensation is as odd as it is familiar, but he bites his tongue, hesitant to allow himself to be overwhelmed by it.

„What’re you doing here, Mafuyu?” 

„I asked Yayoi where you had rehearsals and... um...,” Mafuyu pauses as his cheeks become a deeper shade of pink. „I’m glad I finally caught up to you.”

Uenoyama exhales a cloud of smoke. „You shouldn’t have bothered.”

Mafuyu’s lips thin. There is a hesitation in his demeanor, but he surpasses it when he meets Uenoyama’s eyes. „You know... that one is about you.”

A strange expression flashes across Uenoyama’s face, and Mafuyu presses. „My book... for the longest time, I thought there was a lot more I wanted to write about Yuki and our relationship, but... that wasn’t the case.”

Uenoyama then lifts his eyes to him, unsure if he wants to hear him out, but he can’t smother his attraction to Mafuyu’s way of speaking, even if he is struggling not to show it. 

„I suppose the song from back in the day was my tribute to Yuki. As for the book, that’s my tribute to you.”

Uenoyama clenches his hand, the cigarette almost breaking in half between his fingers. „I wish you talked to me instead of doing that.”

Mafuyu’s gaze is aimed downward, as though Uenoyama’s words added weight to his shoulders. „Even if you might’ve never read it, I had to do it. Just as much for you as for myself.”

„You had to!?” Uenoyama snaps, but quickly retreats and forces himself to temper his voice. „After you break up with me, you write a whole book in which you confess your love for me and tell about how sad you are that I’m not there anymore.” He exhales and closes his eyes for a moment. „You are truly unbelievable sometimes, you know that?”

„I’m sorry,” Mafuyu murmurs, his head still aimed downward. „I’m sorry I came to disappoint you so much and that I wasn’t...”

„Don’t apologize,” Uenoyama then stands up straight from his slouched position. „It’s all in the past anyway.” 

He stays with his back at Mafuyu but steals a glance when he extinguishes his cigarette. I can’t believe he is bowing before me, Uenoyama thinks, the sight making his heart ache. He quickly darts his eyes away, and after picking up his guitar bag from the floor, he aims to go inside the studio.

Hearing Uenoyama’s footsteps moving away, Mafuyu stands up. „Congratulations on your album!” Mafuyu then yells out to him. „Haruki-san told me that...”

Uenoyama waves at him as he keeps walking, looking to put distance between them. The pain still close to his heart, and tears begin sprouting on the edges of his eyes. But he presses on. Deep down, there’s an eagerness to hide his agitation as he’s not ready to voice it.

„Do you know that kid?”

Uenoyama whips around and observes one of the front desk people addressing him. 

„Ah, yeah,” he allows, fighting his stutter.

„He comes here every evening and just stands there. I don’t know what his deal is, I didn’t ask, and he never said anything either. But I think he’s waiting for somebody to show up,” there’s a slight pause. „But nobody does. You were the first he approached.”

_Actions speak louder than words, right?_

Uenoyama swallows and presses his eyes closed for a moment. He shakes his head, returning to the present, and goes to his rehearsal room. Knowing that once there, regardless if he ends up spending the whole night practicing or not, nobody will bother him.

* * * * *

After that incident with Mafuyu, Uenoyama did his best to stay clear of the studio. He couldn’t risk a reunion with him again. There’s too much he still needs to process before talking to Mafuyu again, and as things stand, he is nowhere near ready for something of that magnitude. 

But just as Uenoyama’s getting used to the comforts of distance, the phone calls start. The ones from Itaya are always the same, he is curious but never pushy. He asks about Uenoyama’s wellbeing, and whenever he finds the opportunity, Itaya suggests he heads to the studio for rehearsals. While keeping Itaya at bay proved facile, the phone call that pushes him to the edge was from none other than Take. 

_Nobody has seen you around recently. Don’t tell me you got cold feet now when we are so close to the concert?_

Uenoyama clicks his tongue, remembering the slightly mocking tone Take took with him. It’s not like that, Uenoyama thinks, irritation still lingering at the back of his head. While they know all too well that I can practice from home, they rather have me in that rehearsal room.

They can keep an eye on me that way, Uenoyama thinks as he is making his way to the studio. I don’t mind, but at the same time, what if...what if he is there too? 

Uenoyama brings his eyes upward to investigate the street in front of him. His heart stutters, and the world stops for a moment. 

„Empty,” Uenoyama breathes as his nerves settle. Ok, that’s a relief, Uenoyama thinks, it’s not like I wanted to see him.

_Rikka, you can lie all you want to yourself, but don’t you dare do the same thing with me._

Uenoyama exhales and rubs the back of his head as though feeling his sister’s scolding gaze over him. 

Once inside the quiet and spacious studio room, Uenoyama unzips his guitar bag. He knows rehearsals haven’t been going so good lately, and wanting to improve on that, Uenoyama brought a different guitar for today’s practice. Considering how fast his concert date is approaching, he’s tempted to try anything to get out of his rut. 

It’s not like I don’t want to see him, Uenoyama thinks, correcting his previous statement as his fingers are strumming at the cords of his guitar. But even if I do, it’s not like anything’s going to change. 

_Ue, don’t do that to yourself._

It’s not up to me, Uenoyama forces a though, this time around... he messed up and I...

_You pull through and forgive._

„You made it sound so easy, Kaji-san,” Uenoyama words his thoughts out loud, and then lowers his eyes, his attention drawn to the tune he’s playing. He listens carefully and flinches, noticing the beat of a familiar song. 

The song I wrote for Mafuyu, Uenoyama thinks and bites his tongue, the pang in his heart steadily pulsating. Throughout the years we were together, we spend so much time in our heads, working in seclusion on projects dedicated to the other. That was our way of showing our love for each other. Anything but sit down and talk through our worries. 

_Sounds to me like you deserve each other._

Uenoyama huffs, forcing a smile, and gazes upward at the ceiling, allowing the feeling that’s churning inside of him pass through him, hoping that once it vanishes, it would leave his heart intact. Or at least whatever’s left of it. 

Just as he’s trying to make sense of his predicament, Uenoyama hears a hurried knock on the door. And before he can say anything, it opens with a mellow creek. 

„Uecchi, there’s somebody here for you,” Itaya peeks his head through the door.

„I don’t want to see anybody right now,” he rebukes and goes to tune his guitar a bit more, looking to erase the sound of the previous song from his mind. „I’m busy.”

Itaya exhales and then opens his mouth to speak. The words are almost out, but he stops himself. He clenches his hand around the door and then retreats.

There’s no denying it any longer, Uenoyama thinks critically, my guitar skills are lacking. It’s not that I’m rushing to hit the notes, but more like, there’s no passion, no drive behind my movements. Everything feels mechanical, soulless. 

Ah, just like back then, Uenoyama then thinks, remembering that time from his youth when music became monotone in his ears. I wonder how I got out of that rut...

„Uenoyama-kun.”

Uenoyama clutches onto the strings, the sound of his name uttered so softly leaving him stunned. He brings his eyes up and spots a shy Mafuyu poking his head through the door that Itaya left half-opened.

„What are you doing here?” Uenoyama asks in one breath, and his eyes widen, unable to take them away from Mafuyu.

„I was outside and...,” Mafuyu says and crosses the threshold with shy steps. „Itaya invited me in here.”

He must’ve been waiting there again, Uenoyama thinks and forces himself to move his gaze away from him. I just don’t get it why Shougo would let him come here when I’m like this. I don’t need more distractions.

„Practice not going so well?” Mafuyu presses, stepping inside and closing the door behind him.

„The concert is this weekend, and I haven’t been able to play properly for a month,” Uenoyama replies impulsively, darting his eyes to his and away again.

„Is that why you took out the Telecaster?” 

Uenoyama looks up, surprised. „How did you...”

„It’s not like I could forget this guitar,” Mafuyu offers, his lips curling softly. „You always had it with you back in high school.”

Uenoyama swallows, as several expressions shift over his face. „Do you still have the Gibson?” The question flies off his lips before he can stop it.

„It’s at my mom’s,” Mafuyu replies without hesitation.

So he did leave all those things in the past, Uenoyama thinks, slightly astonished and frustrated at the same time. „You don’t live there anymore,” he presses after concluding on his own.

Mafuyu shakes his head, „No, I live with...” he then stops, and Uenoyama’s eyebrows twitch. „Actually, I might be homeless soon. I kind of got myself kicked out of the apartment.”

„He kicked you out?!” Uenoyama asks angrily and stands up in retaliation, his guitar almost slipping between his fingers. 

„I should have seen it coming, though,” Mafuyu scrunches his lips as though finding it difficult to talk to Uenoyama about another man. „Ever since Kaji-san's birthday, I told him that I wanted to put a clear distance between us. He wasn’t happy to hear that.”

That’s why he looked so disheartened that day, Uenoyama thinks, remembering seeing him with the phone in his hand. 

„I told him that I didn’t want anything to do with him apart from professional,” Mafuyu then lifts his gaze to look at Uenoyama, determination flickering in his eyes. „He didn’t take that too nicely, and now he is kicking me out of the apartment I am renting from him.”

„Why did you reject him, Mafuyu?” Uenoyama asks absentmindedly and falls back down on his chair. While he doesn’t know what he’s expecting to hear, his heart’s in his throat.

„Because I don’t like him like that, Uenoyama-kun,” Mafuyu says truthfully, a soft edge to his voice. „I never did.”

Uenoyama nods and steadies his guitar back in his hands. Still confused, he is unwilling to believe he is back in this situation again. He fears to lower his guard before Mafuyu but thinks that already happened the second he stepped through the door.

„Can I listen to you play?” Mafuyu asks after a long moment.

„If you want,” Uenoyama offers, not taking his eyes off of the strings of the guitar, even if there’s no need to observe them so intensely.

Mafuyu jolts cheerfully and goes to sit down right in front of him. He glances up at him, and after taking a deep breath to steady himself, Uenoyama begins to pluck at his guitar. 

Uenoyama’s lost in the moment, his hands strumming the cords of their own accord. He is so enthralled on scouring the depths of his mind for answers whose questions he hasn’t worded yet, that he doesn’t notice Mafuyu’s attentive gaze. 

„Try putting your heart into it,” Mafuyu then says loftily, and Uenoyama perks up. „I think that will do the trick.”

Uenoyama stops, and the guitar vibrates dissonantly. „You speak as if you don’t know,” he says without preamble, his eyes aimed downward.

„Know what?” Mafuyu tilts his head, trying to catch his gaze.

„It’s not in my power to do anything with it since it belongs to you.”

„Uenoyama-kun,” Mafuyu breathes, and his eyes widen.

Uenoyama grits his teeth. He wants to reach out to Mafuyu so terribly much. He is trembling, wishing to open his mouth and speak, tell him everything he wasn’t able to these past three years. And most of all, he wants to embrace him and keep him close. But he can’t do any of that. Because he is still hurt. And he’s stubbornly refusing to show it. 

„Do you want it back?”

Uenoyama jolts and lifts his eyes, a hue of desperation etched in them. „What?”

„Your heart,” Mafuyu says as he goes to sit on his knees in front of Uenoyama. „If you do then, you can have it. Anything, just, please...” Mafuyu stops for a long moment and then adds. „Don’t keep hating me, Uenoyama-kun.”

„That was never the case,” Uenoyama utters softly and lifts his gaze to meet his. „Because you see, no matter how much time we spend apart, no matter how much we end up hurting each other, you are the only one for me.”

Mafuyu freezes with his mouth open. He swallows, while tears are quick to engulf his eyes.

„I don’t believe in soulmates,” Uenoyama follows, the words now ceaselessly flitting off his lips, „but I can’t imagine my life without you in it. So that must mean that our paths are destined to meet in one way or another.”

„But?” Mafuyu presses, noticing the hesitation in his tone.

„I don’t know when,” Uenoyama utters, his mouth dry. „Or how, or where... I just don’t...”

Mafuyu stands up abruptly. „Now.”

„What?” Uenoyama asks, pressing his fingers on his temple, the pressure building up to an unbearable point.

„Then let it be now, Uenoyama-kun.”

Uenoyama frowns and removes his hand, his eyes resting on a shivering Mafuyu. 

„Can it be now?” Mafuyu repeats, his lips trembling.

_Sometimes we just have to leap, regardless where it might take us._

„Is that what you want?” Uenoyama says in a low voice, fighting his stutter but to little avail.

„Please,” Mafuyu breathes and lowers his head before Uenoyama once more.

Uenoyama clenches his hands on his guitar, and then, lifting it over his shoulder, he places it beside his chair. Mafuyu jolts, Uenoyama’s presence too cold and distant for him to predict his actions. 

Reaching out with his arms, Uenoyama then grabs onto Mafuyu and pulls him to his chest. His heart is beating so fast and loud; he thinks it might burst through his chest, but he can’t be worried about that. His moment with Mafuyu is the only thing he can focus on. It’s all he ever wanted.

Uenoyama’s gesture leaves Mafuyu breathless, and then as though waking up from a dream, Mafuyu finds his chance and returns the embrace. He places his arms around Uenoyama, clenching onto his back with such force, Uenoyama fears his shirt might tear.

„Forgive me, Uenoyama-kun,” Mafuyu murmurs between sobs. „I never meant to hurt you. I was so sure I was helping you that I never thought about the fact that...”

„I love you,” Uenoyama breathes and nestles his head at the base of Mafuyu’s neck. 

Mafuyu exhales, sniffling as though trying to keep his tears under control, but they keep pouring from the corners of his eyes. Uenoyama notices how much Mafuyu is trembling and grabs even tighter onto him. 

„I love you so much that being apart from you hurts.”

Uenoyama gently moves him away and scrutinizes his face. Mafuyu’s cheeks are red and wet, and yet he looks irresistible. Uenoyama can feel his ears about to catch on fire while his heart is attempting to escape his chest again. He then lowers his eyes to Mafuyu’s lips and sees him parting them.

„I love you too, Uenoyama-kun.” 

Mesmerized by the rhythm of his heartbeat, Uenoyama fixates on Mafuyu’s lips and begins to approach, the distance between them rapidly diminishing.

„Uecchi, listen, I think I’m going to head out...” Itaya announces and forces the door open all the way.

Uenoyama freezes, and Mafuyu almost jumps around in his arms. And yet they are still holding onto each other, in a way, neither of them willing to let go even in the face of being discovered.

Taken aback by how close his friends are to each other, Itaya turns a whole new shade of red. „Oh, I’m so sorry, I had no idea... I mean, I had an idea, but I had no idea...”

„No, um, it’s fine, I...” Uenoyama tries to speak but is too lost to make sense of his thoughts. 

„I’ll let you finish up in here, Uenoyama-kun,” Mafuyu says, turning back to Uenoyama to offer him a soft smile.

Itaya throws Uenoyama another glance before disappearing behind the door alongside Mafuyu. Itaya thumps Uenoyama up and closes the door behind him.

Uenoyama huffs out a laugh and collapses on the chair to his side. It takes him a long moment to make sense of his surroundings, his head still in a haze.

„No chance that was a dream,” he then says, checking the intensity with which his hands are trembling. He was here for sure, Uenoyama thinks and feels his skin prickle in delight. His scent is still lingering in the air around me. And on me. 

Seeing that there’s close to no way he can keep practicing, Uenoyama begins gathering his things. Once his guitar bag is fastened, he goes to leave the studio, the day’s events leaving him utterly dazed and exhausted.

Uenoyama steps outside the studio, the cold winter air clashing violently against his weary body. At that point in the evening, he is looking forward to nothing more but a shower and a long sleep. He looks up, wishing to set a direction for himself when he is met with an unusual sight. 

„You are still here,” he says in one breath, unable to oppose his desire to smile.

Mafuyu nods. „Yes, I waited for you.”

„Why?” Uenoyama asks instinctively and crosses the distance between them.

„Because I wanted to see you again,” Mafuyu says but quickly winces when he notices Uenoyama’s reaction. „What's so funny, Uenoyama-kun?”

„For somebody who found it so easy to turn his back on me, now you can’t seem to give me any space.”

Mafuyu pouts and turns to his side. Uenoyama leans towards him and spots that his ears are red. He must be embarrassed, Uenoyama thinks, and reaching his hand out to him.

„I didn't say that’s what I want,” Uenoyama murmurs, his hand gripping onto Mafuyu’s arm.

Mafuyu gazes down at the place he’s holding. „Walk me home?” 

„No,” Uenoyama shakes his head, a shy smile creeping the edges of his lips. „I have a better idea.”

Mafuyu giggles, noticing Uenoyama’s unguarded expression. With that warmth glowing in his eyes, Mafuyu slides his hand down his arm until it meets Uenoyama’s hand. He grabs onto it and intertwines his fingers with his. 

Uenoyama flinches briefly and brings his gaze to Mafuyu’s. „We’re outside.”

„Until the station,” Mafuyu pleads, and his cheeks turn just as red as Uenoyama’s.

But even at the train station, Mafuyu never let go of his hand, and neither did Uenoyama. It’s late in the evening, and there are barely any commuters around. And the few that are waiting for the trains do not mind them half as much as either of them expected. 

Uenoyama’s struggling to stay composed, but after seeing how calm Mafuyu is beside him, it doesn’t take long before he allows himself to get lost in his comforting presence.


	8. EPILOGUE

„Pardon the intrusion,” Mafuyu says and steps inside Uenoyama’s apartment. His eyes then swiftly glance around, curious to take in every detail of his independent, adult life.

„Excuse the mess,” Uenoyama sighs politely, uncertain what kind of state he left his apartment earlier that day.

Mafuyu blinks repeatedly and scans the one-bedroom apartment once more. „There’s no mess, Uenoyama-kun,” he allows, a faint trace of amusement in his tone. „If anything, this place looks deserted.”

Uenoyama’s eyebrow twitches. „I prefer it like that.”

„Living minimalistically?” Mafuyu then giggles and hangs his jacket in the nearby hanger.

Uenoyama exhales and goes to put his guitar bag on the floor. He freezes shortly afterward, his mind catching up to the present. This is the first time I brought anybody over, Uenoyama thinks, and of all people, somehow, it had to be Mafuyu. He swallows as nerves begin to stir at the back of his head.

Uenoyama takes off his jacket with clumsy movements and sensing Mafuyu’s gaze upon him, he turns to face him. „What is it?” he then asks, his uneasiness persisting. 

„Nothing bad, Uenoyama-kun,” Mafuyu shakes his head. „It’s just nice to be with you.”

Uenoyama’s eyes widen for a moment, but that’s because he got startled when his heart missed a beat. His shoulders relax, and with a faint glimmer to his cheeks, he approaches Mafuyu. 

He is nervous, Uenoyama thinks when his hand slides against Mafuyu’s and senses its tremble. But I might be too. Uenoyama then reaches out with his fingers for it, yearning to feel its softness again. 

Mafuyu is of the same mindset and fighting his nerves, he meets Uenoyama’s hand halfway. Uenoyama lifts his eyes to Mafuyu, swallowing a gasp. The defenseless gaze Mafuyu is giving him is making his heart soar. He then rests his gaze on Mafuyu’s lips, and as though mesmerized by them, he approaches and kisses them softly. Mafuyu’s stillness, however, intimidates Uenoyama, and he is forced to retreat. 

„Is this not ok?” Uenoyama asks, feeling slightly apprehensive.

Mafuyu bites his lip. „It’s not that,” he murmurs, his voice quivering. „I can’t believe it took us this long to kiss.”

Uenoyama clicks his tongue. „That wasn’t even a real kiss.”

„I know,” Mafuyu says and throws his arms around Uenoyama’s neck. „But this is,” he then leans forward and attacks Uenoyama’s lips with such ardent passion it leaves him breathless. 

Mafuyu continues with his kisses, pressing, advancing until Uenoyama is pushed against the other wall of the hallway. Uenoyama huffs, astounded by how much he is enjoying this daring side of Mafuyu. And wishing to encourage him, Uenoyama places his arms around him, bringing Mafuyu closer to his body. 

Enthralled by the way he is moving his hands on his back, Mafuyu slowly makes his way inside Uenoyama’s mouth, and he doesn’t refuse him. Deep down, Uenoyama hopes he would never stop with his kisses, with the enticing way he’s moving his tongue on top of his. It sends shivers across his body, and lost in his pleasure, a groan escapes him. His cheeks turn on fire, but then, within moments, his entire body ignites.

„Mafuyu,” Uenoyama breathes as he moves his lips onto his jawline and then continues down his neck, gliding his teeth upon his heated flesh. „Are you sure about this?” he asks, licking his skin and delivering soft kisses on the lines of his neck, drunk by the warmth it’s emanating.

„Do you still have doubts about my feelings for you, Uenoyama-kun?” Mafuyu asks and drags his hand from around his neck and down his chest until it reaches the line of his pants.

„It’s not about doubts,” Uenoyama intervenes and grabs Mafuyu’s daring hand. „I don’t want you to think of this as a mistake.”

„I love you, Uenoyama-kun,” Mafuyu allows, his eyes pleading. „Please believe me,” he then plants his forehead on Uenoyama’s chest. „Just like you, I never stopped.”

Uenoyama exhales slowly and puts his arms around Mafuyu, wrapping him in a tight embrace. „If you want me to believe you, then don’t be so quick to abandon me,” he says and falls to the floor on his knees, Maufyu following his descent without protest. „Not like you did back then, ok?”

„Uenoyama-kun?” Mafuyu flinches, the sensation of Uenoyama’s tears streaming down his neck and soaking in his skin startling him.

„Stay. Stay by my side, and we will figure it out,” Uenoyama offers, every other word stuttered and drowned in tears. „If there’s a problem and you aren’t here, then I can’t fix it,” he grits his teeth as though pained to admit an awful truth. „I just can’t...”

Mafuyu tilts his head and inches forward, softly kissing Uenoyama’s tears away from the corners of his eyes. „I promise,” he breathes, and touching his hand to his cheek, brings Uenoyama’s eyes to his. „I’m here to stay, Uenoyama-kun.” 

They are caught looking into each other’s eyes for a long moment. Softly, lovingly, sincerely as though needing verification not of each other’s honesty, but that what they are experiencing is real. 

_Everything we did while we were apart led us to this moment._

Uenoyama then lifts his hand to his chin and bringing Mafuyu closer to his lips, he closes his eyes and kisses him dearly, eager to reassure Mafuyu of his trust, and in the same manner, of his unwavering love. 

* * * * *

The phone is ringing raucously in Uenoyama’s ear. In his sleepy haze, he reaches out to it and answers.

_„Uecchi, where are you? We have to make the final preparations for the concert, and we need you here at the studio. Can’t do this without our star, you know?”_

Uenoyama’s eyes widen, Itaya’s voice an unexpected wake-up call. „I’ll be there as soon as possible.” 

A sudden flush of panic overwhelms him. Damn, I must’ve forgotten to set an alarm yesterday, Uenoyama thinks and tries to get out of bed. It’s fine, Shougo will buy me some time until...

Despite his struggle, Uenoyama is unable to move. He then turns his focus to the other side of the bed. With slow movements, Uenoyama removes the blanket and is caught aback once he finds Mafuyu cuddled up against him, his arms wrapped around his waist. 

Remembering all the confessions and kisses and tears that were shared between them the night before, he feels his face warming. Ruffled by the memories, Uenoyama begins considering how he can move without disturbing Mafuyu. But all those intentions vanish without a trace when he feels Mafuyu tightening his grasp around him.

He draws breath, and with nothing but the sound of his heartbeat in his ears, Uenoyama is caught staring at the sleeping man beside him. He is utterly enthralled by the way the morning sun’s light is settling on Mafuyu’s expression, softly outlining those features he so much adores. 

We fell asleep in each other’s arms, Uenoyama thinks, leaning forward and brushing Mafuyu’s messy fringe from his eyes. No wonder I slept so well last night.

„Uenoyama-kun?” Mafuyu groans sleepily.

„I’m sorry,” he breathes. „Did I wake you?”

„It’s ok,” Mafuyu then removes his arms from around him, and goes to stand up in the bed beside Uenoyama.

Uenoyama is following his every move, in a way, struggling to come to grips with this reality that seemed unattainable merely a day ago. The fact that Mafuyu is beside him, and has been for the entire night is still baffling. Though incredibly exhilarating. 

„Why are you smiling?” Uenoyama then asks, his mouth dry from sheer nervousness.

„This is nice,” Mafuyu offers and redirects his sleepy gaze to him. „Waking up next to you, I mean.”

A gasp almost escapes Uenoyama, as his eyes widen. He then leaps forward, his arms around Mafuyu’s slender body faster than even he predicted.

„Uenoyama-kun?” Mafuyu repeatedly blinks, the sudden gesture catching him unprepared.

„Good morning,” Uenoyama whispers from the comfort of Mafuyu’s neck, where he ended up nestling his flustered expression.

Mafuyu huffs and puts his arms around him. „Good morning, Uenoyama-kun,” he says and kisses him on his cheek, close to his ear, the reverberating sound of Mafuyu’s lips pressed against his skin making Uenoyama shiver.

Uenoyama updates Mafuyu about his schedule, and he is quick to comply. Mafuyu doesn’t waste any time getting ready, and shortly afterward, they are making their way to the train station. 

Rather intrigued, Uenoyama finds himself asking Mafuyu about his book tour. Mafuyu perks up and, eager to share that part of his life with him, joyfully talks about the experience. 

„I never thought I’d be able to do something like that,” he lowers his head, but Uenoyama can discern the faint traces of a smile at the corner of his lips. „But, I kept remembering what you told me, and that helped. More than you can imagine.”

Uenoyama nods and listens to him, absorbing every word. He often catches himself jolting, Mafuyu’s comforting presence, and pleasant voice so quick to charm him. 

Mafuyu giggles when he sees Uenoyama so unguarded and is tempted to reach out, provide him comfort if nothing else. However, he is forced to retreat each time, Uenoyama cautiously pointing to their crowded surroundings. 

I want to touch him too, Uenoyama thinks and inhales deeply. Last night was nowhere near enough to make up for the three years we spent apart. 

They exit the station near Uenoyama’s studio. Both know they must part ways soon, but Uenoyama is holding his breath, reluctant to bring up the matter just yet. 

„I must go back to the apartment,” Mafuyu then says with half a mouth, turning to face him. „I need to pack the rest of my things.”

Uenoyama glances at him, nervous in a way. „Tell me if you need help,” he allows, Mafuyu’s uneasiness prompting him. „To carry some boxes, that is.”

„It's ok, Uenoyama-kun. Besides, you need to focus on your concert,” Mafuyu feigns a smile.

„Just call,” Uenoyama approaches his ear and says softly. „And I’ll come.” 

Mafuyu’s cheeks are quick to emanate warmth. He nods after a long moment, and after giving Uenoyama a sly kiss, he sprints away from beside him. After taking a few steps, Mafuyu turns around and waves at Uenoyama, a lovely smile on his lips. 

Uenoyama, however, is too stunned to reply. He goes to touch the spot Mafuyu kissed, somewhere near his jawline, the bliss of such a pure gesture too great to put to words.

Uenoyama swallows and faces away, his mind still struggling to catch up to his soaring feelings. His life has seen many changes in a short time, and now, he is light-headed, unsure of how to interpret it. I understand what Shougo was talking about when he asked if this is a dream or not, Uenoyama thinks as he’s making his way inside the studio. 

„Oh, Uecchi, there you are,” Itaya jumps when he sees Uenoyama approaching, as though he’s been holding his breath that entire time. „There are too many things to discuss and way too little time,” he then explains, urging Uenoyama to follow him down the corridor.

Uenoyama, however, frowns and halts in his step. „Shougo, wait.”

Itaya turns around instinctively. He is stirring from one foot to the other, already unnerved, but now also perplexed by Uenoyama’s hesitation.

„About yesterday,” Uenoyama begins, his mouth dry.

Itaya narrows his eyes. „Yeah, what about it?”

„Um, you see,” he offers, struggling to find his words. „About Mafuyu and I.”

Itaya flinches, and Uenoyama’s expression changes, the air between them tense.

„The thing is,” Uenoyama scratches the back of his head, his eyes darting away from Itaya’s. „How should I say? Um, the two of us... we...”

„Ritsuka,” Itaya says dryly, and he perks up. „Are you happy?”

„Happy?” He repeats, as though unaware of the concept.

„Are you happy when Mafuyu is around?”

Uenoyama swallows and lowers his head before his friend, unable to withstand his scrutinizing gaze any longer. „Yes,” he nods, and a shiver crosses his body. „Yes, I am.”

„Then that’s all I need to know.”

Uenoyama lifts his eyes. Itaya is wearing a smile so broad smile, he needs a moment to make sense of his predicament. Uenoyama opens his mouth to speak but is too amazed by the lightness of his shoulders to say anything. 

„Seriously, Uecchi,” Itaya then follows, pushing Uenoyama to walk beside him. „You should’ve told me that’s what you needed to cure your gloom, and I would’ve dragged him over here a long time ago.”

„Don’t say that,” he huffs and hides his face under his palm. „It’s so embarrassing.”

Itaya laughs, the sight of a flustered Uenoyama a rare but cherished treat. „Come on; we have a concert to plan.”

Take cheers when the two walk through the door. They get straight to it, and before long, Haruki’s words about Take’s diligence get proven over and over. From the sound, the lights, the song order, the merchandise store, and to the guest list, Take ensures everything is sorted and ready to welcome both fans and newcomers to Uenoyama’s music. Uenoyama is taken aback by Take and his entire team’s energy, and at times, is tempted to partake in their excitement. 

They work until the late hours of the evening, and before they say their farewells, Uenoyama adds his friends’ name to the guest list. He is smiling, joyful at the thought that he can fulfill his promise to them and that they will be by his side when he steps atop that stage the following day.

By the time he walks outside the studio alongside Itaya, Uenoyama’s exhausted. He absentmindedly lights up a cigarette and leans back against the building’s stone wall. 

„I don’t want to be hasty, but by the look and sound of things, those guys seem to have it all figured out,” Itaya comments, more for his peace of mind than anything else. Sensing Uenoyama’s lack of concentration, however, Itaya turns to him. He then huffs, slightly amused to that the nerves haven’t reached Uenoyama. „Should we get going, Uecchi?”

Uenoyama offers a vague groan as a reply. Itaya studies him for a long moment and hums when he sees the intensity with which his friend begins fiddling on his phone. 

„Uecchi,” Itaya prods and wearily approaches him. „Is everything ok?”

„I don’t know...” he mutters, clearly locked in deep thought. „I told Mafuyu to call me, but he never did.”

„Ah, maybe he’s had a busy day. As you did,” Itaya offers encouragingly. „You need to learn to give him some space, too, you know?”

Uenoyama clicks his tongue and puts the phone in his pocket. There is a pang in his heart that he can’t dismiss. He barely had any time to think about it, but there’s a part of him that has been stirring ever since Mafuyu said he’d return to his apartment. And at that point, Uenoyama isn’t sure what’s bothering him the most—the fact that Mafuyu is still unwilling to reach out to him for help, or that he might’ve met with that other guy.

I might be overthinking, Uenoyama forces a thought and goes to rub his forehead to relieve some of the pressure. But then again...

„Shougo, you go on ahead, I need to make a phone call.”

Their eyes meet, and despite Itaya’s impulse to say something, the words remain with him. Understanding Uenoyama’s desire to sort out his affairs before the big day, he then reconsiders his approach.

„OK, Uecchi. Make sure you get a lot of rest, though,” Itaya urges and turns away from his friend. „No matter what, we need you in tip-top shape for tomorrow.”

Uenoyama nods, and his friend’s words stay with him as he takes out the phone from his pocket once more. With his heart heavy, he then brings it up to his ear and calls Mafuyu. Much to his dismay, however, the call doesn’t go through.

„Damn it,” Uenoyama scoffs and clenches his hand around his phone. He might’ve changed his phone number after all... or he ran out of battery, he thinks. Either way, this is annoying.

With his mind filled with doubt and unshaped worries, Uenoyama makes his way to the train station. Despite his restraint, there is no point throughout his journey home that he can shake the nervousness that is crawling under his skin and slithering towards his heart. 

Maybe he doesn’t need me, Uenoyama thinks, exiting the train station. Or he realized this was a mistake. Perhaps I was too pushy last night. Or too emotional, and I scared him away. 

Exhausted and without answers, Uenoyama falls prey to his worries. There is little he can do when faced once more with such a daunting scenario, as he is all too familiar with the aftermath of a broken heart. 

I won’t let it get to that, Uenoyama thinks and bites his lip in retaliation to his habit of jumping to conclusions. I won’t, for both his sake and mine. 

_I promise I’m here to stay._

He swallows and lifts his eyes, his mind quick to traverse all sorts of distances to give his thoughts an order. I will try calling him again, Uenoyama then thinks, and if that doesn’t work, I can contact Haruki-san. He has his number, or at least an address if needed. 

Uenoyama approaches his apartment, his mind still a haze, but at least some of his worries have settled. With a different energy to him, he then lifts his eyes from the ground, eager to get home and make the necessary calls. 

It’s not until he discerns the shape of a man, leaning against the wall, near his apartment door that his uneasiness resurfaces. And his heart is quick to wake him from his thoughts with a sharp twinge.

„Mafuyu!” He gasps after he recognizes the red of the man’s hair and hurries his step. 

But Mafuyu remains inert, unresponsive to Uenoyama’s voice as though he hasn’t heard it. 

„What’s wrong?” Uenoyama asks, panting. „Are you ok?”

Uenoyama narrows his eyes, now set on scrutinizing Mafuyu. Seeing how persistent he is in his desire to keep his eyes hidden, Uenoyama winces. Something must’ve happened, Uenoyama thinks irritably. He wouldn’t be so distant otherwise.

„Did you two fight?” Uenoyama asks and notices Mafuyu flinching. „Look at me, Mafuyu,” he then presses and goes to lift his chin with the tips of his fingers. „Where are your things?”

Mafuyu scrunches his lips. „This is everything I could recover,” he says reluctantly and points to a single box at his feet.

Uenoyama looks at it and then darts his eyes back to Mafuyu, noting he is still wearing the same weathered expression from before. „Mafuyu, please talk to me.”

„He knew I’d come and... was waiting for me,” he then murmurs, and Uenoyama’s heart stutters for a moment. „I... I thought I’d be able to handle it better.”

That must’ve been one ugly argument, Uenoyama thinks. He was never good at dealing with this kind of stuff. That’s why he did everything he could to avoid confrontations, even when it came to me.

„I’m sorry, Uenoyama-kun. I didn’t know where else to go.”

„It’s ok,” he offers and brushes the back of his fingers against Mafuyu’s flushed cheek. „I’m glad you came here. You should’ve called me, though.”

„You would’ve gotten angry. And I can’t do that to you. There are other things that need your attention.”

Uenoyama grits his teeth. He is tired, and this situation is pushing him to the limit. But he inhales, choosing to remain composed, as scaring Mafuyu away is still a terrifying thought. „Listen to me, Mafuyu. As long as I have you in my life, you are my priority.”

Mafuyu lifts his head, and the light in his eyes flickers as though he’s about to cry. „What about your music, Uenoyama-kun?”

„If music comes from the heart and you hold mine, then I need to take care of you first and foremost. The rest will come on its own,” Uenoyama offers. „Do you understand?”

Mafuyu freezes for a moment, the words slow to settle in his heart. He then jumps and puts his arms around Uenoyama’s neck so quickly, he almost loses his footing. 

Uenoyama exhales and holds him tightly, Mafuyu’s warm embrace always soothing. I knew something was wrong, Uenoyama thinks critically, and presses his lips against Mafuyu’s cheek.

„I was so worried,” he gives voice to his thoughts, and Mafuyu gathers himself even closer to his body.

Uenoyama opens his mouth to continue speaking but swiftly closes it when he spots a foreign set of eyes staring from the side. He then clears his throat and breaks his embrace with Mafuyu, one of his neighbors shaking his head disapprovingly at their tender reunion.

„Let’s head inside,” Uenoyama urges, rushing to unlock the door. „I’ll help you with the box.”

„Thank you, Uenoyama-kun,” Mafuyu murmurs and goes to brush his hair around his ear, his cheeks quick to redden.

It’s just as Mafuyu said, Uenoyama thinks, noting how unnerved he still is. I would’ve gotten angry. But only because I don’t like to see him so defeated.

„I’m sorry, but I don’t have much to offer you,” Uenoyama sighs once he opens the fridge and is met with an all too familiar sight. Empty, he thinks and groans displeased. „Or maybe...” he then murmurs, and his eyes settle to the bottle of champaign that’s been sitting on his counter ever since Itaya offered it to him. 

Mafuyu approaches him, curious about Uenoyama’s intention. They exchange expressions for a moment, and Uenoyama tilts his head inquisitively towards Mafuyu. Mafuyu’s lips curls gently, and Uenoyama can feel his heart soar at the sight.

He skilfully opens the bottle of champaign and invites Mafuyu to fetch some glasses from a nearby cupboard. Mafuyu follows Uenoyama to the bedroom and stops once Uenoyama is faced yet again with another dilemma. 

He shakes his head, only then remembering he doesn’t have a table or more than a chair. Is it too late to go out and buy some? Uenoyama thinks irritably, fully aware of the answer.

„Anywhere is fine, Uenoyama-kun,” Mafuyu smiles from beside him.

They end up drinking by the side of Uenoyama’s bed in front of the balcony. With Mafuyu now having calmed down and Uenoyama at ease, they turn to each other’s presence for comfort. Their reunion, although delayed, is pleasant and quaint, that night’s full moon their only source of light.

„Are you sure it’s a good idea to drink before a concert?” Mafuyu eventually asks delightfully fuzzy-headed, his glass empty beside him.

Uenoyama huffs out a laugh and brings the drink to his lips. „I’m not drinking. I’m celebrating.”

„Celebrating what?” Mafuyu asks, turning and catching Uenoyma’s unguarded expression.

Although Uenoyama has the words for it, although he can convey to Mafuyu everything he is feeling, all the joy and warmth he is receiving from the simple fact that they are sitting side by side in his small apartment, he chooses to say nothing. He settles on gifting Mafuyu a sincere smile, and lifting his hand, Uenoyama places it over his.

Mafuyu’s eyebrows shoot upward. Emotion floods his heart once he understands the meaning behind Uenoyama’s gesture. Focusing on Uenoyama’s tight grasp, Mafuyu’s eyes glow with gathered tears, and turning his hand, he welcomes Uenoyama’s palm in his. With slow and careful movements, Mafuyu leans over to him and kisses Uenoyama so tenderly it’s as though that’s the first kiss they ever shared. 

Uenoyama rests his lips on top of Mafuyu’s, and after coming to terms with his yearning, he pulls Mafuyu closer and welcomes him in the comforts of his firm embrace.

* * * * *

  
„Uecchi, ten minutes.”

Uenoyama hears Itaya’s voice through the closed door but takes his time before replying. It’s the day of the concert, and he is finding it hard to reconcile his thoughts, to get himself in the right mindset for what’s to come.

It’s not like I haven’t done this before, Uenoyama thinks and gazes at his Telecaster which is resting proudly in its stand to his side. And yet, this feels different than before.

Uenoyama hears a knock on the door, which in that precise moment comes to deepen his uneasiness.

„I know, Shougo, I heard you the first time,” he barks and lifts his eyes only to be met with a different sight than expected. Instead of Itaya, his former bandmates are standing in the doorway. 

„You guys made it,” Uenoyama breathes, a smile now adorning his lips.

„You sound surprised,” Akihiko scoffs and playfully approaches him, with the intent of ruffling his hair. But after seeing his eyes from up close, he redirects his hand and presses it on his shoulder.

„Come now; it’s not like we would’ve missed it!” Haruki offers from behind Akihiko. „Take-chan called us to let us know about these sweet VIP tickets reserved in our names!”

Uenoyama chuckles. „I wouldn’t have it any other way.”

„Good thing you are top mates with the man behind it all, huh, Haruki?” Akihiko leans over to him and says teasingly.

„It’s not up to me anymore, Take-chan is busy spoiling Ue now,” Haruki presses, fully accustomed to Akihiko’s slight fits of jealousy. „But regardless, the perks of having them as friends sure are nice!”

Akihiko crosses his arms on his chest and huffs in amusement, Haruki’s enthusiasm nothing short of contagious.

„Ok, Ue, we’ll let you finish up in here. We just wanted to stop by and wish you good luck,” Haruki turns to him and says warmly. „Do you best up there, ok?”

„We are cheering for you, boy wonder,” Akihiko adds and turns towards the door but stops halfway. „Ah, Mafuyu,” he then says, noting that his former bandmate’s left behind. Haruki, however, is quick to intervene and pushes him out the door before Akihiko can finish saying his piece.

Once they are alone in the room, Mafuyu doesn’t miss a moment and crosses the distance between them. „Are you ok, Uenoyama-kun?” 

„Yeah,” Uenoyama offers without hesitation.

Mafuyu tilts his head, looking to meet his gaze. „But?” 

„I’ve been thinking,” Uenoyama frowns, and Mafuyu steadies himself. „Do you want to move in with me?” he then asks in one breath and brings his eyes to meet Mafuyu’s.

Mafuyu parts his lips, slightly agitated. „What are you saying, Uenoyama-kun?”

„It’s the only thing I could think of the whole day,” he offers, trying to hide his nervousness, but it comes out through stuttered words. „And I wanted to ask you after the concert, but I couldn’t wait that long.”

Unnerved by Mafuyu’s distant expression, Uenoyama then swallows and glances away.

„I mean, you don’t have to if you don’t want to,” he presses after a momentary silence, his mouth now dry. „It was never my intention to push you or anything of the sort.”

It’s hard to read him when he is so deep in his mind, Uenoyama thinks after stealing a glance at an unmoving Mafuyu. It’s just like when I asked him if he wanted to debut with Given all over again. 

After gathering his courage, Uenoyama lifts his eyes again and notices Mafuyu’s lips moving. Either it was his thoughts overwhelming him, his sheer nervousness shaking him, or his thumping heart deafening him, Uenoyama doesn’t catch Mafuyu’s words. 

„What-what did you say?” Uenoyama repeatedly blinks, looking to catch any hint of Mafuyu’s resolve on his expression. „I’m sorry... I didn’t...”

Mafuyu blushes intensely and scrunches his lips, understanding that he has to repeat himself. „I said yes, Uenoyama-kun,” he murmurs. „I would love to move in with you,” he follows, looking to hide his flustered smile underneath his palm. 

„Are you sure?” Uenoyama asks, struggling to stay composed but is unable to oppose his desire to smile. „I don’t want to seem like I’m rushing things.”

Mafuyu then jumps at Uenoyama’s chest, and reaching up, he kisses him deeply. And his slender body shivers in excitement.

„Anything is fine, Uenoyama-kun,” Mafuyu retreats and says softly. „As long as it’s by your side.”

Uenoyama huffs, surprised that even his kisses taste like happiness. With Mafuyu’s scent lingering on his lips, Uenoyama pulls him back to his chest, wishing to keep him close, safe, and above everything else, to show Mafuyu that he has found a home in him.

„Uecchi, we need you to...” Itaya opens the door and begins to say, but after lifting his gaze, he freezes. „Oh, seriously, you two! We need to stop meeting like this,” the words are uttered more from surprise than anything else, and he takes that opportunity to whip around. „I don’t know if my heart can take it.”

„How about you learn how to knock!?” Uenoyama barks, and Mafuyu smiles apologetically from his chest. 

Itaya shakes his head and retreats, even his ears a whole new shade of red. „The concert is about to start, Uecchi. I suggest we get going!”

They hear him yelling from beyond the door, and Mafuyu chuckles shily. He then turns to face Uenoyama and is amused when he catches him staring once more. 

„Keep your eyes on me, ok?” Uenoyama says and presses his forehead against Mafuyu’s, his eyes utterly mesmerizing.

Mafuyu nods, his smile now broad and more radiant than it has ever been. „Always, Uenoyama-kun.”

Uenoyama leans forward and kisses him swiftly before rushing away, following Itaya down the corridor.

* * * * *

The crowd is lively and loud, so lively and loud in fact that the stage is shaking under his feet. The floodlights are beaming onto him, blurring his vision, and heating his body. Sweat beads are streaming down his forehead and at the back of his neck, cooling his skin. But Uenoyama loves that feeling. Because he knows that it’s proof of his work, dedication, and, most of all, of how far he came.

Uenoyama is focusing on the sound of his guitar, but as though stirred by an unwavering curiosity, he lifts his eyes from it. He gazes at the crowd in front of him, and the sight takes him aback. The fact that everybody is cheerful and vibrant is giving him the energy to press on, to do his best atop that burning, blinding stage.

He glances to his side, his curiosity still alive in his veins. Uenoyama flinches swiftly when he catches the shape of a distant silhouette with the corner of his eye. Far behind the edge of the stage, Mafuyu is cheering him on, warm and bright, just like sunlight. 

Seeing him so animated makes Uenoyama smile and his heart to overflow with emotion. And while it’s hard to make out his words clearly, Uenoyama swears he’s telling him to put his heart into his performance.

It’s with you, Mafuyu, it will always be with you, Uenoyama thinks, and despite strumming his guitar sharply, the sound of his thumping heart overcomes the roaring crowd before him. 

* * * * *

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> I want to thank each and every one of you who took the time to read, comment and leave kudos on my story. Seeing my AU version of Given getting so much love and attention made my day and gave me the drive to keep on writing!
> 
> I never imagined I would dedicate so much time and care to write something of this magnitude but I loved every second of it. It has truly been a special experience for me and I will always treasure it, and I hope you will too. 
> 
> Let me know what you think of this Epilogue and stay tuned for future projects ([Tumblr](https://nightyelfy.tumblr.com/))!


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